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DIARY AND LETTERS 


OP 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


u Hovj oft 'Xhou takest of our souls a part, 
find bearest it before us in the dark ; 

(That, by the yearnings of a severed heart. 

We may more surely find life's proper mark." 



PHILADELPHIA: 

Published by Jhomas ^William ^Stuckey, 

57 NORTH SEVENTH STREET. 

1S76 


S0 6 


Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 1875, 

BY THOMAS W. STUCKEY, 

in the Office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington. 


STUCKEY, PRINTER, 67 NORTH SEVENTH STREET. 


TO phebe's father and mother, 

NURSES THROUGH SUFFERING AND GUARDIANS OF 
HER RIPENING YEARS, 

AND 

TO THE SISTERS, 

EVER HER DEAR COMPANIONS AND SHARERS IN 
HER JOY AND SORROW, 

THIS VOLUME IS AFFECTIONATELY INSCRIBED 
BY HER HUSBAND. 



INTRODUCTION. 


Feeling that the subject of this memoir was a 
person of more than ordinary religious experience, 
and believing the perusal of her written thoughts 
would be a satisfaction to her friends and perhaps 
unto others, and the experience of her life prove 
beneficial to many minds, I have prepared this lit- 
tle volume, composed of extracts from her diary 
and correspondence. From her eleventh year she 
kept a record of her daily life, — noting down the 
deep thoughts of her heart. Her outward exist- 
ence had in it but little variety, being from early 
years much afflicted : she seldom went from home, 
and was deprived of many of the enjoyments of 
youth. Perhaps it was the hand of affliction that 
so purified her spirit and directed her thoughts to 
Divine things. A loved and valued friend writes 
of her as follows : — 

“She was, agreeably to her own account, tenderly vis- 
ited in her childhood with impressions of Divine love, 
and her mind so overshadowed therewith that she was 


6 


INTRODUCTION. 


constrained to retire into lonely places, unseen by mor- 
tal eye, to hold communion with her God ; in which sea- 
sons she was enabled to behold His comeliness, and to 
feel that she was owned and stood in a state of accept- 
ance with Him, which sometimes caused her eyes to flow 
with tears and her heart to expand with gratitude, and 
living desires were raised in her mind that she might be 
kept pure in His holy sight the remainder of her days.” 

Another loved friend thus writes of her in later 
years : — 

“ I remember well the first time I was introduced to 
Phebe Matilda : it was at our Quarterly Meeting. Her 
manner and conversation impressed me much, as she 
spoke of the great spiritual feast she had enjoyed ; and 
ever after I looked upon her as one growing in the Truth, 
and it seemed to be her meat and drink to do her heav- 
enly Father’s will ; always seeking a sphere of usefulness 
where she might labor for the good of others. She often 
expressed fear of being an unprofitable servant, yet al- 
ways appeared to be rejoicing in the Lord. The devotion 
of her young heart seemed cheering and refreshing unto 
me, and I hope the dear young Friends who read her 
memoir may be encouraged to follow her example as she 
endeavored to follow Christ.” 

Her death occurred on her twenty-eighth birth- 
day, and concerning it another friend writes : — 

“ They said : ‘ A child is born to us, to-day ! ’ 

And all who heard rejoic’d, though well they knew 

The tender feet, along a thorny way, 

Their doubtful search for pleasure must pursue. 


INTRODUCTION. 


7 


“ But when a score of years and eight were past, — 
And on the self-same day the angels said : 

‘A new-born spirit on our shore is cast 
From the rude waves of earth,’ — our bosoms bled. 

“For we had lost a friend, — or seemed to lose 
A part of our own being : such a share 

As, had it been our privilege to choose, 

We should have said, ‘We can in no wise spare.’ 

“For, from a child, she was of gentle mien: 

Tender as true, and generous as kind ; 

Pure in all eyes but hers, and these, I ween, 

Could but some little imperfections find. 

“ But little follies to the wise seem great, 

And to the noble minor faultsare grave, 

And God is high above our best estate, 

And those He loves would from all error save.” 

Her feeble health oft prevented her attendance 
at meetings, but when permitted thus to mingle 
with her friends it was a season of deep enjoy- 
ment, and the utterances of laborers in the Gospel 
were food to her hungering soul, which she gar- 
nered and carried with her to ponder on in the re- 
tirement of home. These truths she often entered 
in her diary, to cheer her in moments of discour- 
agement. Her notes of daily life are not of suffi- 
cient interest to warrant publication, therefore the 
following extracts, being composed mainly of her 
religious thoughts, may give to strangers the im- 


8 


INTRODUCTION. 


pression that her life was lacking in the buoyancy 
and light-heartedness natural to youth; but those 
who knew her can realize fully that this was not 
the case. On the contrary, possessed of an impuls- 
ive, enthusiastic disposition, she enjoyed the beau- 
ties of nature and association with her friends in 
a greater degree than most persons, was ever joy- 
ous and mirthful, and when she felt peace of mind 
realized a happiness the mere worldling knew not 
of. It is with feelings of delicacy that I give her 
secret thoughts and aspirations to the public; but 
these were not so private with her as with many, 
for her diary and letters were always open to her 
near companions and intimate friends, being desir- 
ous of sharing with others whatever was near and 
dear to her; and, if her thoughts and experiences 
could aid and encourage struggling minds, all the 
assistance she could render was gladly imparted. 

Her intimate friends were numerous, and they 
felt assured of being near her heart. To those 
younger than herself she was a tender and loving 
counsellor, to whom they would often confide their 
aspirations and struggles after a higher life: to 
those of more advanced years and experience she 
looked with reverent love for instruction and en- 
couragement, and to all in affliction her heart was 
closely drawn. Although incapacitated for labo- 


INTRODUCTION. 


9 


rious employment, her hands were ever active for 
others as well as for herself. 
v Her marriage took place on the 15th of Tenth 
month, 1872, under the care of Amawalk Monthly 
Meeting, of which she had always been a member, 
and shortly after she went to reside with her hus- 
band at Quaker Hill, in Dutchess County, N.Y., 
transferring her membership to Oblong Monthly 
Meeting. In her new home, she seemed to feel 
deep enjoyment, and her mother expressed, after 
a visit to her, that she had never seen her appear 
so full of happiness. It did indeed seem too pure 
to last on earth. She had been, for several years, 
troubled much at times with dyspepsia, which 
again came upon her in the Second month, 1873; 
her stomach becoming so weak as to take but little 
nourishment, and finally almost none. She was 
soon much prostrated, and confined mostly to her 
bed, where, though suffering much from weakness 
and rapidly failing strength, her spirit was ever 
bright and cheerful, making it a privilege to all 
to be able to wait upon her. Her thanks for the 
slightest favors were never omitted, by smile or 
word. On Second day, the 10th of Third month, 
she asked for pencil and paper, which, being given 
her, she wrote with difficulty the following, the 
last thoughts her hand placed upon record: “ I 


10 


INTRODUCTION. 


want to learn this great lesson, that hard and 
wearisome as such depressing sickness is, yet to 
live in the unthankful enjoyment of the Father’s 
gifts is much worse. I have been very careless, — 
I want to learn better, but seem to very slowly. 
Oh ! dear Father, help me I pray Thee !” 

Competent medical aid attended, and a hope 
was felt that the weakening body might soon begin 
to gather strength : at times she did seem stronger 
and on the point of gaining ; but our hopes and 
prayers were in vain. The angel had been sent to 
call her pure spirit home, away from the pains and 
trials of the flesh. She realized fully that she was 
approaching the shore, and the evening before her 
death, she called her father and mother to her side, 
thanked them for their tender, watchful care, ex- 
pressed regrets that she had not been more faith- 
ful and obedient, gave tender, loving messages for 
the absent dear ones, and in a voice full and tran- 
quil, and of flowing sweetness, seeming more of 
heaven than earth, commended them all to that 
Power which is able to guide aright through the 
cares and trials of life. A short time after, she 
appeared almost in slumber, when she murmured : 
“ Grandmother, heaven! Precious Leader! Let 
me lead thee up !” as if her spirit were already 
catching glimpses through the veil. The night 


INTRODUCTION. 


11 


and morning were hours of much bodily suffering. 
During the morning she expressed thankfulness for 
having lived through the night : stating that she 
had prayed she might die in the day- time, and in 
the open air. The darkness of night, doubtless, 
seemed close and oppressive. At length her suf- 
fering was over, and she enjoyed a brief period of 
rest; sinking into a quiet sleep, to wake, we trust, 
in endless day. Her consciousness was perfect to 
the end, and as long as strength remained she ut- 
tered loving counsels-; almost her last words were : 
“Father! Father! raise me on wings ! ” 

We, who witnessed that quiet, happy, peaceful 
close, could plainly feel that for her there was no 
cause to mourn, for her spirit, free from pain, had 
passed to that home for which it had so longed, — 
but to think of ourselves, whose world was so 
much with her, was overwhelming. But that 
Power she felt sustaining her, and which she called 
us to, was with us, to sustain in this extremity. 
Her death occurred on the 25th of Third month, 
1873. Her remains were taken to her former 
home, in Westchester County, where on the 28th, 
a very large company gathered at Amawalk Meet- 
ing-house, to pay a last tribute to one so dearly 
loved. Many powerful and touching testimonies 
were borne to the efficacy of that Grace which had 


12 


INTRODUCTION. 


so illumined her life. The body was then depos- 
ited in the burial-ground adjoining, by the side of 
that mother who had held so large a place in her 
childish heart. The following obituary, written 
by a near neighbor and friend, appeared in The 
Peekskill Messenger : — 

“Bowed beneath the Father’s chastening rod, our 
spirits humbled, we own, O God! Thy way as just. A 
spirit pure and meek was this to whom the summons 
came. With a mild and cheerful disposition, and frame 
fragile as a flower, she was plucked in early youth ; yet 
her short life w T as marked with usefulness. 

“Being when a child afflicted in body, she was made 
perfect through suffering; and how rapidly the chasten- 
ed soul ripened ! Her face wore the very lineaments of 
Heaven. In a school of small children, which, previous 
to marriage, she was much interested in, she labored 
earnestly to gather ‘these little ones’ into the fold of 
Christ. A lover of Nature, her heart seemed lifted in 
thanksgiving when inhaling the fragrance of flowers. 

“Last fall, she was united in marriage to David A. 
Irish, and moved to reside in Dutchess County. Neither 
her situation, comparatively among strangers, nor house- 
hold cares, in any way diminished her ardor in serving 
her Divine Master. The brief period of her union was 
spent in beautiful harmony and in the quiet peace conse- 
quent upon an endeavor to walk in the fear and counsel 
of the Lord : when it became evident that the inscruta- 
ble dispensation should be realized, she evinced a desire 
to live for her husband’s sake. But trusting in God, in 
whom she had believed, she left him in this keeping. 


INTRODUCTION. 


13 


In viewing her life as a whole, her rare genius conse- 
crated from childhood to the holiest objects, her almost 
Christlike patience under suffering, I am reminded of 
the tribute to- the perfect woman in the olden time : — 
‘Many daughters have done virtuously, but thou excel- 
lest them all.’ 

“Ye sisters, who feel as if the gushing founts were 
unsealed in this hour of sadness, meekly bow to the 
Master’s will ; for He, who made the wound, alone can 
heal it. Thus hath passed from among us, one whose 
spirit seemed poised a while between two worlds ; but 
Heaven’s attractions prevailed, and an emancipated soul, 
assured of its salvation, went triumphantly to Jesus. 

“ ‘ Sisters,— your voices’ swell, 

Hath mingled sweetly with her own ; 

But now, alas! the fond farewell, 

Is breathed with hushed and saddened tones.’ ” 

She felt an impression that she might be called 
to minister in public: if this volume tends to 
carry out her mission, the pleasant labor of pre- 
paring it will not have been in vain. 

David A. Irish. 

Quaker Hill, Third month, 1875. 



EXTRACTS 

FKOM THE 

DIARY AND LETTERS 

OF 

PHEBE M. IRISH. 


I WAS born on the 25th day of the Third month, 
1845, in the town of Yorktown, in Westchester 
County, N.Y. My parents’ names were Joseph T. 
and Sarah Hallock, members of the religious 
society of Friends. I had one sister older and one 
younger than myself : my older sister’s name was 
Amie Anna, and the younger was named Hen- 
rietta. For the first two or three years of my life 
I remember nothing, until I was nearly five, when 
the sad traverse of a melancholy incident fills my 
recollection, — it was that of my mother’s death : 
my dear mother ! she has left her saddened home 
for a better one than this earth could give her. 

15 


16 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


The last words she spoke to me were : “Bea 
girl: love thy father; farewell!” 

“ The trembling dewdrops fall 
Upon the shutting flowers, like souls at rest 
The stars shine gloriously, — and all 
Save me are blest. 

“ Mother, I love thy grave ! 

The violet, with its blossoms blue and mild, 
Waves o’er thy head : when shall it wave 
Above thy child ? 

“ ’Tis a sweet flower, — yet must 
Its bright leaves to the coming tempest bow 
Dear mother, ’tis thine emblem, — dust 
Is on thy brow ! 

“ And I could love to die, 

To leave untasted life’s dark, bitter stream ; 
By thee, as erst in childhood lie, 

And share thy dream. 

“ And must I linger here, 

A lonely branch upon a withered tree, 
Whose last frail leaf, untimely sere, 

Went down with thee? 

“ And must I linger here, 

To stain the plumage of my sinless years, 
And mourn the hopes of childhood dear, 
With bitter tears ? 

“ Oft from life’s withering bower, 

In still communion with the past I turn, 
And muse on thee, the only flower, 

In memory’s urn. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


17 


On the 13th of First Month, 1850, her remains 
were carried to the grave. In a few months after, 
I had the chicken-pox severely ; in a few days 
after that disease left me, I was taken with a lame- 
ness in my left hip, — it came on very strangely, 
perhaps one day I would limp very badly, and the 
next not limp at all. In the Third month of 1851, 
my father married again : his wife was a widow 
with one son; her name was Phebe H. Irish, and 
his name James V. Irish. That same year my hip 
kept growing worse, until it was very bad : it was 
first lanced, and then broke and discharged in five 
places ; we knew not what caused it. Father and 
mother tried nearly all the different doctors they 
heard of. After a year and all its troubles had 
passed away, I was much better, so that I could 
walk on both feet: the places all closed. I was 
not confined to my bed more than two or three 
days the whole year, but my limb was not sound : 
every time I took cold, it would make me so that 
I could walk only on one foot, my lame limb being 
so weak. 

Eighth month 2d, 1857 . — It is a beautiful day. 
I have been reading in the Friends Intelligencer , 
and some remarks have caused me to meditate on 
the misery of mankind. Some are dressed in the 
2 


18 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


vainest of fashions, and eating the best of food, 
while others would be glad to pick up a piece of 
dry bread out of the road. 

Eighth month 8th . — It is raining very hard as I 
write. Oh, how the cool refreshment from heaven 
does pour down upon the plants and trees, to make 
them grow and bring forth food for us ! 

:o: 

Second month 20th, 1858. — Death? — what is 
death? it is the passing from one life into another. 
Oh, what a blessed thing is death to one who feels 
ready to meet his Creator face to face ; but what a 
wretched thing it must be to the wicked, when 
death summons him home ! That thought brings 
all our past life back on us in utter confusion : it 
makes us think if we have, in the past, disobeyed 
the commands of God; which, no doubt, we too 
often have. 

Fourth month 14-th . — What a blessed thing is 
solitude ! When I am alone and all around me is 
still, save the sweet music of nature, then my 
thoughts rest on my mother, — the loved one who 
has long since departed this life for another and 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


19 


far happier one in the realms of eternal bliss ; and 
I pray that, by the help of the all-wise Creator, her 
example may be of great profit to me. Oh, what 
a loss did her friends and those near and dear to 
her sustain, when she was called on high ! How 
very, very often, are these words verified : “What 
is our loss, is her eternal gain/’ 

Fifth month 8th . — What a blessed thing it is to 
have a home where, weary with the toil of the day, 
you may find comfort and cheerfulness in the quiet 
hours of eve, there to rest from the tiresome hum 
of business in the sweet society of your family. 
But there are many, very many, that do not have 
such a home : many a wife has to toil hard to earn 
even half enough for herself and family to eat, and 
what she earns, if her husband could get it, would 
be spent in drink. Oh, what an evil is drunken- 
ness ! These words come from the very bottom of 
my heart; for, when I think what evil is done in 
this world by spirituous liquors, and what a differ- 
ent world it would be if entirely exempt from them, 
I can say bitterly : “ Oh, what an evil is drunken- 
ness ! ” but I hope that, for all such afflicted ones, 
there is a happier home in heaven. Thank God, 
I have a “happy home!” and have great sympa- 
thy for those who are thus afflicted. 


20 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


Fifth month 26th . — I have lately been reading a 
story that occurred during the French Eevolution, 
which brings afresh to my mind the horrors caused 
by war: how wicked it is for man to kill his 
brother, and scatter abroad the blood of men that 
should always be his friends; for the Bible com- 
mands us to “ love one another.” But some will 
argue, why should I not defend myself, and if at- 
tacked by a man that intends to kill me, why 
should I not fight ? My answer would be, if thy 
friend seeketh thy life to destroy it, and it comes 
to a point so that one or the other must die, rather 
let him kill thee who art fit to die : for if a man 
makes up his mind that he had rather be killed 
than kill, he is certainly more fit to die than the 
other. Perhaps if he is not slain by thy hand, he 
may possibly repent of his wicked ways, become 
one of the followers of Christ, and be received into 
the kingdom of the blessed. 

Fifth month 28th . — Our folks came home last 
evening, and brought Uncle Stephen and Aunt 
Sarah with them. Oh, how thankful I should be 
if all of us were as patient under afflictions as she 
is ! For all that she has suffered, her face wears 
a pleasant aspect; and from her heart she declares 
that she is happy in the possessions that God has 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


21 


granted her, although health has not always been 
her portion. 

Sixth month 25th . — I have just returned from 
an appointed meeting by James Thorn. He spoke 
very long and, most of the time, very fast. Oh, 
James Thorn! thou art a diligent laborer in the 
Lord’s work : may success crown thy efforts. If 
other people are stirred in their mind for our souls’ 
salvation, oh ! why then is it that so many of us 
seem not to think of the end that is to come ? why 
is it that we think so much more of the outward 
clothing than of the inward? 0 Lord, I beseech 
Thee to bless me with a different heart from that 
I now possess : a heart pure from the sins and vile- 
ness of the world. I send my earnest petition up 
to the throne of grace, and hope to have Jesus 
Christ, the Saviour of the world, heed the prayers 
of me, a poor worm of the dust. 

Sixth month 29th . — How very often does James 
Thorn’s virtue and excellence come up before my 
mind, as vivid as though it had been but a few 
moments ago that I heard him address us, in a 
tone so expressive of what he felt in his own soul. 
It has saved me from many a petty sin to think 
how earnestly he labors in the Lord’s service; for 


22 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


I know that it would be injustice to him, and a 
great , great deal more so to God, if I were not to 
heed his divine teachings. Did I say petty sins? 
there are no such sins. He says : “ We must never 
think that anything is little, that it does not make 
any difference; it is little things that make great 
ones : also, that we ought not to call Jesus Christ 
our Saviour, if we have not been saved by Him.” 
Why is it? — I have heard others speak, but none 
have ever made such an impression on my memory 
as he has. 

Seventh month 6th. — Calm, holy, peaceful twi- 
light, — what must be those hearts that are not 
stirred by the solemn thoughts arising in the 
breast of man, as he gazes on yon beautiful scene ? 
I said that it was solemn; and sunset is indeed a 
solemn time, — solemn, for when gazing upon it we 
cannot very easily help thinking of the Great Be- 
stower of all gifts, and therefore I call it solemn. 

0 God, I thank Thee ! comes from my inmost heart; 
what I ask of Thee is, to permit me to serve Thee 
while health and strength last. 

Seventh month 17th . — It is nearly sunset, and 

1 am seated in the quiet of my own room. Who 
would exchange this place of peace and sweet con- 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


23 


tentment for the burst of revelry? Oh, manifold 
^goodness ! Thou, that hast blessed me with bless- 
ings unnumbered, art also the Giver of blessings 
to other people. Oh, then, how ought we to repay 
Thee? My heart answers from its deepest re- 
cesses : By diligent attendance to all Thy rules ; 
for we know that they will lead us in the road to 
happiness. How many people are there in this day 
that, at the first, you would think almost perfect; 
but get closely acquainted with them and you will 
find they have not given their whole hearts to God, 
or do not think of the happiness or well-being of 
their fellow-creatures, as commanded in that Book 
of books; but no man on the face of the earth is 
perfect, therefore we must not judge too closely. 
Every word or thoughtless expression by some is 
retained in my memory, and from these I form in 
my mind an impression of the character of the per- 
son; though I fear that, if others observe my de- 
portment closely, they will find it lacking in many 
particulars. But I intend to be more careful of 
my own behavior, and less observing of others. 

Seventh month 15th . — I am at present at Uncle 
David's, seated by the door, and the works of na- 
ture are shown forth so beautifully, that I cannot 
help feeling thankful that God has lavished upon 


24 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


me so many blessings. I am a great admirer of 
nature. I have ever lived in sight of what I call 
beautiful scenery, and have from my infancy culti- 
vated the desire of gazing upon any thing which 
shows forth the wonderful works of the Creator. 

Eighth month 13th . — Again we have been sum- 
moned to follow one of our brothers to the grave : 
Cousin Harvey Macy has been called on high. In 
one short hour, that fond father and doting mother 
have been stripped of their priceless gem. “The 
Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away ; blessed 
be the name of the Lord.” Better, far better, if it 
is the will of our Father in heaven, for him to be 
taken away now, before the sin and allurements of 
the world entered his young heart. I remember 
wondering, when mother died, what made father, 
and grandfather and grandmother Horton look so 
very, very sad, — my young heart could give vent 
to no real grief : I little realized what a great loss 
had come on me. 0 grave! what art thou? — art 
thou the destroyer of all our hopes and prospects 
of this world? Yes, of this world, but not of that 
which is to come, for there is promised rest : for the 
Lord saith, “ Come unto me, all ye that labor and 
are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” — for 
many souls are weary, sadly weary, with sin. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


25 


Eleventh month Ifth . — Amie Anna is teaching, 
and we have a little school. I must be more 
regular in my writing : it has been nearly a year 
and a-half since I commenced this little book; — 
many changes have taken place in me since that 
time, not to be observed by the sight of the world, 
neither are many of them recorded in this little 
work. I know that our God, the Lord of heaven 
and earth, is a merciful God, and not only forgiveth 
the seventh time, but also the seventy-seventh ; 
and to those who are willing to turn again to God 
and repent of their former doings, I verily believe 
that He will turn to them again. Oh ! that I were 
a true follower of Christ ; which I regret to say I 
am not. Oh ! what words to use, when I am likely 
to be called away from this probationary state any 
moment, any hour. Time, time ! — go not so fast, 
for thou art altogether too fast for us, slow mor- 
tals; for often, very often, do the gray hairs of age 
cover many a brow before such have an assur- 
ance of being God's children. But the fault is our 
own, — -yes, it is we that are slow ; but why should 
we be so? Oh! give us help from above, — give 
Thy children help, 0 God ! for without Thy assist- 
ance we are poor, helpless creatures. 

Eleventh month 18th . — No one that has not 


26 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


experienced the same, knows anything about my 
unsettled state of mind, neither can they under- 
stand it. I have read the journals of religious 
men, and have deeply sympathized with them in 
their mental exercises. 

Twelfth month 5th . — When I think how likely 
we are to die at any moment, to think of dying 
unprepared brings a shudder to my soul. Not 
long ago the existence of a Supreme Being was 
veiled under a cloud so dark, that it was almost 
impenetrable; now it is quite different. I am un- 
settled on many things tending to yield peace and 
quietness of mind : but I wait, as commanded, un- 
til they are revealed; for I know that the Creator 
removes not the beings placed here by His own 
hand until they acquire a knowledge of His exist- 
ence. I have sent petitions to the throne of grace 
for many things to be revealed unto me. 0 God, 
I implore Thee to hear my cry and grant my pe- 
tition : forgive all my sins, and let me commence 
life anew ! oh, grant this prayer, I implore Thee ! 
I believe Thou knowest what is' best and right for 
me, and I will try to be content therewith : Thy 
will, 0 God, not mine, be done ! 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


27 


First month 1st , 1859. — To-day is the first day 
of the year, and is considered as a day of rejoicing; 
but I take it different from some, — I think of what 
another year may bring forth. I may be laid in 
my grave, and the earth cover my decaying body; 
or I may live and be enjoying the blessings show- 
ered upon us by an All- wise Being ! How neces- 
sary it is that I should be making resolutions for 
the better. Oh, then, let me ask strength of Him 
who watcheth my every action, and with an eye 
that foresees what shall be my portion.” 

First month 11th . — We have received informa- 
tion that Aunt Phebe Hallock breathed her last 
this morning. 

“ Life is real ! Life is earnest ! 

And the grave is not its goal. 

‘ Dust thou art, to dust returnest,’ 

Was not spoken of the soul.” 

Ho, for the soul has a higher destination, a lof- 
tier habitation, for it is destined to do the com- 
mandments of our gracious Father, and its habita- 
tion is with Him, eternal. To think of her. whom 
I have so often seen move around with life and 
gayety, that the flight of the immortal spirit has 
made the body inanimate, and therefore it is “laid 
in the narrow house appointed for all the living.” 


28 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


What a novelty is life ! — what hard work to real- 
ize that, after sojourning on this vast globe for 
a specified time, we are to leave at the call of our 
Father in heaven! Oh, that I may be as well 
prepared as I think she was, for I believe her life 
ever wore an unspotted aspect! 

Third month 19th . — There has been a youth, 
only nineteen years of age, hung upon the scaffold 
for murder; his name was Bogers. Three pieces 
appeared in the Intelligencer concerning it, which 
exactly met my feelings. Oh, if they would con- 
sider what an awful thing it is to send a soul, 
stained with murder, unrepentant up to God ! But 
some say he seemed very penitent and willing to 
die; surely if this be true, he was prepared to live. 
It is not for us to take away the life we cannot 
give, — but we may fix a place strong and secure 
for such people, and do all that lies in our power 
to show them the goodness of God. 

But some say it is a warning to others, the fear 
of walking down to the same dark fate. Did God 
slay Cain when he killed his brother? No,— God 
placed a mark upon his brow, so that all might 
know him. Ah ! when that day of judgment comes, 
will not our nation, as well as others, have to give 
an account of much blood shed? and, when the 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


29 


question is asked, “Where is thy brother?” what 
answer can be given, or who must atone for such 
atrocious crimes? But the law says, “They must 
die for murder;” and so saith the world. 

Fourth month 25th . — It is indeed, a very plea- 
sant day. Can it be that some people think this 
comes by mere chance, — that it has no All-wise 
Creator to soothe and guide the rippling stream 
of life’s warfare ? 0 man ! stop and think what it 

is thou deniest, — consider all around thee, and also 
behold minutely the whole system of thy being. 
What is it that tells us when we do wrong, and so 
harshly reproves us? — what is it that justifies us 
when we do right, and bestows that peace of mind 
which “ the world cannot give, neither can it take 
away ? ” It is conscience, placed within us by God 
for our own good. 

Fourth month 28th . — How very different are 
the beliefs of the people of the world respecting 
religious subjects; but, if a person really thinks 
one way, and is happy in that thought, why should 
not his belief be respected? All people cannot 
think alike : I believe it is according to Scripture, 
that, as a man thinketh, so it is with him. 

Fifth month 1st . — It seems almost like a sum- 


30 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


mer morning. The wind stirs the leaves with a 
lively motion, the cherry-trees are in bloom, and 
vegetation shows the return of Spring. Oh, bright 
and joyous spring-time, thou hast returned once 
more, to enliven our desponding hours with thy 
loveliness! Can I wish it to be always Spring? 
No, no; too well I love the laws of the great King 
of kings, and oh, that I may be helped to submit 
to them in all things, for it is right that I should 
do so! 

:o: 

Fifth month 11th, 1859 . — There is a Divine 
Power that can strengthen our weak resolves, and 
it is my deep, heartfelt prayer that we may obey 
that “still small voice,” which whispers what our 
duty is. Oh, that we may attend to the inward 
revealing of Divine grace ! so that, when our work 
is finished, we may depart, saying : I have fought 
a good fight; my work is done; henceforth there 
is laid up for me a crown of righteousness. May 
we all lay up treasure in heaven, for it is far bet- 
ter than on earth, “where moth and rust do cor- 
rupt, and thieves break through and steal.” 

Fifth month 17th . — Who can say, “There is no 
God?” At the quiet, meditative hour of eve, all 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


31 


nature is hushed into lovely tranquillity, and the 
sun has set so magnificently, — gone to give light 
and heat to another hemisphere, — leaving behind 
such a host of beautiful clouds, which are soon lost 
in the lovely gray of twilight : at this hour, take 
a walk in one of the beautiful groves of our land, 
there behold the tall and majestic oak towering in 
seemingly close communion with the clouds, and 
beneath it a little brook, its sweet ripple so pleas- 
ant to the ear that admires the works of God., 
We cannot look around without beholding some- 
thing in which the almighty power of Jehovah is 
manifest. Oh, thou atheist! pause and consider 
this vast universe, before thou again deniest the 
existence of an almighty God. There must be, 
there cannot but be in thee, as there is in others, 
“a still small voice,” which whispers unto thee 
that thou art wrong, — and is not that voice given 
us by a Supreme Being? My heart says,. Yes; 
and I have often queried with myself, What was 
best for me to do ? and, after waiting, I would re- 
ceive an answer, showing the right. 

Fifth month 25th . — I have written much in this 
little book . I have spoken about many things, and 
perhaps have spoken wrongfully; but I feel very 
thankful to Thee, my Father, for the many, many 


32 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


benefits I have received from Thy hand. Bounti- 
fully hast Thou lavished them on me, — Thou hast 
given me a happy, happy home, and kind and lov- 
ing parents; and if Thou hast called away a dear 
and tender mother from our social band to inherit 
a home in heaven, she has been replaced by an- 
other, who loves and cares for us. I am now sit- 
ting by an open window; the sun is just sinking 
beyond the distant hills, and shedding his beauti- 
ful rays on the face of nature. Lovely art thou, 
0 nature! — deep mysteries are shown from thy 
bosom', all ordered by our heavenly Father for the 
good of unworthy man. 

Sixth month 1st . — It is a very rainy day for the 
commencement of Summer, but the works of the 
Most High are beautifully shown forth in the gen- 
tly refreshing shower; and that each pearly drop 
is wisely ordered, is very plain to the observant 
eye. We attended meeting to-day; it was nearly 
silent: one earnest voice spoke a few words of con- 
solation, urging us all forward in the straight path 
of the meek and lowly Jesus. I brought home 
from the library a memoir of Alexander Young: 
it describes the death of a Christian. He died 
with a clear foretaste of future happiness. How 
beautiful it must be to die, feeling that we have 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


33 


finished our duty and that we leave happy, in obe- 
dience to the call of our heavenly Father; and oh, 
how desirable is such a death ! 

Sixth month 3d . — Daniel Tompkins was buried 
to-day at the Baptist church ; he died of the fever 
that we have so much of. Another is mingled 
with the dust, — the body, from whence the soul is 
fled, has been laid in the narrow house appointed 
for all the living. Many, very many, have during 
the past winter and spring been called away from 
this terrestrial sphere; but such is the will'of our 
heavenly Father, and we can only hope that they 
were ready to depart. Many have gone, but still 
I am suffered to remain. My mother and a little 
sister, nine years ago, in obedience to the heavenly 
call, have departed from my sight, but they are 
often present in my mind. Oh. shall I ever forget 
her tender admonition to me on her death-bed, to 
“be a good girl and love my father, for I would 
not have my mother to love ” ? How beautiful are 
the bright clouds in the west, shining through the 
green leaves, — and it is almost raining, too. 

Sixth month Jfth . — I am up in my room; the 
girls are with me also, writing. Many things are 
presented to my mind on the structure of man, — 

3 


34 


DIAKY AND LETTEKS OF 


how complete and beautiful it is ! At his birth, 
he is pure and innocent, but mingling with the 
world his spirit is stained like those with whom 
he associates, he becomes vile and wicked, and thus 
dies if not redeemed by the purifying grace of God 
ever manifest to human beings, which, if attended 
to, will lead to a place of light, of happiness, — a 
heaven. I desire to pattern after One who set be- 
fore us a holy example, — ever ready to perform 
the service made manifest with cheerfulness and 
alacrity. I know that many things are required 
which seem very hard to our creaturely wills, but 
all things are possible with God. 

Sixth month Wth . — I believe that new and fresh 
vigor has been given me, to do what is required at 
my hand : may I always prove faithful, however 
hard the task, and perform the Divine requiring. 
When I think how I am deformed, and that I have 
almost always been a sickly, dependent child, the 
trial cannot be easily borne unless by my heavenly 
Father’s assistance; and I think I have succeeded 
quite well in not caring for it. I know that those 
who would laugh at me cannot be such as I should 
care for, and the perfect symmetry of the body is 
nothing if the spiritual part, — that which can live 
forever, — is right with God. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


35 


Sixth month 26th . — I have been sitting a long 
time gazing at the gold and silver tinted clouds, 
like diamonds, but far more beautiful, set in the 
blue vault of heaven, and have reflected much on 
the goodness of that almighty Being whose works 
are perfect. 

Sixth month 30th . — It is at the hour of sunset 
that I seat myself to write a few lines. What an 
hour for meditation, deep and thorough! I feel 
that I have truly searched my heart in its deepest 
recesses, and find there much vanity and irresolu- 
tion, and more noxious weeds are growing there- 
in than I desire. The grace of our Lord Jesus 
Christ, who came into the world to save sinners, 
never can redeem unless we are willing to be puri- 
fied by Him. 

I am very fearful I shall be this Summer, as I 
have been for so many, unable to attend meeting, 
as I feel so very, very weak, — I soon become tired. 
It is a sore trial and seems very hard, but I think 
I can truly say, Thy will, 0 Father, and not mine, 
be done. 

Seventh month 3d . — This morning I saw the 
people as they went to meeting. Not being well 
enough, I did not go, but my mind followed them 


36 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


to their destination, and joined with them in silent 
worship and prayer for the welfare of my immor- 
tal soul. 

Seventh month 10th . — I have been at meeting 
to-day. It is very pleasant to join in the worship 
of our Father, but if it is His will that I should 
not, I willingly submit to His requirements. 

Seventh month 17th . — I am writing at the time 
when the sombre shades of night are drawing near, 
and am enchanted with the beautiful scene before 
me, reminding me that great and powerful is the 
wisdom of Him who caused the fire, the whirlwind, 
and the earthquake to pass by, but nought of Deity 
was visible, — when all had ceased, the still small 
voice was heard. So it is in the present age : we 
do not find God in the bustle and confusion of the 
world, but retire a little aside, and then His voice 
speaketh. 

Twelfth month 1st. — To-day is the first day of 
Winter. The rigid season has commenced, but it 
is not devoid of beauty, for many things claim the 
attention of an observant eye. The earth is often 
clad in a robe as beautiful as that of Summer ; for 
it is a pure white, and white is an emblem of inno- 
cency. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


37 


First month 1st, 1860. — Yes, to-day is the first 
day of the new year. It seems to me that the old 
year has passed away very quickly; but it is gone, 
— gone, never more to be recalled; and the ques- 
tion that arises is, has anything passed away with 
the old year, any sinful acts or misdeeds, which I 
would like to recall that I may correct them ? But, 
alas ! “ Time and tide wait for no man : ” they are 
gone, and no power of man can recall them, — it is 
the present that we should improve. 

First month 12th . — This morning the ground is 
covered again with snow, and it continued snow- 
ing until noon, when it cleared off beautifully. * * 
Truly winter is a rigid season ; but it has charms, 
and to-day shows them forth in all their beauty. 
When I think of the many things superior to my- 
self which the Father has created, I cannot but 
wonder that He should take notice of me. The 
Psalmist fell into a like reflection, saying : “ When 
I consider Thy heavens, the work of Thy fingers, 
the moon and the stars, which Thou hast ordain- 
ed : what is man, that Thou art mindful of him, 
and the son of man, that Thou visitest him ? ” 


First month 21st . — How beautiful, how magnif- 
icent are the works of creation ! and when we con- 


38 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


sider that they were all ordained by a wise and a 
loving Father, when we think that He has created 
all things for onr good, do our hearts swell within 
us ? do we covenant with Him that we will never, 
as long as life lasts, do anything but His will? and 
resolve that by our words, actions, and deeds, His 
name shall be praised ? saying unto the evil spirit, 
“ Get thee hence, Satan ! for in my heart there is 
but One ruler, and that is the everlasting and per- 
fect Father of all.” Oh, my Father ! if we kept 
our eye single to Thy commands, and listened not 
to the Ho, here is Christ! or there!” then would 
Thy name be greatly praised, and we would ensure 
that abiding peace which is not of this world, but 
of the Redeemer’s everlasting kingdom. 

Sixth month 30th . — How grand, how rich, how 
beautiful, are the works of the Infinite and Eter- 
nal ! how many wonderful things He hath created ! 
What am I to Him ? I am but a speck in His vast 
universe: still I was created to live and die, and, 
while I live, help me to live soberly, righteously, 
justly, and honestly ! Oh, help me, — I know Thou 
wilt if I seek rightly, — to be of more service in the 
world than I have been ! I hope I may live so that, 
when the Father calls me to leave this terrestrial 
sphere, I can say with truth, “Lord, I am ready.” 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


39 


Eighth month 2nd . — We heard that our people 
would not be home from Quarterly Meeting until 
to-morrow, as Caroline Stoutenburg is dead, and 
they expect to attend her funeral. She has been 
a member of our Society nearly a year : I have 
reason to believe that she has met the Author of 
her being face to face, worthy to enter the realms 
of everlasting bliss prepared for the righteous. 

Little did I think, when I last took leave of her, 
that I should never see her more, — that I would 
never gaze upon that face again ! How long be- 
fore I may be summoned to the grave I know not : 
who knows? who can tell? none but the great al- 
mighty One. 0 God ! help me to lead a more per- 
fect life ! to be more like our blessed Saviour, gen- 
tle and forgiving; so that when I am summoned 
to the grave, I may be ready to inhabit the man- 
sion prepared for the righteous. How deep that 
husband’s grief must be, who has lost so lovely a 
wife ! we, too, have lost a valuable friend. 

Ninth month 28th . — Sarah Hoag, — oh, what a 
precious woman ! can it be that her spirit has flown 
back to God who gave it? can it be that dear one 
is to be laid in the narrow grave? It is, — it must 
be so ! Thank God, I have been allowed to know 
and feel something of her worth ! I hope I have 


40 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


felt it; for I have witnessed some of her deeds of 
love, — may her example not be lost on me. Oh, 
my Father, may I be so prepared to pass from the 
stage of action, that I may feel I am going home, 
— going to a mansion, eternal in the heavens ! 


-:o:- 


First month 9th, 1861 . — We have heard of the 
death of a little colored girl, that lived at Uncle 
James Moseman’s. She died of diphtheria, and is 
to be buried at Amawalk to-morrow. This little 
girl's skin was dark-colored, but was that a reason 
why she should not have a soul? why she should 
not be considered human, or on a level with those 
whose skins are white? Methinks not; and I also 
think that, if colored people were to act in accord- 
ance with the light of Christ within them, their 
souls would be as free from blot or stain, and be 
as acceptable to the Creator, as if their skins were 
white. 0 slavery ! slavery ! shall we ever see an 
end of thee, vile and wicked as thou art! Will 
our dearly-beloved republic ever be free from the 
sin of slavery? I hope so; and the day may not 
be far distant. A new year has commenced, and 
how another year may find the affairs of this na- 
tion is a question that has arisen in my mind. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


41 


There has been a great deal of talk about the 
South’s seceding, since the election of Abraham 
Lincoln, the Republican candidate for the presi- 
dency. I do not know how things will turn out; 
I only hope it will be for the best, and that right 
may triumph over wrong. 

First month 27th . — As we were coming home, 
mother said she did wish father would not let the 
horses go so fast across the flats, and I asked what 
hurt would it do if they went fast; and she said, 
“What if they should run away?” Father leaned 
back and asked: “Thee does not fear, does thee? 
thy father is at the helm.” And should I fear 
while such a father is protector? But is there 
not another Father, who is Father over all, and to 
whose loving care we owe all things? Is He not 
always at the helm, to guide into the true haven 
the ship of life? And oh, if we were always will- 
ing to be led, guided, and directed by that high 
and holy One ! but we are so prone to evil, to the 
spirit of the world, and leave those things that are 
of more lasting and durable account. 

Second month 18th . — I would dearly love to go 
up and see P. E. Carpenter, but something happens 
to hinder : I do not know what she will think of 


42 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


me. I did not think one year ago that she would 
be so near her close; but Jehovah ruleth in wis- 
dom. If summoned from this sphere of action, 
may she be ready to depart. 

Am I a diligent seeker after the true bread of 
life that cometh down from heaven? do I wish to 
be fed with that, rather than with the bread of 
this world, spiritually? 

Second month 25th . — Darkness has spread its 
sable mantle over a part of earth's surface. I 
heard yesterday that Phebe Elizabeth was very 
poorly, but just alive. A little over a year ago, 
and she was in this very room at school, and now, 
dear one, where art thou? Art thou yet an in- 
habitant of earth, or gone from us? faded as a 
blossom from the earth, leaving thy father and 
friends to lay thee out of sight, never more to 
hear thy step or the music of thy voice. Phebe 
Elizabeth, thy name is dear to me ! if thou leave 
us for a home with Jesus, for a home in the ama- 
ranthine bowers of perfect bliss, of spotless purity, 
should we mourn for thee? 

“ Leaves have their time to fall, 

And flowers to wither at the North wind’s breath, 
And stars to set; but all,— 

Thou hast all seasons for thine own, 0 death! ” 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


43 


Third month 1st — If I have joys or sorrows, 
Phebe Elizabeth is not here to share them with 
me, — she is gone. Life and death are both real- 
ities. Oh, father, if thou hast placed many hopes 
and wishes on thy daughter, they are all crushed 
now! She cannot share thy joy or sorrow: her 
body alone remains, the spirit has fled. 

Fourth month 12th . — Attended meeting : Jesse 
Hallock, Elizabeth Quinby, and Daniel Griffin had 
each something to offer therein; Elizabeth had a 
good deal to say in both meetings. She is from 
Chappaqua, and intends visiting all the families 
belonging to this monthly meeting, and to appoint 
some meetings. I hope she is a true servant of 
God : she said many beautiful things, and my soul 
has been somewhat refreshed. I have been much 
exercised for a long time, — is it from disobedience, 
or have I permitted the world and its vanities to 
bewilder me? If so, I hope to be brought out of 
it. 0 Father, will Thou help me to be entirely 
willing to perform Thy service ? to bow in spirit 
at the throne of grace and say, “ Thy will, 0 Lord, 
not mine, be done.” 

Fourth month 15th . — William Penn placed the 
whole of religion in two words, “Humility and 


44 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


love,” and I think both are very much lacking in 
some of us. How much happier we might pro- 
ceed with our domestic affairs, and not alone in 
them, but in all the walks of life, if love, — pure, 
undefiled love, — were our rule of action : may we 
strive to possess it. 

Fourth month 25th . — War has commenced in, 
what was termed, “our happy, free America.” 
But few years have passed since it was engaged 
in a long and terrible conflict, and then freedom 
was enjoyed by a part of the people, while some 
were held in bondage and compelled to labor, for 
which they received scarcely any remuneration; 
and now there is another war, and how long or 
destructive it may prove, time only will solve, — 
many lives already have been lost. How contrary 
to the peaceable spirit of the gospel. 

Eighth month 11th . — I think the soldiers must 
suffer much from the excessive heat. Oh, what a 
sad time for our country ! Many of our citizens 
have volunteered their services ; but what will be 
the result I cannot tell. Human beings engaged 
in the work of destruction, hurrying into eternity 
thousands of souls when they are in a different state 
from what they should -be. I know they are work- 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


45 


ing in their country’s service, but God hath said 
“ Thou shalt not kill,” and are they Christians who 
positively disobey such a command? 

Ninth month 7th . — It is the afternoon of a beau- 
tiful day, and I thought I would try and write a 
little. My limb and back have troubled me very 
much, with that exception I am well. If I should 
be laid on a bed of sickness, may God be with me; 
may His everlasting arm of goodness and mercy 
be stretched forth toward me! 0 my God, may 
Thou be pleased to give strength to bear patiently 
all that may fall to my lot ! 

Ninth month 10th . — I am so tired : it does not 
take much to make me tired now; my limb has 
troubled me a good deal to-day. Oh, my once 
dear Phebe Elizabeth, thou art not forgotten ! al- 
though young and joyous, yet stricken down by 
that fatal disease consumption, after many days of 
suffering : there is one that oft remembers thee. 

Ninth month 22nd . — I have not been to meeting 
for several weeks, as I have not been well; my 
limb is gathering, and from appearance I suppose 
it is drawn out of joint. 0 my God, give me pa- 
tience, that I may not murmur ! — if deprived of 


46 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


many of life’s enjoyments, I possess the one great 
privilege, even as others. 

Ninth month 30th . — I have thought that I felt 
something of the Christian religion to-night, — 
beautiful, indeed, would be a family living in per- 
fect harmony, with pure love to every one and for 
their Creator, existing solely for the good of man- 
kind and to their Maker’s praise : though great 
may be the trials of life and varied its besetments, 
yet trusting all to God and having perfect faith in 
Him. There would be no more wars or fightings, 
quarrellings or disputations, but undefiled love to 
all. 0 thou Father of heaven and earth, I im- 
plore Thee to help one of Thy creatures ! oh, give 
me strength to bear the temptations and trials of 
this world with the right spirit ! Guide my wan- 
dering feet, I pray Thee, until I reach the haven 
of rest ! 0 Thou eternal One, help me to mani- 

fest pure love toward all my fellow-creatures, that 
when I am done with time I may enter on a bliss- 
ful eternity. 


PHEBE M. IKISH. 


47 


First month 29th, 1863 . — I have not been out 
of the yard since last summer, when I attended 
the funeral of Eliza Denike: that overcame me, 
and as I can be comfortable at home, I had better 
remain there until my health is improved. It is 
very hard sometimes, when I think how much I 
could enjoy myself; but there are many things for 
which I should be thankful to the Giver of every 
good and perfect gift. He knows what is right 
and best, and we poor, erring creatures see hut 
faintly. 

Second month 1st . — It is the sabbath-day, — the 
day that the mighty One, the Father of all, has 
said should be a day of rest, a day of prayer and 
meditation, a day for humbling ourselves before 
Him; but how little is it used as such? On this 
day a great many go to the house of God, but do 
they obey the commandment inwardly, or are they 
thinking of outward things ? of things of the flesh, 
and not of the spirit, — not of God? Oh, may I 
consider what a privilege it is, if allowed again! 
I must leave off writing, as I desire to read a little 
in a work entitled “A Portraiture of Quakerism/’ 
which I think very interesting. 


Fourth month 19th . — When I arose this morn- 


48 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


ing, I was very fearful it was going to be stormy, 
as the look of the clouds threatened it, and so dis- 
appoint me in my intended visit to Uncle Isaac’s; 
yet was determined to make the best of it, if such 
should be the case. But the firmament was soon 
clear and beautiful, a welcome sight, as I had not 
been out of the yard, with the exception of going 
to A. Gerow’s (the next house), for eight months. 

Fourth month 26th . — I follow my friends in 
thought to their plaice of worship, though I can- 
not go with them in body. My mind’s eye pic- 
tures them all engaged in worshipping God, the 
great Creator and Author of all good. 

Fifth month 10th . — It has been a lovely day, 
and I have been to meeting the first time for nine 
months. We had a very good meeting: William 
Hallock, Bichard Miller, Henry Griffin, and Dan- 
iel Griffin spoke, and Abbie Jane Griffin appeared 
in supplication; and oh, what a beautiful prayer 
it was, beseeching the Author of all good in our 
behalf ! 0 God, help me, I pray Thee, to be what 

she prayed for us to be ! 

I do hope I shall be well enough to go to meet- 
ing now and then this summer : it seems good to 
be there. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


49 


Tenth month 21st . — Attended meeting. Wm. 
Hallock said: “There are many worldly counsel- 
lors, and if our wills are our own, we are liable to 
be deceived by them; but if our wills are held in 
subjection to our heavenly Father, we shall receive 
sweet counsel, that will be enlivening and strength- 
ening, and teach us to receive the good and reject 
the evil.” How true, — let us pray for such coun- 
sel. 

Jesse H. Griffin got clear of the draft : how very 
thankful we should be for the many blessings we 
receive in those dreadful war times. I am thank- 
ful on his account. Lida’s brother is encamped 
on Kandall’s Island : he wears the military garb. 
They allow him to furnish his own provision, as 
he does not use the product of slave labor or ani- 
mal food. Some say he will fight, if he is in dan- 
ger of losing his life; but I do not think so. If 
his faith is firm, I trust he will be helped through 
to the last, — my warmest sympathy is called forth 
on his behalf. May God help and comfort him : if 
he feels that peace which the world cannot disturb, 
it will be well with him. 

Eleventh month 22d . — At meeting, Henry Grif- 
fin and Jesse Hallock appeared in testimony. The 
former spoke of spiritual worship, — how unneces- 


50 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


sary that vocal sounds should be heard in our 
assemblies; also, on the fleetness of time. Jesse 
spoke of the purity of truth, and how important 
that we should be its possessors. I had a good 
meeting, praying inwardly that the Father would 
help me to live a life more in accordance with the 
example set by the blessed Jesus. 

Twelfth month 13th . — I feel very thankful that 
my eyes do not trouble me as much as they did 
last winter. A year ago they hurt me very much, 
since that time they have improved slowly: my 
eyes and forehead used to ache almost continually, 
so that I could not read, write, or sew in comfort, 
but I am thankful they are better. 

Second month 21st, 1864 .. — Within the past few 
weeks I have read Jacob Bitter, which I think 
very interesting, and a portion of “ Conversations 
on Beligious Subjects; ” I am now reading William 
Penn. It is not the first time, — I like it so well, 
that it seems ever new. How I wish there were 
more William Penns, or more men of like spirit: 
some of his conversations I think very interesting 
and instructive. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


51 


Second month 26th . — If I could express my feel- 
ings it might be a comfort to me to write, but I 
cannot; words seem almost inadequate to depict 
the feelings of the heart. 

We have been to the funeral of Mary M. Hal- 
lock, who once was as full of life and hope as any 
of us. Oh, is it so ! I can hardly realize that she 
is no more; but, as her aunt Abbie Jane said to- 
day, “ Why should we mourn for her? She is bet- 
ter off, — her bark is safely moored on the everlast- 
ing shore.” She told her friends not to weep for 
her, and seemed fully and perfectly resigned. My 
warmest sympathies are called forth on behalf of 
the bereaved husband, those sisters, and that little 
one. What a keen trial it must be to lose such a 
friend? that he may receive help and strength to 
bear it from our heavenly Father is my earnest 
prayer, looking to Him alone for comfort and con- 
solation ! 

Dear little George will never know a mother’s 
love : she has left him in the wide, wide world ! 
He has no mother’s hand to guide, or mother’s 
counsel to help, him through life’s travel; but he 
has kind friends, if they are spared him. Let us 
hope for the best, — hope, what a consolation ! 

Third month 16th . — Paulina Tompkins died 


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last night. When at the funeral of Mary M. Hal- 
lock, I looked around and thought that the next 
might be some one now gathered with us, — per- 
haps myself; yet I am spared. Neither is it one 
that was then with us, but is one from our midst. 
Oh, what is the true end of living? what should 
we live for, if not to serve God and prepare for 
death and peace, and everlasting rest? 0 Father, 
I pray Thee help us, we are poor, weak creatures, 
and in this world beset with many temptations. 

Third month 25th . — My birth-day : I am nine- 
teen years of age, and what good have I done in 
these years ? I ask myself this question, — may I 
consider it deeply. We should reflect thoroughly 
on what our parents and near relatives have done 
for us, and endeavor to repay them by every act 
of kindness and love that lies in our power. We 
should never give them a cross look or unpleasant 
word : may I be more thoughtful in the future. 

Fifth month 1st . — So closes another day of our 
life, henceforth to be called the past, bringing us 
nearer eternity. How carefully should we spend 
each day, each moment, — being fearful of disobey- 
ing the will of our heavenly Father ; but I fear 
we come far short of it, — yes, very far. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


53 


Fifth, month 7th . — This day has been very beau- 
tiful, and Nature looks both bright and happy. 
How I love the beautiful spring-time, — the fields 
of grass, the creeping flowers, the blossoming 
trees ; these are a few of the many things which 
make my heart feel joyful, and I think with the 
poet : — 

“O Nature, now in every charm supreme! 

Whose votaries feast on raptures ever new ! 

Oh, for the voice and fire of seraphim, 

To sing thy glories with devotion due ! ” 

Fifth month 9th . — We are having an excellent 
visit with Aunt S — , but we miss Uncle Stephen 
so much ; it seems as if I ought to see him also. 
I think I never realized his death so fully as now; 
hut he was called to a glorious home, and I ask 
myself, Ought we not to be resigned to what our 
heavenly Father has decreed ? My heart answers, 
Yes; but I know it is very hard. It must be a 
hitter, keen trial to her to lose such a near and 
dear friend; she has my warmest sympathies. If 
hard for me, what must it be for her? I hope and 
pray we may all meet again where partings are 
unknown. 

Fifth month 11th . — We have not had much work 


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to do around the house, and had a very pleasant 
time with Aunt Sarah: how much I enjoyed her 
visit ! I wonder if we will ever get another, — time 
will tell. How I wish I were like her in sweet- 
ness of temper, and in many other respects ! It 
seems as if my life has been a long list of failures : 
may I be more diligent in the future, more watch- 
ful over every action ! 

Sixth month 16th . — How lovely and enchanting 
all nature appeared this morning, when father, 
mother,^ sister, and myself started to go to Uncle 
Thomas Van Hoesan’s! We went by the way of 
Croton Dam, a place I had never seen before. I 
never saw such grand scenery until this morning. 
We passed Dale Cemetery, and I thought of the 
many who lie buried there, and how in times past 
they had occupied a place in society, and were as 
full of life and hope as any of us. I enjoyed the 
ride much, as I had not been there since I was 
six years of age, or anywhere else but close round 
home and to Peekskill : the lake looked beautiful, 
it was so still and calm. 


Seventh month 15th . — The last lingering rays 
of the sun are shining in perfect radiance over 
the landscape, making a most beautiful scene from 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


55 


our room window. Oh, how good God is to show- 
er upon us so many blessings ! Ann, Nettie, and 
myself have been alone this afternoon, — I read 
aloud some time, and I think we spent it pleas- 
antly. My dear sister Nettie is a precious sister 
to me: I wonder if we will always enjoy life as 
much as we do at present? I think not: life can- 
not always be as bright. Surely, we have some 
trials, but they are not heavy ones, and I think 
we may lighten our burdens by making the best 
of everything. 

I have heard old people say that youth is the 
spring-time of improvement. I believe in a great 
measure it is so: for then we are buoyant, and 
elastic with life and hope, and pleasant anticipa- 
tions of a bright and happy future are before us. 
If in youth we cultivate a happy disposition, it 
will brighten our pathway, and make us thankful 
for every blessing we receive. 

Eighth month 2d . — It is five minutes of three 
o’clock, and two o’clock was the time father set to 
start for Purchase Quarterly Meeting. Wright, 
Nettie, and myself have been ready some time; 
but for once father is behind-hand, and he was so 
afraid that we would be. I am glad I am going 
to Purchase Quarterly Meeting; my joy is almost 


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without bounds. Had thought for some time that 
I never should be well enough to go so far; per- 
haps it is rash now, but I think not, — so good-by, 
little book, until I come back. 

Eighth month Jfth . — I enjoyed the ride much, 
or it would have seemed longer, but found myself 
tired when out of the carriage. 

Fourth-day morning . — I could hardly realize 
that I was in Purchase Meeting-house, for I have 
thought many times I should never get there. 

Fifth-day . — When we arrived at Chappaqua de- 
pot, a freight-train stood in our way, and a pass- 
enger-train passed while we were waiting : it was 
quite a sight, as I do not remember seeing the 
cars since I was about six years of age. Shall I 
ever be strong enough to ride in them? 

Eighth month ^4ih. — Father, sister Nettie, and 
myself attended meeting; Daniel H. Griffin spoke. 
I often think how very much our little meeting 
and his friends at large would miss him, if taken 
from us. Oh, that we may gain wisdom from his 
counsels and strength from his pleadings, — that 
we may heed his beautiful words of love and en- 
couragement while he is yet with us ! The spirit 
is willing, but the flesh is weak. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


57 


Eighth month 28th . — Attended meeting this 
morning : an inestimable blessing, of which many 
are deprived. How many blessings we have, and 
how little we appreciate them ! When taken from 
us, and we enjoy them no more, we then perceive 
their worth. We may be as happy as earthly good 
can make us and prosperous, and the next day, by 
some reverse of fortune, be the opposite. True, 
very true, we are sure of nothing but death, and 
that must come, sooner or later ; and happy is he 
who is found ready and waiting. 

Ninth month 28th. — To-night we have been 
reading some old letters that Katie’s mother wrote 
to our mother long, long ago : they were very in- 
teresting to us all, — probably more so than they 
were to mother when she received them, — and I 
am sure we have had a very nice time. My dear, 
dear mother ! I wish I could remember more of 
her. 

Tenth month 2nd . — It has been very rainy. I 
desired to go to meeting, it seems so long since I 
was there ; but father did not think it best for me. 
I read several chapters in a book entitled, “ The 
Young Woman’s Guide to Excellence,” and like it 
very much, — it has much excellent advice. 


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I feel quite recovered from my recent sickness. 
I do not remember having a doctor before, except 
when the disease in my limb has sickened me: if 
it were not for my lame back, my health could 
hardly be excelled, — a blessing of no small value, 
which I endeavor to appreciate. My eyes trouble 
me a great deal : for the past three years I have 
had to be very careful of them, and have done but 
little in the evening; I knit much. When sick 
and weak, I read too much; but they are gaining 
strength. 

Tenth month 21st . — Attended meeting. It has 
been a lovely day, — still and quiet, and the vast 
heavens so calm and beautiful ! How inexpressi- 
ble are my feelings of reverence, as I look from 
nature up to nature’s God, and admire the vast 
and wondrous earth, with all its beauties and sub- 
limities ! 

Twelfth month 3rd . — We attended the funeral 
of our much-esteemed friend, and have seen for 
the last time the dear form of Harriet Louisa 
Fountain. My heavenly Father, I pray Thee that 
this afflicted family may receive strength, comfort, 
and guidance from Thy omniscient hand, and place 
on Thee their whole trust and confidence. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


59 


First month 1st , 1865 . — The old year has fled 
and a new one commenced. It hardly seems pos- 
sible that the year 1864 is gone, yet often will its 
sad or joyful remembrances steal into our hearts, 
and renew their impress. 

“ ’Tis greatly wise to talk with our past hours, 

And ask them what report they bore to heaven, 

And how they might have borne more welcome news.” 

First month 3rd . — Nothing in particular has 
occurred to disturb the quiet tenor of our lives, 
and I have been thinking how carefully we should 
live, that we might not set before others a wrong 
example; and there are many, many ways in which 
we may do this in our quiet homes. 

First month 22d . — Attended meeting ; Edward 
Eyder was there, and spoke. Just after meeting 
broke up, he detained us a few minutes by reading 
a petition to the “Good men and women of the 
North” for means to clothe, feed, and warm the 
colored people who have followed General Sher- 
man in his march through Georgia. It was a 
good paper, portraying their intense suffering, — 
also a letter written by some one that had wit- 
nessed their destitution. If men would obey the 
Divine command, to “do unto others as ye would 


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they should do unto you,” how much suffering 
would be relieved, how much love and good feel- 
ing would be promoted ! 

Second month 4th . — How necessary it is that 
in our youth we should cultivate a cheerful and 
happy disposition; it will shed sunshine and beauty 
on all around us. Pleasant words and smiling, 
cheerful faces are necessary to a happy home cir- 
cle. It is my earnest wish and prayer that we 
may all strive to cultivate this, and learn to feel 
for others, and not be too selfish in our actions 
toward those around us. How different from this 
many act, in spreading discord, darkness, and 
gloom in the family, by saying many unpleasant 
things which stir up one’s worst feelings, when 
they seem to wish and strive to be kind, gentle, 
and considerate. Such a disposition, if indulged 
in by youth, does much harm ere life’s close. Oh, 
the fearful, mighty influence of a word harshly or 
thoughtlessly spoken ! A pleasant word will touch 
rich, hidden chords in the soul, that respond in 
sweet, harmonious melodies. Be it ours to scatter 
kind words and winning smiles; to soothe the 
weary; to awaken the nobler, finer feelings; and 
in all things to perform well our mission; and so 
guard our lips that none may grieve in silence 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


61 


over our thoughtless expressions; and, above all, 
that we may enjoy the approving smiles of God. 

Second month 12th . — Esther Weeks has an ap- 
pointed meeting at the Orthodox Meeting-house, 
this afternoon : how much I would have liked to 
go. My best wishes follow her in her labors of 
love; and my earnest prayer is, that she may be 
the instrument of doing much good. Her being 
an Orthodox Friend makes no difference to me: 
if we only land safe on the other side, it matters 
little what name we bear. It seems to me that 
Friends, as well as others, permit names to sepa- 
rate them too much. 

Third month 17th . — Melissa has been very full 
of fun all day, and I ache to-night with laughing 
so much, — do not know when I have laughed so 
much before. It has made carpet-rags go very 
pleasantly, for I must say it is not very agreeable 
employment. There are many things in this world 
which, though not altogether pleasant, are, never- 
theless, necessary. 

Third month 25th . — My birth-day, — I am now 
twenty years of age. It scarcely seems possible, 
but time flies swiftly; and when I meditate upon 


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the years passed in this “sphere of action/’ and 
consider how much better I might have done, I 
pray God to help me improve. Oh, how little we 
can do in our own strength ! 

Fourth month 8th . — Most earnest is my wish 
and prayer that not another battle be fought, nor 
another arm raised against the Union; and, if so 
willed, that peace shall reign triumphant over this 
free country, may we be sufficiently thankful and 
appreciate the great blessing, after having been 
gained at such a fearful loss of life. Can it be 
possible that the time will ever come “when wars 
and rumors of wars ” shall reach our ears no more? 
Oh, happy, thrice happy, shall we be ! 

Fourth month 15th . — I feel as if I had lost a 
near and dear friend; and who would not, after 
hearing the appalling, dreadful news which to- 
day’s paper has brought us of the assassination 
of our beloved President Lincoln? When the 
whole country was so jubilant over the late great 
victories, it is an awful blow to have him, who 
was almost idolized by the loyal people of the 
North, so suddenly taken from us, — from the na- 
tion to whom he has been so dedicated ! Let us 
strive bravely to bear this great affliction. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


63 


Fifth-day. — When cleaning the closets, I found 
a paper dated April 16th, 1861; part of the head- 
ing was, — “ War Begun; The Bombardment of 
Fort Sumter ; 75,000 Militia Called For,” &c. I 
put it, with proud and pleased feelings, beside one 
dated April 4th, 1865, and headed, 11 Grant! Bich- 
mond! Victory !” and another, April 10th, 11 Sur- 
render of Lee and his Whole Army.” Little did I 
think that the 15th would come draped in mourn- 
ing, announcing the death of our beloved Presi- 
dent. 

Seventh month 14th. — I have arisen quite early 
this morning, and am now sitting in our room, 
which, we think, is both nice and pleasant. The 
open window admits a most refreshing breath of 
early morning’s balmy air. It is lovely out : if I 
could walk, I think I should much enjoy a ramble 
this morning, and it might strengthen me; but, 
thanks be to Almighty God ! although I have some 
afflictions, many blessings still brighten my path- 
way. 

Seventh month 15th. — How any human being 
can be so inhuman as to sell liquor to such crea- 
tures as poor Ann, seems strange to me, but there 
are many such in this world. For her my sym- 


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pathies are aroused: she has had a great deal of 
trouble, and, perhaps, this first led her to drink. 
Had I been alone, I should not have had the least 
idea as to what was the matter, for I never saw 
any woman intoxicated before. She has worked 
faithfully, and been kind and pleasant to all of us. 
When I retire, I shall think a great deal of poor 
Ann instead of sleeping; I hope she may not be 
out all night. 

Seventh month 16th. — Poor, wretched Ann is a 
wanderer on the face of the earth, — how I wish I 
knew where she is. I think a great deal about 
her, and other poor victims of the same dreadful 
habit. Heavenly Father, I pray Thee strengthen 
me, that I may be able to overcome all those pro- 
pensities which I know to be wrong; and these 
poor, weak beings, oh, that they might have power 
to resist their many temptations ! I pray Thee, 
look upon our wrong doings with mercy and pity. 

Twelfth month 31st . — This is, indeed, the last 
day of the closing year, and when I reflect upon 
the events that have happened, and the many that 
still lie hidden in the distant future, it makes me 
more thoughtful. Very thankful am I that the 
close of the present year will be memorable in the 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


65 


annals of history, as the epoch in which the stain 
of slavery — the guilt of human bondage — was ob- 
literated from our great nation : — 

“ Good-bye, strange year, so fierce and yet so tender,— 
So hot with battle and so blind with tears ; 

To-day is thine, — to-night the Almighty Lender 
Resumes thee back into the timeless years, — 

Good-bye.” 


First month 1st , 1866 . — As I stand upon the 
threshold of a new year, what feelings of gladness 
and thankfulness thrill my heart when I consider 
that peace, blessed peace, has again been restored 
to our land, and, as an accompaniment to this 
blessing, the declaration that slavery is forever 
dead in the United States, — that we are now a 
free people ! 

Second month 4-th . — After meeting closed, John 
J. Cornell came and spoke to me for the last time 
for this visit, bade me farewell and promised to 
write when or after he got home. I also parted 
with Judith, hoping that not many years might 
elapse ere we meet these loved ones again : certain 
I am that this visit or his words will not be soon 


6 


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forgotten. Yet, so uncertain is life, we may never 
meet again in this world, for little do we know 
what the morrow may bring forth : the present is 
truly all we possess of time, — oh, that we may 
improve it as a precious gift ! 

Second month 20th . — I think I never woke to 
a more lovely morning at this time of the year : 
the sky has been clear and beautiful all day. It 
lightens my feelings, and my heart shouts for joy 
when I behold such unmistakable evidence of God s 
goodness and love for His children. John J. Cor- 
nell said, we might think we appreciated our many 
mercies, but if we knew not of serving the bounti- 
ful Giver, if we were not willing to do all things for 
His sake, we could not feel sufficiently thankful. 

Why is it that I cannot see clearer? why should 
my vision be veiled in such thick, heavy clouds? 
Oh, that I may sometime feel and know them to 
be cleared away; but I am almost discouraged, 
and would be quite, did I not know that there is 
One mighty to save. I have many feelings that 
I long to write here, but do not, as I would keep 
them secret, and this book is often seen. 

Third month 1st . — How glad I am that Spring 
has come! I enjoy all seasons, — all have their pe- 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


67 


culiar beauty to my ever-wondering gaze, — but 
with particular longing do I bail the coming of 
Spring and Summer. Glory be to God, the boun- 
tiful giver of our blessings ! 

“ But oh ! eternity ’s too short 
To utter all Thy praise.” 

Third month 25th . — My twenty-first birth-day. 
I have tried to be dignified, as becomes my age, 
but dignity is not one of my acquirements, and I 
cannot command it, especially when a person as 
lively as Cousin William is around, and continu- 
ally upsetting it. When I look back and think of 
the many changes, I wonder where or how twen- 
ty-one years may find me; but I cannot raise the 
curtain and look into the depths beyond, so will 
try to be content with the future as time reveals it. 

i 

Fifth month 1st . — It would seem to me almost 
a miracle if I could be cured. For years I have 
clung to the hope, but lately I have given it up, 
and endeavor not to disturb my usual calmness 
under the affliction by vain hopes and anticipa- 
tions. If I have sometimes murmured, the thought 
has soon followed that I have been dealt with all 
too well, — far better than I ever deserved, — while 
others labor under much more severe afflictions, 


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and have not the comforts of life which I possess, 
nor such kind friends. 

Fifth month 15th . — It has been a lovely day : 
how thankful should we be to the great Giver ! 
Everything without speaks, in language too plain 
to be mistaken, of His omnipotent goodness : trees, 
plants, and shrubs are clothed in an exquisite 
beauty of bright green leaves, and several kinds 
of flowers have peeped forth to tell us of the gen- 
tle spring-time ; many kinds of fruit-trees are also 
heavily laden with fragrant blossoms, — -joyfully 
promising a good time coming : I am almost im- 
patient now as I think of the delightful fruit borne 
on those trees. The little birds are filled with 
melody, seemingly partaking of, and surely in- 
creasing with their sweet notes, the general joy. 
Before sitting down to sew, this afternoon, I placed 
a flowering anemone in front of me : it is perfectly 
lovely, — the little delicate pink flowers peeping 
out from the green leaves. This same plant has 
bloomed every spring-time since I can remember, 
and I have been wondering this afternoon if it 
was placed there by my mother’s hands. How 
often does the thought of that dear mother come 
up before me, and frequently I wish that we had 
some picture to tell us, plainer than we can re- 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


69 


member how she looked. Some people say that 
all pictures are foolishness, but I think they are 
far from it. I have a photograph album, and I 
feel pleasure in turning over its leaves and think- 
ing of the many dear ones whose features are there 
portrayed. 

Seventh month 10th . — Binsed the clothes this 
morning, and I have done almost all the ironing 
this afternoon. We all work very hard; but I 
have been very well this summer, and hope I may 
continue so. I spoke to father and mother last 
First-day evening about going to Dr. Mann’s, in 
New York city, or at least of first going to see 
A — M — , whom we heard had been there and 
was cured : I wish to see her, hear what she has 
to say about it, and know if she would advise me 
to go. I said nothing about it to them before, as 
I knew I could not go this summer, and I wished 
to consider it thoroughly before I spoke of it. I 
am young now, and very strong considering the 
disease I have labored under nearly all my life; 
if it could be eradicated I should be very glad, 
and feel it right to make the trial. 

Tenth month 27th . — Attended meeting. Daniel 
H. Griffin spoke at length, mostly on the words of 


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the inspired penman: “He that believeth and is 
baptized shall be saved,” — he that believeth that 
God is in all and over all, a just and righteous 
judge, and is baptized, not with an outward or 
elementary baptism, but with fire and the Holy 
Ghost, shall be saved. Touchingly did he speak 
of the dark life without this belief and this bap- 
tism, — that, even if all earthly enjoyments were 
ours, there would be at times a heavy, sad feeling, 
a longing for purer, better things. Would that 
I were one of Thine, 0 Father ! The wisdom of 
God is righteous altogether. 

Eleventh month 3rd . — Nettie is to go to school 
at Oswego Village, Dutchess county. I tried to 
coax our folks to let me go also, as I have never 
been satisfied with the education I have, and I do 
wish to go very much ; but I shall try to look on 
“the sunny side of life,” and get along as well as 
possible. I know at times it will be hard, and I 
shall feel very lonesome and desolate without the 
company and gentle words of my darling sister; 
but I have many things to comfort me, and these 
I must think of in times of deepest trial. 

Twelfth month 2nd . — I miss very much my sis- 
ter's gentle presence and loving arm, ever ready to 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


71 


support me. We were almost always together, and 
she seemed nearly a part of myself; but patience, 
they say, worketh miracles, and I will try to com- 
mand a small share, trusting in due time we shall 
meet again : she has four months more to stay, and 
to look thus far ahead, seems a long time. 

Hallock’s Mills, Twelfth month 10th. 

My own darling Cousin : — “Life without love 
is a cheerless strife, and true love is rarely given.” 
These words were, perhaps, spoken or written by 
affianced lovers, but are they not appropriate? — 
making no difference what we are to each other. 
It is love the same, and true love, which neither 
time nor distance, prosperity nor adversity, can 
change. Yes, dear cousin, though distance may 
separate the body, it cannot the mind. Often do 
thy face and form visit me in imagination, and as 
often the time of our parting comes vividly before 
me, and I wonder when, if ever, we shall meet 
again. 

Thy kind letter was received in due season, and 
I assure thee it was hailed with pleasure, and its 
contents eagerly perused : we were glad to hear 
that thou feels a little better. Dear cousin, the 
hope I have ever had of being cured is about 
gone, and I shall be for life thy poor, crippled, 


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deformed, dependent relation; but I will be a true 
and loving one; and though I may be deprived of 
some things, yet hope I may be truly thankful for 
the many blessings so constantly showered on me. 


— :o:— 


Second month 3rd , 1867 . — Writing to her sis- 
ter EL, after speaking of the death of a cousin, 
she says: — How hard to realize that this must be 
the end of all earthly existence ! and how strange 
that we, knowing this so fully, should still, after 
repeated warnings, place our minds, our affections, 
our vain imaginations, on things which fleeting 
time will so soon take away. Oh, that we might 
come to our true senses, that we might place our 
hearts on that eternal Rock, which shall never 
pass away ! 0 Lord, I pray Thee, help us poor, 
weak, irresolute beings; diffuse through us Thy 
holy spirit, Thy unbounded, never-failing love ! 

Second month 8th . — Cousin Mamie Horton has 
yielded up her short life , — “ dust to dust,” — yes, 
in youth’s bright sunny days ; but if thy name, 
dear cousin, be written in “ the Lamb’s book of 
life,” it is well with thee, and thou shalt inherit, 
as is promised, “a crown of life.” 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


73 


Second month 17th . — 0 sister, I have ardently 
wished that I might live a higher, purer life, and 
I wish it tenfold more now, after witnessing the 
resigned, peaceful state of my Uncle D — ’s mind. 
Truly all seems peace, — nothing disturbs, nothing 
mars it; outward things could scarce penetrate 
its deep, hidden folds. 0 sister, if I could but be 
a Christian, — a true inward, living Christian; but 
ah, the world ! it intoxicates, it crazes, the brain ! 
I feel that I could give up all that is required, 
but it is not a lasting feeling, — at least, there is 
not enough depth to it; and there is so much out- 
ward continually drawing the mind from where it 
should be ! It is truly dreadful, when I solemnly 
realize it, to think of living thus, when all might 
be swept away in a moment ! Shall I ever be able 
to say: — 

“Yet am I not at all dismayed, 

But vow to do the whole ; 

I know on whom all help is laid, 

And He ’s redeemed my soul ” ? 

Third month 10th . — Dear Lida ! are we never 
again to see her gentle, loving face ? No ; for the 
last time we have seen thee lying in the coffin, 
with such a calm, tranquil expression resting on 
those white and pure features, and now they are 
consigned to the tomb. Dear little Willie, — may 


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he meet his angel-mother in heaven, and Jesse be 
resigned, hard as it seems, to the Lord's will. 

I have heard able men, — men whom I deeply- 
loved, respected, and admired, and longed to be 
like, but never heard any one that so touched my 
inmost feelings as Abel Hull has, to-day, at Lida's 
funeral. Well do I know, as he said, that it must 
be a humble, broken, contrite spirit to be taught 
of God : we must in earnest, heart-felt prayer be- 
seech Him to feed us with “the sincere milk of 
the Word;” for nothing, worse than nothing, does 
living avail, if we win not Christ, — but, if the re- 
verse, oh, what a glorious eternity! Yet at times 
I almost despair of reaching this blessed haven; 
my heart is so far from what it should be ; yet I 
know, if I do not, there will only be myself to 
blame. Such a death-bed as dear Lida's, — is it 
not glorious thus to triumph over death, hell, and 
the grave? 

Third month 17th . — I hope to spend a week 
from to-night in the long-looked for company of 
my darling sister : I wonder if it will really seem 
natural, she has been gone so long. What is life 
at best, but a continually changing scene, — a few 
short, fleeting years ; that is, as to the outward : 
what is there really worth craving for, but this 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


75 


more enduring substance, this far exceeding and 
eternal weight of glory? But this work of the 
heart is a great work : how thoroughly it must 
be cleansed before it is acceptable in the Divine 
sight. Very earnestly, during the past week, I 
have asked Him, who is in all and through all, to 
help me in this work; for well do I know that of 
myself I can do nothing, and have faith to believe 
that, as long as I put my trust in Him, He will 
not forsake me. But the flesh is weak, and I 
tremble lest I should fall back. 

Am I low enough in spirit yet, to ask rightly? 
I greatly fear not. 0 Lord, wilt Thou help me to 
be humble, — help me to put unwavering faith in 
Thee ! for pride and the world I find yet greatly 
unsubdued in me; and Thou alone can fill my 
heart with pure and fervent breathings for inward 
life! Oh, make me tremble before Thee! cause 
my soul to feel true repentance in Thy sight! 

Third month %2nd . — When I think that Nettie 
will be home to-morrow, my heart throbs ; and I 
hardly dare to think much, so uncertain are hu- 
man calculations. Just think what we were doing 
twenty weeks ago to-night, and what a hurry she 
got ready in, — how I felt after she left, and how 
much better I have got along than I expected ! 


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Third month 31st . — At the close of the meet- 
ing, Daniel H. Griffin offered a prayer unto the 
Throne of Grace, I trust encouraging to our spir- 
itual growth : I am at times under close exercise, 
but do not feel at liberty to express the same. I 
pray the all-wise God to be ever with me, and 
keep me from what I so much fear, — falling back. 

Fourth month 11th . — Yesterday I was troubled 
by the fear that my faith was not strong enough, 
as I dread the consequences of such religion. Life 
itself seems a mystery, — it is so wonderful : things 
that we see, feel, taste, and know by our senses, 
we cannot understand. The air we breathe, the 
food we eat, the ground we walk on, is all a mys- 
tery to us; and I have faith to believe there is a 
gracious God, the author and finisher of all this. 

0 Father, I pray Thee increase my faith, also my 
love for Thee; for this I do sincerely desire, far 
above all earthly good: truly earthly happiness 
and all the glory this vain world can give, is noth- 
ing compared with Thy smile. 

Fourth month llfth . — Attended meeting with, 

1 trust, some encouragement. While sitting there- 
in, I was revolving in my mind somewhat of the 
situation of my poor soul, and praying that I might 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


77 


know of my sins being forgiven, when a sweet feel- 
ing covered my mind and, I thought, an assurance 
that it would all be right in time, if I kept faith- 
fully on my way. I have mourned many times 
because my sins troubled me too little, and won- 
der if I am really sincere; but I do know I feel 
different, and am sure that pride — my great sin — 
through many prayers and tears, and the good- 
ness of a gracious Father, is in part conquered; 
but, oh ! I pray to be kept continually watching 
against temptation, and earnestly hope that my 
faith in and love for God may greatly increase, as 
it is not what I feel it ought to be, — no, far from 
it; He is truly all love and goodness. 

Fourth month 27th . — My mind of late has been 
much drawn from the true centre, — what a poor, 
sinful creature I am. 

Fifth month 5th . — Attended meeting; but, oh! 
I cannot express my feelings this afternoon : I fear 
I am on the brink of discouragement; shall I ever 
come to the saving knowledge of Jesus Christ? 
my thoughts are so mixed and confused. I have 
been reading the Journal of John Comly, where 
he says: — “The dedicated mind learns to know 
and distinguish between the Divine voice or reve- 


78 


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lation, and every resemblance of it that may arise 
in the imagination. A separation is made between 
the motions or movings of the Spirit and the no- 
tions of the creature.” So my mind is not a truly 
dedicated one, and this is the reason why I am in 
so much doubt and discouragement. I pray God 
that He may bring me out of all doubt, and place 
me on firm ground. I long to be more devoted, 
that all the energies of my soul and body might 
be given to His glorious cause. 

Fifth month 27th . — Attended Yearly Meeting: 
I walked all the way from Cousin Egbert Macey’s 
to Hamilton Ferry, and enjoyed the crossing very 
much. The scene was beautiful; then we walked 
a little way and took the stage, and I enjoyed the 
ride through Broadway : it caused me to think of 
the last part of the poem on “Flora McFlimsey.” 
The soldiers were out training, and we stopped 
once or twice to let them pass. It would be called 
a grand sight, — I never saw such before, — but it 
made me feel sad. I thought what sad hearts 
there might be under some of those bright uni- 
forms, and though I am very thankful we have no 
war now, yet the very thoughts of it are shock- 
ing. We saw a fire company going to a fire, and 
many other things I had heard of, among the rest 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


79 


the foot-bridge over Broadway. At the end of 
the ride we had a short walk to reach Fifteenth 
street Meeting-house, — it is very large. 

I am writing in the meeting-house by one of 
the far windows. Bachel Tilton spoke to me after 
meeting, and said it did her good to see me here; 
that she thought we had been favored with spir- 
itual food; that I was one of the Lords chosen 
ones, and that I felt it to be so. It made me sad 
to hear her talk thus, but I could say nothing. 
If she knew my feelings, she would think differ- 
ently, — would that I had a good opportunity to 
tell her, for I cannot bear to be so misjudged; but 
words would scarce express my feelings. I must 
compose myself, or people will notice me and think 
I have, what I am so far from possessing, an all- 
absorbing love, pure faith, and an indwelling re- 
conciliation with my Creator. There is so much 
deception, so much hypocrisy in the world, that 
it confuses me. I hear professing Christians — 
official members of Society — talk about people not 
dressing plain, and of not being consistent, who, 
I have reason to think, take more pride in their 
dress than those whom they talk of. I believe in 
plainness, but like to see other things correspond; 
and well know that there is a perversion of the 
principle, but that does not make it the less pure. 


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The great Judge looketh at the heart: instead 
of looking at others, may I seek to become pure, 
by listening to the teachings of that Spirit who 
alone can make me so. Oh, may I listen in quiet- 
ness to its teachings, — may I feel, in reverential 
awe, the greatness of the care of such a Being ! 
But I am too outward, too insincere, — I am sure 
it is so; I do not feel as I could wish toward my 
heavenly Father, who cares for me, and the pres- 
ent moment is alone mine; still I am looking for 
better things at some future time, instead of being 
sufficiently concerned now, — what can I do? 

Spoke to Mary Haines after meeting, and thanked 
her for their pictures ; she also spoke to me some- 
thing in the same style as Bachel Tilton : she is a 
lovely woman, I think. Went with Louisa Miller 
to the basement of the men’s meeting-house to get 
dinner, which was of very good, substantial food. 

Fourth-day morn . — Rachel Hicks spoke beau- 
tifully yesterday afternoon. She said, the ques- 
tion often arose with many why these natural de- 
sires and propensities were placed within us, that 
it was necessary and took so much labor to over- 
come ; and further, that she had not the least doubt 
but a gracious and all-wise God had done this for 
a great and good purpose ; that as labor was good 
and necessary for the health and growth of our 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


81 


animal bodies, so it was with the spiritual. This 
has been a great question with me, and, as I see 
the faith in others and that their sight is so plain, 
I trust the cloud may be removed from my eyes; 
but I cannot see now. True, I believe that sal- 
vation may be obtained by all; but, from our be- 
lief that true religion is simple, and that the heart 
must be enlisted before there is any reality, from 
what we see and hear around us every day, we 
have reason to believe it is obtained only by few 
in comparison with those that take the broad road; 
for the Scriptures declare, that the way that leads 
to life is narrow. Now, why should this be so? 
It seems so much easier to be worldly than relig- 
ious, — I mean, that this influence is so unbounded. 
But I am not doing right to feel so, I am sure: 
for what right have I, poor worm that I am, to 
question the work of an Almighty God ? I must 
not allow myself to be bewildered by such ques- 
tions : I am sure I do not wish to, but the evil 
one, or something, presents them to me. I do not 
wish to deceive myself, and think that I have pure 
faith, love, and all this, when I am almost sure I 
have them not. It is truly dreadful to write this, 
but I do so long to possess them; and, as God is 
good, and is all love, I hope I shall enjoy them, if 
I am only preserved in patience. 


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There has been much exercise felt all through 
the meeting for the young people, that they might 
claim the Lord for their leader and come forth in 
His most holy cause. Eachel Hicks, Ann Town- 
send, and Deborah Wharton spoke feelingly about 
it, and Phebe W. Foulke prayed so earnestly at 
the close of the meeting that we might be enabled 
to let our light shine before men, that my spirit 
could respond to her feelings. I think I never 
felt more reverence and awe during a time of holy 
prayer, — never felt more fully our littleness and 
God’s greatness. 

Fifth day . — I purchased a book for children, 
“ Conversations on the Queries;” I think such 
books should be in Friends’ families more than 
they are. Children are urged not to read perni- 
cious books, but, of course, they must read some- 
thing inviting to the childish mind; this one is 
very interesting to me. After meeting adjourned, 
I went up and bade Mary Haines farewell. She 
wished me to be a good girl ; I told her I would 
try, but felt the discouragements many; she said, 
she had felt it to be so, but urged me to press on, 
and she had faith to believe I would receive a re- 
ward, and felt sure God was ever near, endeav- 
oring to win me to Himself, perhaps when I was 
least aware of it. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


83 


New York Meeting-House, 

Fifth month 29th, 1867. 

Libbie dear . — It is now Fourth-day afternoon : 
I have left my friends to be by myself, and, by 
the way, add a little to my letter. The mingled 
sound of numerous voices shall not disturb my 
quiet; oh, Libbie, if I could experience more 
quiet, — quiet of soul! Eachel Tilton spoke so 
beautifully of what a solemn thing it is to live; 
and oh, that this realization was more a daily 
and hourly experience ! I long to live closer to 
my God, and often wonder if all have such strug- 
gles between the flesh and the* spirit as I have. 
The natural desires are very strong, and it seems 
so hard to keep on the watch ; but without this 
hope it would be a bitter thing to live ; so I try 
to struggle on, or my Lord sweetly leads me on; 
but I go forward with many a weak and faltering 
step, and often, very often, am I ready to say, 
Shall I ever be established in the blessed Truth? 
My soul so longs to be freed from the dominion of 
earthly powers, but, darling, I feel that I am very 
far from it. Yet there is very much to encourage 
us, — then let us not falter. 

The First-day School Association is to meet 
this evening. I do want to stay so much, but 
father does not seem to think it best; I almost 


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trust some way may be made, — I suppose it will, 
if it is best. 

My dear, it is sweet to think our Father’s pres- 
ence is not confined to meetings, or large assem- 
blings, but in our quiet rooms He is just as pre- 
cious as here with the multitude; how it depends 
on us! Even here, at times, while gathered in 
such a precious, solemn manner, my mind has 
been shrouded in coldness and much deadness. 
Oh, what a trial ! and I fear it is caused by un- 
faithfulness, but we cannot expect the crown un- 
less we labor. 

Fourth-day afternoon the Indian Report was 
read, and was very interesting. The meeting 
was much enjoyed, though not as much as the 
one next morning, which was truly a season of 
deep feeling for me, and of much encouragement; 
tears come to my eyes now, as I remember it, 
with heart-felt thankfulness. 0 Libbie, if thou 
could have been there, and enjoyed it with me! 
but let us trust that, in some way, it was all for 
the best. Elizabeth Comfort, who had been silent 
before, spoke at length and beautifully; Phebe W. 
Foulke, Wealthy Russell, and others very feel- 
ingly, and Catharine Foulke was very much af- 
fected as she urged us to faithfulness, and spoke 
of an incident in her life which was deeply touch- 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


85 


ing. Then two of the Epistles were read, which 
added much to my enjoyment,- they were so excel- 
lent; the others read in the afternoon were also 
very good, — I think I never heard better. 

The close of the meeting was very solemn; it 
truly seemed mantled with a precious and holy 
covering, even our Father’s spirit. How beauti- 
ful and precious the thought that Christ is ever 
near to uphold and strengthen His devoted fol- 
lowers; that, even though we pass through many 
trials, if we trust in Him, He will enable us to 
overcome the world, as He has overcome; but 
those who have no hope in Christ, to whom can 
they look for help? 

I had a letter from Charlie Briggs the week be- 
fore last, which did me much good. He wrote he 
was very miserable, had not rode out but once in 
over a week, but says he tries to think it is all for 
the best, and not to grieve over his situation, but 
to look to Cod for support. I feel very thank- 
ful for this, and the expression of it: I was quite 
sure that he felt it before. Though I may never 
see my dear friend again on earth, may we meet 
in that land that needs not the light of the sun, 
nor the moon, for the Lord Cod and the Lamb 
are the light thereof. Clorious hope ! 

I attended the First-day School Association, 


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and father went too. When I asked him at noon 
he seemed willing. I was pleased, and enjoyed it 
very much : the meeting was very interesting. It 
was advised that some of the talent of New York 
Yearly Meeting should be turned to the subject 
of writing books suitable for children: if I was 
capable, how I should like to help in this much 
needed labor. There are some beautiful little 
books now, and I think we should try to get such 
for our little ones as teach the Truth in its sim- 
plicity, but I wish that our Yearly Meeting could 
help in this work. There is one thing that trou- 
bles me much, and that is, our young people, with 
hardly an exception or but very few, do not show 
the simplicity — that word suits me better than 
plainness — in their dress that the times and the 
Christian religion so loudly call for. Time, that 
should be precious, is thus wasted : it is sad, very 
sad to me. But plainly do I see deficiencies in 
myself, and long to be a better example, — to be 
freed from the dominion of sin. 

Lovingly thine, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Sixth month 25th . — Attended meeting. Daniel 
H. Griffin spoke, and much I thought to my state 
and condition of mind, which I do not feel proper 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


87 


to describe here. Suffice it to say, that all as to 
the spiritual life seems in darkness, bewilderment, 
and wonder, and I often query with myself, Shall 
I ever be delivered from this condition? I am 
fearful of approaching my heavenly Father in 
prayer in a light trifling manner, as I question 
almost my own sincerity; for true, acceptable 
prayer requires a sacrifice of the whole heart, 
and this I long to give; but I am so blinded that 
I cannot see. Is it my own fault? it must be, for 
God is all love. 

Eighth month 11th . — On getting home, I found 
a letter from Almira Hull, also a small sheet en- 
closed from Abel. I will copy his here, but first 
what I wrote to him about three months ago: — 
Hallock’s Mills, Fifth month 12th , 1867. 

Cousin Abel. — While hearing thy testimony 
to Truth, as held forth in our meetings while thou 
was with us, I was led, as I have often been be- 
fore, earnestly to desire a purer inward spiritual 
life: how often have I craved the true saving 
knowledge of Jesus Christ! Especially since thou 
was with us have I prayed for this. All things 
earthly so soon savor of decay, are only the sub- 
jects of fickle time, that I long to have an inher- 
itance in that exceeding weight of glory that en- 


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dureth for ever. I said, I have prayed earnestly 
for this, and though I believe it is the heavenly 
Father's good pleasure to give us the kingdom, 
and know that true religion is pronounced by its 
followers to be a most simple thing, still at times 
I am so confused and unsettled in mind that I 
can scarce account for it, unless it is that I am 
not wholly dedicated. I believe it is this, but oh, 
shall I ever become so? Sometimes I am entirely 
carried away, and then I doubt whether I am 
really in earnest at all ; there seems to be a hold- 
ing back in my mind, my feelings are not intense 
enough ; I must die to the world before I can live 
in Christ. I must feel that the blood of Christ 
hath cleansed my sin; and how can I forward this 
work ? My repentance in grieving the Holy Spi- 
rit is not, I am sure, sincere enough to warrant 
forgiveness. With many prayers and tears have 
I asked for help, for strength, for firmness of pur- 
pose, that the spirit of the world might be cruci- 
fied in me; but “to will” is ever present with me. 
I was reading in John Comly's Journal the other 
day, where he says: “The dedicated mind learns 
to know and distinguish between the Divine voice 
or revelation, and every semblance of it that may 
arise in the imagination : a separation is made be- 
tween the motions or movings of the Spirit and 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


89 


the notions of the creature.” Even though he 
transforms himself as an angel of light, the dedi- 
cated mind can discern it. Yet the flesh is so 
weak, and the temptations and discouragements 
so many, that I greatly fear I shall never become 
what I so long to be; but I must lean entirely on 
His arm who alone can save. I thought perhaps 
thou could give me some encouragement, so, if it 
seems right, please answer soon. 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Eighth month 6th , 1867. 

Phebe M. Hallock: — 

Beloved young friend . — Since my Almira has 
opened the way a little, I will pen thee a few lines 
by way of reply to thy good letter of Fifth month 
last. It echoed the breathings of an honest, seek- 
ing heart, seeking the right way to the kingdom 
of peace, which is vouchsafed to every pilgrim that 
perseveres and holds out to the end. Eemember 
this, dear child ! It is the end, where the crown 
immortal is to be obtained. “ In the sweat of thy 
face shalt thou eat bread : ” so stands the record, 
and such is my experience. As my eyes traced 
the lines thou penned, describing thy feelings and 
thy yearnings, all that is capable of feeling with- 
in me was touched with desires that thou, and all 


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the family of man, when the fire of devotion is 
kindled upon your hearts by the Spirit and Breath 
of the Highest, may let it burn, until all that is 
of the earth (or, in other words, self and self-right- 
eousness — brains’ offering) be consumed. Then, 
and not till then, will old things pass away, and 
all things be to us as new. 

In describing thy own feelings and desires after 
spiritual knowledge, thou usest hypothetical lan- 
guage, but thy deductions so fully and clearly an- 
swer it all, that I pass on to give (as thou rather 
invitest it) some advice, namely : Go to the closet 
of thy heart (for Christ is there), and cast thy 
crown (earthly desires) at thy Saviour’s feet. He 
(blessed be His name ! ) will do what man or mor- 
tal cannot do for thee. Again, thou sayest : “At 
times I am so confused and unsettled in mind;” 
from experience I can testify, this is to keep the 
creature in its place, — a full and steady depend- 
ence upon Divine aid. We should bear in mind 
that this is a state of probation, and trials (the 
Cross) are necessary for our purification. Not a 
just man made perfect whose breast has not been 
wrung with anguish, nor an angel in heaven who 
has not wept scalding tears; therefore, as Christ 
suffered, let us be willing also to suffer. So say- 
eth and prayeth thy friend, Abel A. Hull. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


91 


Ninth month %th . — We attended meeting, and 
I must say it was a good meeting to me. Time 
after time is my heart filled full to overflowing, 
and I say, God is good, so good to me, why does 
He not leave my often very rebellious heart to its 
wanderings, instead of continually reminding me 
of Himself? It is said that He is all love, and I 
trust I am experiencing it, though there is much 
to bewilder, and I have labored long under this 
troubling influence that is of vain reasoning and 
whisperings of the tempter. Is He goodness suf- 
ficient to forgive it all? 

Ninth month 9th . — I commenced reading Jan- 
ney’s History of Friends. 

Ninth month 13th . — We all attended Monthly 
Meeting. After meeting, Amy W. Griffin asked 
me if I did not feel like being the Preparative 
Meeting Clerk. I expected it and had thought 
about it much, but had come to no conclusion; so 
I told her I could not say that I did. She seemed 
kind, and did not urge it upon me, but told me to 
think of it. It hardly seems that it can -be right 
for me to take an active part in the Society, as I 
consider the state of my mind and what it has 
been so long. We, as a body, profess to be led 


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and guided by the unerring Spirit of Truth, which 
can lead and guide into all truth, but it is fearful 
to think how far we come short of it, and how 
many occupy high positions in the Society with 
which their life and conversation does not accord. 
I fear that I hardly know the A B C of religion, — 
pure, true religion, — my heart is so evil, my imag- 
inations so bewildering. True, I crave it earnestly 
and deeply, and at times think I am making a lit- 
tle progress, but I fear it is really little, if any. 

Ninth month 19th . — Last First-day I told Amy 
that I had thought about the position a good deal, 
and felt that I could not possibly take it at pres- 
ent; she said she would not urge it upon me. I 
feel that I cannot do what seems so very wrong; 
it seems to me the same as making a public profes- 
sion, and I despise anything hypocritical. I know 
it is customary for young birth-right members to 
be urged to take a part in the business meetings, 
but until I feel this unerring Spirit in a measure 
as my guide, I think it would be wrong. Within 
the few weeks past I have felt deeply what a high 
and holy profession our Society is making before 
the world, and so many seem anxious to build up 
the forms and keep up the outward appearance, 
while we have reason to believe the one thing 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


93 


really needful, the indwelling Spirit, is sadly neg- 
lected. I think it was George Fox who told Wil- 
liam Penn, when he wished to join the Society, 
that our religion was the hardest in the world. 
Yes, it must be the hardest in one sense, but when 
really and truly experienced, how easy, how wholly 
pure and true, it must be ! Oh, how I long to be 
its possessor; but so many things have troubled 
me, as almost to' make me doubt the goodness of 
God. /This was really terrible, but how could I 
help it? At times I feel that He is very good to 
me, but when I look around and see so many liv- 
ing without God in the world, I wonder why He 
“ ever suffered sin to rise” ? why death-bed agonies 
are ever experienced without His presence? why 
it is not so easy to be good as to be wicked? why 
passions are placed within us that will wholly over- 
come us? Surely it is not our wish, — we did not 
ordain it. At times such questions will arise with 
overpowering weight : not so much lately, since I 
have tried so hard to trust, though I cannot see, 
and to have faith that, if I persevere, our God will 
make it plain. Yesterday, while sitting in meet- 
ing, it seemed to me that God must be all good- 
ness and love, else why should His subjects be so? 
Like begets like, and bad does not beget good; for 
truly righteous people, as far as they follow Christ, 


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are they not the personification of all that is gen- 
tle, merciful, lovable, and good? Yes, God must 
be good; how joyful it made me feel. I knew it 
must be so, but I desired to feel it. This seems 
really strange for me to write; but I have strange 
feelings, and often wonder if any one else ever felt 
thus. It is hard work — almost impossible — to ex- 
press in words what I wish to write here. 

Tenth month 20th . — Attended meeting. Daniel, 
Henry, and Jesse preached. The first two seemed 
almost to speak to my state ; I was much affected, 
but how I lack the all-absorbing love which is ne- 
cessary for a Christian ! I fear I am almost yield- 
ing to discouragement. I would that I could say 
from my heart, I am nothing, but Thou art all. 
Infinite purity, everlasting goodness ! ! 

Tenth month 22d . — I have thought some of J. 
Hallocks description of worship on First-day, and 
how, almost if not quite unconsciously, many of 
us are worshipping the world and the things of it 
instead of God, in more ways than one. I have 
often felt that it was my duty to wait upon God, 
to “be still” as if in His holy presence, more than 
I do. Surely, I am always in His presence; but 
in silence, in quiet waiting, I feel it much more. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


95 


Many little things hindered me much of the time 
past; meetings were almost the only solemn, pray- 
erful, waiting seasons that I have had, and per- 
haps I have called those seasons by too high a 
name, but I know they are deeply affecting ones 
to me. Truly I think I am worshipping the world 
instead of God, — dreadful thought! 

Eleventh month 19th . — Father finished reading 
Ann Byrd. I think it an excellent book, and trust 
I have received some encouragement and instruc- 
tion. Oh, for a true faith in and love for God as 
pure as hers ! but I suffer much discouragement. 
Much I do not write here for fear of laying it in 
the paths of others. 

Twelfth month 4-th. — Father, mother, and I at- 
tended meeting. As Anne Purdy was not there, 
Aunt wished to know if I would not officiate as 
clerk. I told her I did not wish to be obstinate 
about it, and would not refuse under the circum- 
stances. After meeting was out, Hannah said I 
must not say a word against it, and that I would 
make a good clerk, &c. I said I thought some- 
thing more was needed than just the ability to 
read, to which she did not reply. I would like 
to be very sure that I feel rightly concerning this 


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great subject: I want to respect the wishes of my 
friends; but they do not know all, and I think I 
am right about it. I have felt very thankful that 
I was free from any position in the Society at times, 
when my feelings, my better judgment, have been 
so nearly overwhelmed with doubtings and dis- 
couragements. I hope that, instead of dishonor- 
ing a society whose principles I love, I may some 
day feel that, as was felt formerly, my foundation 
is the Everlasting Rock; but my faith is faint, 
and I am not quite sure but it grows fainter and 
weaker week after week. I hope not, but I seem 
to be so completely outward, and so little inwardly 
concerned. 

Twelfth month 22d . — I think I have not missed 
attending every meeting for over six months be- 
fore. Considering the many advantages and bless- 
ings I am the recipient of, how strange that my 
mind still remains in this dark, unsettled state! 
They have preaching down at Van Houten’s this 
afternoon. There is one thing that seems strange 
to me among professors of Christianity, that is, 
such an unsocial feeling. We certainly allow that, 
if the religion is of the heart, there are Christians 
in all societies, and do we think that all were in- 
tended to, or should, be Quakers? There are so 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


97 


many different stages of religious experience, and 
people look at religious matters from so many dif- 
ferent standpoints, but this sectional society feel- 
ing I fear, in too many instances, has a tendency 
to scatter instead of gather, I admire and love 
the principle of a free Gospel ministry, and there 
is something joyful in the thought that God is able 
to teach His people Himself, but I must be liberal 
and charitable in my feelings toward other soci- 
eties. 

:o: 


First month 1st , 1868 . — Yes, to-day, we stand 
upon the threshold of a New Year. I have been 
deeply impressed as I have wondered what of good 
or ill lies buried in its bosom for me. Oh, that, 
while standing within its portals, the scales might 
be removed from my eyes, though they may be 
of my own putting on; it must in a measure be 
so, poor, miserable being that I am! I thought 
this morning, would that I might keep its leaves 
pure and unblotted; and then thought that every 
day, hour, and minute was, as it came, a new one 
to me, and how necessary that I should strive 
more and more to keep them unstained by sinful 
deeds. I was reading yesterday morning the for- 
tieth chapter of Isaiah, and found the last verse 

7 


98 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


particularly instructive; I think never before was 
this verse presented to me with such force: — 
“But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew 
their strength : they shall run and not be weary ; 
and they shall walk, and not faint.” Oh, how we 
suffer for want of this renewal ! this spirit of wait- 
ing and watching, — at least I do. A week ago 
to-day, while in meeting, I was thinking over my 
deplorable condition, and longing earnestly for a 
feeling of love toward my heavenly Father ; dark- 
ness so prevailed within me, that it seemed extin- 
guished : and what so necessary to lead us on as 
love? without it, what a miserable blank and fail- 
ure are our lives ? After meeting I thought I felt 
a little more light, but I am so unfaithful; who 
can strengthen me but Christ, and do I doubt His 
all-sufficiency? 

I fixed the new Almanac and hung it up this 
evening, and father has been reading to us “ The 
Life of Lincoln,” a very interesting book. If our 
American people would acquaint themselves with 
the lives and characters of such truly great men 
as he, I think it would be better than much of the 
light reading that is afloat, which has a tendency 
to draw our minds away, rather than centre them 
to the stern realities and duties of life, for it is no 
fairy dream. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


99 


First month 6th . — Mother went down to Gerow’s 
this morning, and told me that the doctor informed 
Melissa’s mother he thought Melissa was running 
right down with hasty consumption. I wrote to 
Melissa a short time ago, and told her she must 
be very careful, for life at best was but a slender 
thread ; but I little thought of this so soon, though 
I knew she had a slender constitution. My love 
for her is no varying shadow; and this afternoon, 
when the first burst of grief at such a sad pros- 
pect had passed over, I went down to see her. 

Second month 6th . — Uncle Gilbert’s people de- 
sired me to go home with them very much, but I 
could not think of such a thing, for a moment, on 
Melissa’s account. How thankful should I be for 
my strength and health, and strive to live every 
day to my God; but I do not, as I should. Spirit- 
ually I am very miserable, — 0 Lord, pity me, who 
am so unworthy ! 

Second month 28th . — I am sitting with Melissa; 
it is late in the evening, and all the rest have re- 
tired. I have finished reading to her the book, 
Memoir of Mary E. North. She has seemed much 
interested, and I trust it has been instructive to 
both of us. Father came down for me to-night, 


100 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


but she wished me to stay, and it is a real plea- 
sure for me to do for her while she is with us. 
She told me this afternoon that Mr. Hoyt, the 
minister from Katonah, came to see her yester- 
day: he was yisiting at V — H — -’s, and came in 
alone. She said she could sit and hear him talk 
all day, he talked so attractively ; her mother told 
me that she asked him to pray, which he did, and 
she desired him to come again. Dear child, I can 
but think that when the time of dissolution comes 
she will enter into rest. 

There is so much that puzzles me concerning 
religion. I try not to think too much about that, 
— there is so much that seems quite plain, let me 
attend to that. How has it been with me to-day, 
let me ask myself, feeling that I am in the sight 
of God. I have not had enough silent communion 
with my Maker; I have felt too little of the seri- 
ousness of living; oh, help me, Father, to have a 
more thankful spirit, I pray Thee ! 

Third month 1st — My heart is sad and heavy 
this afternoon; it is hard work for me to be cheer- 
ful and keep a bright face, but this I wish to try 
and do, and also strive to keep the heart cheerful 
as well as the outside appearance. The first thing 
is to inquire into the cause, for I find my heart so 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


101 


prone to wickedness. Life is serious, — yes, a se- 
rious thing it is, indeed, to live, and it seems espe- 
cially so for me now, as I am striving to be a Chris- 
tian, and though I wish to be cheerful, I want to 
be fully impressed with its seriousness : I come so 
far short of doing my duty toward God and man. 

Dear Melissa sits right in front of me, looking 
so sweetly and, I think, she is so patient; I fear 
very much I should not be so. How I have de- 
sired, and particularly of late, that I might live 
and die a true Christian, so robbing death of its 
sting and the grave of its victory, and rendering 
my death-bed “soft as downy pillows are”; and 
this is the work of every moment. Does not the 
apostle say, “ Pray without ceasing” ? My heart 
almost jumps for joy as I think of the blessed priv- 
ileges of the gospel, and the glorious liberty of the 
children of God, and my heart is gladdened by the 
hope that, if I keep on striving and can only hold 
out to the end, I shall some day be in its full pos- 
session. Glorious hope ! instead of being heavy, 
my heart should fairly dance for joy. What a 
tendency it has to make one happy to do all in 
our power to render others so. Melissa seems fail- 
ing very fast. 

Third month 2d . — Daniel H. Griffin called to 


102 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


see Melissa, and desired her to look to that Power 
whom he felt to be his only source of strength at 
all times. I came home about noon after reading 
in the Bible for some time, and left her lying on 
the lounge; I went back in about two hours, and 
she desired me to stay, so I did. I found she was 
much weaker. She said to me, “ I am very weak.” 
“Yes,” I said, “and, my dear, if it is G-od’s will to 
take thee from us, art thou willing to go ? ” “Yes,” 
she said, “ I am willing, — very willing ; I hope to 
meet my dear Father in heaven, and I think I am 
prepared.” I told her, we should miss her very 
much. She said she knew we would, that we had 
spent many happy hours together; she wished we 
had a better picture of her, and wanted me to cut 
her hair off and save it. She said she wished that 
she was as good as I was; I told her I hoped she 
was much better, but she feared not. Why is it 
people think I am so good? Can it be possible 
that I am such a hypocrite? If they knew me 
as well as I know myself, they would not think so. 
I think my most particular sins and failings are 
not such as make me disagreeable to other people ; 
however, I know them, and pray to be kept hum- 
ble, and that I may not suffer any one to delude 
me into having an exalted opinion of myself. I 
can look into the heart, others cannot. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


103 


Jimmy came, and carried Melissa out; she soon 
^had a sinking turn, and we sent for mother. After 
Mrs. V — H — came, she had several sinking turns, 
and we thought she was dying and she thought so 
too, and said, “Oh, how bad I feel; can’t you help 
me ? ” But that was not for us ; it lay alone with 
Him who is all strength, and we felt sure that, in 
His own good time, He would help. She asked 
Mrs. V — H — to pray for her; and she did pray 
that our heavenly Father would be with us in that 
room of sickness and suffering, and that He would 
be with her to make light the dark valley of the 
shadow of death. 

Third month 3d . — She asked for the west win- 
dow-shade to be raised; it was the last time she 
ever looked at those hills, so often gazed upon from 
the windows of that loved home in days of health 
and happiness : yes, happiness, but not such as she 
then felt, for she had indeed sought and found the 
Saviour. I sat with her alone while the rest went 
to tea. She told Mary, in the forepart of the eve- 
ning, she thought her heart was not quite open 
yet; that is all she said of the kind. She lay 
there quite composed, and said many times: “I 
love Jesus! I am so happy! I feel so good; you 
don’t know how good I do feel!” She thanked 


104 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


me for my kind care of her, and said : “ Tell Net- 
tie, good-bye, and kiss her for me.” Mary Potter 
repeated those words: — 

“ Jesus can make a dying bed,” &c. 

She asked her to repeat them more than once, and 
said: “That is true. I love Jesus, and I feel so 
good; I love Jesus from the bottom of my heart. 
I know I am dying, for I feel so happy ! ” That 
death-bed was a glorious sight to see; it seems to 
me I never saw happiness so perfect. 

Fourth-day (the 4th ). — I almost wonder that I 
did not weep more during the last hours of our 
beloved one : but I was thinking of my own life. 
Can it be possible that I shall ever live so as to be 
prepared to meet her in heaven? I fear so much 
that I shall not. 

Third month 7th. — Melissa’s mother wished me 
to write an account of her last hours, and I have 
done it to-night. 

Third month 18th . — Daniel H. Griffin brought 
up a letter for us to read that he had received 
from John J. Cornell, — it was very interesting. 
And how much did I desire also to be numbered 
with the household of faith, being fully aware 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


105 


that it has the promise of the life that now is and 
of that which is to come; but I feel to-night that 
the path is indeed narrow. I am so beset with 
what David called “secret sins/’ and oft put up 
his prayer : “ Cleanse Thou me from secret faults.” 
I know I must not be discouraged, for in Thee 
alone is all strength. Help me to look wholly 
unto Thee. 

Fourth month 2d . — How much do I think of 
Melissa’s death and incidents connected with her 
illness. I trust it may be the means of great use- 
fulness to me. May I earnestly press forward. 

Fourth month 3d . — After finishing my work, I 
read in Mary E. Horth and also commenced the 
“ Blessedness of Internal Conversation with Christ,” 
by Thomas A’Kempis. I could heartily concur in 
the words of the Disciple: — “But my love is yet 
feeble, and my holy resolutions imperfect ! do Thou 
therefore visit me continually, and instruct me out 
of Thy laws. Deliver me from malignant passions 
and sensual desires; that, being healed and puri- 
fied, I may love with more ardor, suffer with more 
patience, and persevere with more constancy.” 
How beautifully does Christ speak of love, — its 
sweetness, strength, heigh th, depth, and breadth. 


106 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


I recognize my own in some of the Disciple’s feel- 
ings ; would that I could more especially feel the 
depth and earnestness. I fear so much that it is 
not enough a matter of the heart, and my faith is 
too weak to make progress. 

Fourth month 12th . — Daniel H. Griffin is dan- 
gerously ill, and much anxiety is felt concerning 
him. He is deeply loved by many, and I am happy 
to count myself among that number. 0 Lord, be 
pleased to spare Thy servant to us ! 

Fourth month 15th . — I heard something this 
morning which made me feel very sad. Attended 
meeting in sadness of heart and much concern for 
myself and friend, which caused me much weeping. 

Fourth month 26th . — Rachel Tilton has talked 
with me a good deal, trying to encourage me ; and 
when I told her how I longed to love God more, 
she repeated some lines, of which the following are 
a part : — 

“ But I mourn my stubborn will, 

Find my sin a grief and thrall ; 

Should I grieve for what I feel 
If I did not love at all ? ” 

She wished me to read the ninety-first Psalm, &c. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


107 


Fifth month 1st — Some things have appeared 
especially plain to me to-day, and it seems that if 
I seek not, and find not, the way of life, it must 
rest on my own head, as it will not be from ignor- 
ance. 

Fifth month 3rd . — Attended meeting. Daniel 
EL Griffin was there : it seemed good to see him in 
his accustomed place, and hear him deliver a living 
testimony to truth. How thankful I am that God 
has been pleased to spare him a little longer to his 
family and to us all. 

Fifth month 10th . — I have taken a walk before 
breakfast nearly every morning since the fourth. 
It is so nice to breathe the fresh morning air, to 
hear the birds sing and enjoy the glories of heaven 
when bursting and unfolding into day, — the quiet 
world not yet thronged with the constant tread of 
busy feet and ever- varying faces. Nature fairly 
sings in joyful praise to its great and wonderful 
Creator. 

Fifth month 31st . — This lovely morning I arose 
early and took a walk, and read several lessons 
from Nature’s open book. I went down to the 
dam, and while standing there and watching the 


108 


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beautiful waterfall, I enjoyed deeply the sublimity 
of the scene, and tbe beauties of early morn. In 
listening to tbe songs of tbe birds that, with an at- 
tentive ear, I could scarcely distinguish, I thought, 
so it is in life; so busy, constant, and noisy are the 
things of the earth, that we need to retire from 
this noise and bustle to hear plainly the still small 
voice which, in soft, clear accents, speaks to the in- 
ward spiritual life, — speaks to the very root and 
substance of this life, — Christ in the soul; and we 
need to listen earnestly and attentively. Again, I 
noticed an old tree that had been broken off some 
way up. As I examined it, I found perhaps more 
than half the body quite rotten, but not all, for it 
sent out many a little twig and beautiful green 
leaf; the root was vigorous. I thought, would that 
my life could be so settled in Christ, the great tree 
of life, that — although nearly torn asunder by the 
rude blasts and storms of earth — I, too, might send 
forth fruit comparable to the leaves, beautiful to 
behold. Then I walked on the banks of the pond, 
and deeply enjoyed the lovely scene, and returned 
home with the feeling that I had spent the time 
better than lying in bed. 

Sixth month 6th . — We should be careful, I think, 
not to place the Scriptures before the inward light, 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


109 


but as a guide to lead to it; for we are not under 
the law, but under grace. I think I have need 
for great care that my religion be not more out- 
ward than inward. I do long that it may not be 
so, but my disposition is much that way; that is, 
I think, the sole reason why I do not write more 
upon the subject here. I am so afraid I will write 
that which I do not feel, and even now I am sure 
I do this. What makes me so doubtful as to my 
own feelings ? am I really going forward or back- 
ward ? I do not know that the Lord is on my side 
as I would wish, but I must be faithful and perse- 
vering. Father in heaven, help me ! Thou alone 
knowest my many deficiencies ; Thou alone know- 
est how greatly I need Thee in my every-day walks 
in life, and how prone I am to do my own will and 
not Thine. I do not meditate enough on my own 
state and on Thee, 0 God; yet often, in the pleas- 
ant society of my friends, do I long to be alone, 
reading some good book or, in my imperfect way, 
communing with Thee, 0 Holy Father! 

Sixth month 13th . — I arose very early, read for 
some time, and sat in meditation and silent prayer. 
I could see the truths as recorded in the Scriptures 
concerning Jesus Christ more plainly with my spir- 
itual eyes than ever before. May I soon be ena- 


110 DIARY AND LETTERS OF 

bled by the all-powerful grace of God to say: “I 
believe.” 

Seventh month 19th . — Susie has read aloud in 
“ Catharine Seely;” it has been very interesting, 
and I hope I have learned some useful lessons. 
She has also read to us the Life of Hannah More ; 
I enjoyed it much. How it makes me feel almost 
or quite a hinderance, rather than a help, to the 
great cause of Truth; but well I know my mite 
will be just as acceptable if I am faithful. 

Eighth month 8th . — I received a long letter 
from J — J — B — to-night. He writes: “Thy 
very acceptable letter was read by me with feel- 
ings of thankfulness. May my future life show 
the gratitude I feel for the good I have received 
from thy letters, all of them;” and then, that he 
trusts it is not too late for him to run the race of 
a Christian, and hopes he may ever remain un- 
shaken, &c. How I rejoice to receive such a let- 
ter from him, — one so talented, that if he only 
walks in the straight and narrow path, his influ- 
ence must be great. Lord, I thank Thee for this 
great joy ! But can it be possible that I have ever 
written any thing to encourage him in making this 
choice? in my last I wrote about Melissa’s death. 


PHEBE M. IiilSH. 


Ill 


All good comes from Thee, 0 God ! we poor, weak 
mortals have nothing to boast of. May we submit 
all to Thy sovereign will. I pray sincerely that I 
may be kept humble; but what right have I to be 
otherwise, — I who am so sinful, and so often doing 
wrong? Let Thy light and grace so fill my heart 
as to place its impurities perfectly before my eyes ! 

Eighth month 12th . — This morning Mrs. Van 
Houton’s nephew invited us to a society-meeting 
there to-morrow. I called to-night, had a very 
pleasant visit, and endeavored to explain to them 
the reason of our not accepting the invitation to 
join in the business of their society (Methodist); 
that they believed in a hireling ministry, while 
our society had always borne a testimony against 
it, — we believing in a free gospel ministry. Such 
being the case, they could hardly expect us to help 
support it : that we believed there were Christians 
in all societies, that we could not all see alike, and 
should have charity for each other’s opinions. I 
had thought an explanation a duty for some time, 
and it seemed to be taken very kindly, for which 
I am thankful. 


Eighth month 24-th — 0 Lord, I long to love Thee 
more ! I can say, in the words of Thomas A’Kem- 


112 


DIAEY AND LETTEBS OF 


pis : “ Expand my heart with love, that I may feel 
its transforming power and may even be dissolved 
in its holy fire. Let my soul rejoice exceedingly 
in love, and lose itself in Thy praise. Let me love 
Thee more than myself; let me love myself only 
for Thy sake; and in Thee love all others, as that 
perfect law requireth ; which is a ray of the infi- 
nite love that shines in Thee.” 

Ninth month 6th . — Attended meeting. I read 
in the Bible this afternoon. I commenced some 
time ago to read it carefully, and have nearly fin- 
ished Genesis ; I make slow progress. Spent most 
of the evening in meditation and prayer, — oh, for 
more devotedness ! 

“ Prayer is the Christian’s vital breath, 

The Christian’s native air, 

His watchword at the gate of death ; 

He enters heaven by prayer.” 

Ninth month 12th . — Yesterday was Monthly 
Meeting; we attended the same. While in the 
business-meeting I reflected on my unworthiness 
to take part in the business of a Christian denom- 
ination making a profession so high as ours ; may 
I not disgrace the step I am about to take. It 
really seems to me at times that the very idea of 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


113 


my being clerk was disgracing it; but I am sure 
I should not feel right not to take the position, 
and I must strive more earnestly to live a life de- 
voted to the cause of Christ. Surely many of us 
think too little about the great responsibility of 
living. 

Ninth month 12th . — The other day I was talk- 
ing to Josie about “Wild Maggie,” a real charac- 
ter in “Hot Corn” (Susie has seen her), and she 
said : — 

“Phebe, she was as good as thee is after she 
was tamed, was n't she ? ” 

“Why, yes,” I said; “I expect she was better.” 

“Why, — how could she be any better?” 

Dear little Josie ! — does she really look at me 
in that light ? how very careful I should be about 
the influence I am exerting over her childish inno- 
cence. I ask Thee, my heavenly Father, to help 
me to keep constantly on my guard. Thou, 0 
God, can look into my inmost heart, and see much 
uncleanness; I earnestly seek Thy help in cleans- 
ing it, for I can do nothing without Thee. I en- 
deavored this morning to explain the meaning of 
prayer to Josie. 

Ninth month 13th . — Samuel Haines in meeting 


114 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


this morning spoke of creatnrely activity; he said 
we might read and talk of religion, but it was an- 
other thing to possess it. I have thought much 
of this ; and after being awakened by the preach- 
ing of Abel Hull, I felt that there must be a real- 
ity in it; and if there was, as he and others had 
declared, saying that they spoke of what they had 
seen and handled of the good Word of Life, it cer- 
tainly was in my power to possess it; and that I 
must be a possessor, and not a hearer only. My 
spiritual life has undergone various changes, and 
even now I feel as though I had but partly taken 
the first step toward a Christian life, but it is my 
earnest prayer that I may press forward. 

Eleventh month lJfth . — This evening I have told 
dear sister II — much of my spiritual life from my 
early childhood, before but partly known; much 
I have not dared or thought best to write here; I 
should like to mention some particulars at a favor- 
able time. 

Eleventh month 15th . — I have been reading in 
Baxter's “ Saints’ Everlasting Best,” and I found 
many beautiful sentences, which seem just suited 
for me. Of course there are some opinions in the 
book that I cannot agree with : I have only read 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


115 


the latter part, and consider it of great value. I 
thought while reading it, if Alice could only enjoy 
it with me, how much it would help me. 

Eleventh month 25th . — Attended meeting. I 
desired earnestly I might feel more of the love of 
God, and that I had faith in Him and in His son 
Christ Jesus: it is not yet all so clear as I wish it 
to be. As I was meditating on these things, this 
language came to me: — “Be faithful over a few 
things, and I will make thee ruler over many.” 

Twelfth month Jfth . — I have been especially mis- 
erable for a few days ; I do not seem to improve in 
any way. I was thinking about it last night, and 
gave way for a few moments to a feeling of discour- 
agement; but I soon recovered myself, and won- 
dered how I could do so. We often do things 
and give way to feelings which surprise even our- 
selves. I desire most earnestly that my spiritual 
nature may gain in time a perfect control over the 
lusts of the flesh. What an attainment to be able 
to say, that “the law of the spirit of life in Christ 
Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and 
death ! ” At present I feel these words applicable 
to my state: — “The good that I would, I do not; 
but the evil which I would not, that I do. How, 


116 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, 
but sin that dwelleth in me.” It is this propens- 
ity to sin in me that I long to overcome through 
Christ J esus. I much enj oy reading W m. Shewen ; 
it is very interesting to the inquiring mind. 

Twelfth month 20th . — I enjoyed the meeting 
very much, though spiritual labor was required 
to control my wandering thoughts, but I think I 
was fully rewarded by such happiness as I could 
could scarce express. 11 Oh, the depth of the riches 
both of the wisdom and knowledge of God! ” 

:o: 

First month 1st , 1869 . — We attended meeting. 
Oh, that I might fight the great warfare of life as 
if I fully realized it is Satan, sin, and death that 
I am warring against ! I earnestly desire that my 
affections may be set on things above, and not on 
things of earth, that I may be dead with Christ 
to the rudiments of the world, and my life be hid 
with Him in God ; but oh, how far am I from this 
great height! I was realizing this in meeting, — 
may nothing make me believe otherwise. I desire 
to know myself, and not to rest on a false founda- 
tion. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


117 


First month 15th . — I took up “The Imitation 
of Christ” to-night. I have read but little in it 
since Alice went away, and it seemed like the re- 
turn of an old friend, it was so cheering and en- 
couraging. This passage touched me particularly : 
“ But, tell me, for what purpose earnest thou hither : 
to serve or to govern, to be ministered unto, or to 
minister? Thou knowest that here thou art called 
to a life of subjection, labor, and patience: not of 
dominion, idleness, and amusement. Here men are 
tried, as gold in the fire; and here no one can stand, 
unless with his whole heart he desireth to be hum- 
bled in the highest degree for the sake of God.” 
Yes, I must try to feel that serving, not myself, 
but God, who is not a hard master, is my portion ; 
real happiness cannot be experienced in any other 
way. Then may I be tried as gold in the fire, 
that I may be humble before Thee, 0 God. It 
seems to me that I have fallen into a very luke- 
warm state lately; this I must guard against more 
and more, it is both dangerous and sinful. Truly 
we have great need to watch and pray, that we 
enter not into temptation. 

Second month Ifth . — I am sitting with Josie, 
while the rest are eating; she is very sick. Dar- 
ling little sister, if God lifts thee gently over the 


118 


DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


river from this world of trouble, where there is 
so much danger of going astray, into the spirit- 
world, that needs neither the light of the sun nor 
moon, for the Lord God is the light thereof, can 
we murmur? Let us rather thank Him for these 
few years in which He has let her gentle little 
light shine on our home. We will leave it with 
Him who doeth all things well, and only desire 
that we may freely say, “Thy will be done.” I 
have been thinking how sharply it must pierce the 
heart for one to see the loved form of a near and 
dear one laid in the cold grave, if her affections 
had been wholly placed on the outward body, and 
had almost overlooked this inward and spiritual 
life which, though the body perish, must still live 
on in eternity. Though it is natural for us to love 
the bright little form of sister Josie, still we must 
strive not to love selfishly or unwisely, but always 
look beyond the outward to the immortal, and try 
to train that after Gods teaching. My example 
is not what it should be, and I know I have great 
influence over her. If she is spared longer in this 
world, may I more closely watch myself. It is 
fearful to think of the influence we are daily ex- 
erting, if we do not strive that it be for good. 

I have been thinking of what William Shewen 
says about evil thoughts, that we should watch 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


119 


them very closely, for there must be a thought 
before it gets to be an action. I have reflected 
on this much, and hope I may continue to do so. 
“ Search me and try me, 0 God, and know my 
heart; try me, and know my thoughts; and see 
if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in 
the way everlasting.” 

Second month 28th . — Attended meeting, which 
I enjoyed. I tried to attain to the state of mind 
in which acceptable worship is performed. I felt 
that I was greatly favored, not being so thronged 
with a multitude of worldly thoughts as often op- 
presses me when I am striving to place my mind 
on heavenly things. How desirable is that state 
in which our weakness is lost in His abundant 
strength. 

Third month Jfth . — Why am I feeling so heavy- 
hearted this afternoon ? This surely ought not to 
be, if all was right with me. I left the company 
in the sitting-room, came out here in the kitchen 
by myself, and had begun to write, when Janie 
came in and told me that Louisa Grey died this 
morning. It is just a year to-day since the light 
of Melissa’s young life went out from the view of 
our earthly eyes, and now I trust her young cousin 


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has joined her in the spirit land. For the last few 
days my thoughts have wandered much in the past, 
to the last days of Melissa’s life, and though my 
time has been much occupied in the company of 
dear friends, often has her gentle spirit seemed 
hovering around me, or has it been a manifesta- 
tion of 

“ The Eternal One, whose presence bright 
All space doth occupy ” ? 

Third month 19th . — Would that obedience kept 
pace with knowledge, and may I more closely strive 
to watch carefully that I do right, though it be in 
very little things. He that regardeth the spar- 
row’s fall, surely observeth these, and I have such 
a strange tendency to disregard them and to un- 
watchfulness in general, that my danger is great. 

I returned “ Baxter’s Saints Rest” yesterday to 
Mrs. Van V — : some parts I have enjoyed exceed- 
ingly. How beautifully he speaks of the Christian’s 
great need of serious contemplation and heavenly 
meditation; I feel sure that the neglect of these 
greatly retards spiritual growth. How often we 
do things thoughtlessly which we would not be 
willing to do, if we carefully considered them. 

Alice Van Voorhees spent some time with me 
this afternoon. I feel a great interest in her wel- 


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121 


fare. Numerous are the temptations that beset 
the pathway of youth, and with our thoughtless- 
ness and inexperience we are weak indeed, unless 
we seek strength from Him who alone is fully 
able to supply. 

Third month 25th . — My twenty-fourth birth- 
day, — one of the many proofs that time is swiftly 
passing; may I strive to improve it. I received 
a letter from W — I — to-night, and something 
he said of his inward and religious feelings affected 
me much. I have spent a very quiet, pleasant 
evening in much solemn meditation and prayer, 
and all that was capable of feeling within me has 
been dipped in deep sympathy with some of my 
friends who, I trust, are hungering and thirsting 
after righteousness. With ecstatic feelings of gra- 
titude and praise have I enjoyed the overshadow- 
ing presence of the Holy Spirit this evening. It 
is a glorious thing to be found seeking, for have 
we not the blessed assurance that such shall find? 
I think I can bear my testimony in a measure to 
this great truth. 

I heard the birds sing this morning for the first 
time this Spring. The season which I have un- 
usually longed for has indeed come, and with per- 
fect delight shall I greet its genial smiles, budding 


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trees, and balmy airs. Truly this is a beautiful, 
glorious world! 

Third month 31st . — I have read in Jane Tay- 
lor’s Works an essay on “The Government of the 
Thoughts.” She says there are three classes of 
unrestrained thoughts closely connected, and calls 
them idle, vain, and wicked thoughts, and warns 
us of the great danger of not striving to divert 
our thoughts into a useful channel. I fear there 
is too great a negligence among professing Chris- 
tians in this very important particular. I know 
it has been so with myself, but with the promised 
help of God, on the condition only of our asking 
aright, I resolve to strive earnestly to overcome 
vain and trifling thoughts, for they are the embryo 
of actions, and, if not carefully guarded, where 
might they not lead us, and what would be the 
end? Surely misspent time and energies worse 
than wasted. What the fearful results of these 
are, the solemn close of life will reveal more clearly 
than the thoughtless, careless, worldly heart im- 
agines, for such a one does not allow itself time 
to reflect seriously and considerately on such mat- 
ters. 

Fourth month 1st . — •“ Be still, and know that I 


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123 


am God.” How suggestive these words ! they say 
to the soul : Be still, all thy creaturely knowledge, 
thy running to and fro, and thy will- worship ; be 
thou still before Me, and in holy silence seek My 
presence, and thou shalt know that I am God. 0 
Lord, I do seek Thee, and in Thy abundant mercy, 
long-suffering, and loving-kindness, Thou indeed 
dost make known Thyself unto me, unworthy, un- 
profitable servant that I have been. When I look 
back over the many precious opportunities that I 
have had, and see how they have been slighted 
and passed over, my soul doth indeed sing praises 
unto Thy most glorious name for Thy matchless 
mercy. 0 God, I do earnestly desire to do Thy 
holy will in all things, no matter how much it may 
cross my earthly nature. I desire to quietly sit 
at Thy feet, 0 Lord, to hear the gracious words 
that may fall from Thy lips; that I also may say, 
“Speak, Lord, for Thy servant heareth.” I well 
know, to maintain this state of mind, I must keep 
a prayerful watch continually; and, if I do this, 
Thou in whom I put my trust wilt surely help 
and strengthen me. May I render unto Thee the 
first-fruits of all my increase, and sing praises unto 
Thy glorious name forever. Amen. 

Last night, after retiring, I lay some time think- 
ing over my feelings and actions of the day, and I 


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had at least the comforting assurance that I had 
tried to do my heavenly Father’s will, but remem- 
bered with sorrowful feelings that I had been im- 
patient and spoken fretfully, a habit which I long 
to overcome. How an act of thoughtless disobe- 
dience will cast a veil over our spiritual vision! 
For the last few days I have been greatly blessed 
with a deep feeling of the blessed presence of the 
Holy Spirit: may I not drive it from me by inat- 
tention to its teachings, as I have done before, — 
at least I have greatly obscured it. Without this 
heavenly light — this glittering beacon light — al- 
ways attracting us onward and upward, darkness 
is darkness indeed. 

Fourth month 12th . — I am able to do scarcely 
anything around the house, so am left much alone. 
As I have been alone a portion of this Winter and 
Spring, I have had much time for reading, medi- 
tation, and prayer, and more especially as I can- 
not sew long at a time on account of my eyes as 
well as other bodily weakness. I have been think- 
ing, how numerous are my blessings, and “where 
much is given, much shall be required.” I wish 
to fully appreciate this, but, alas ! through inatten- 
tion and want of diligence, I have not made pro- 
gress in spiritual growth in proportion to the great 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


125 


advantages I have had. How I am humbled by 
these reflections. How weak and small have been 
my efforts to purchase the pearl of great price, — 
yet how unthankful and ungrateful have I been. 
Knowing this great fundamental principle, that 
“the kingdom of God is within you,” I have great- 
ly slighted the duty of looking there for strength, 
support, and guidance, also seeking diligently for 
information concerning my every-day duties and 
spiritual things; but, praises be unto God for His 
adorable mercy, patience, and long-suffering, what 
means has He left untried to draw my worldly 
heart to Himself, where alone are true peace and 
assurance forever? 

What rare advantages have I had in the line of 
reading matter; I often think how greatly I have 
been blessed in this. It has seemed as if I have 
found the very books that contain the instruction, 
information, and encouragement which I so much 
needed. There is so much of the earth to draw 
our minds from the true centre, that I think pure 
religious reading a great help and incentive to 
right action, but we should be careful not to de- 
pend on any outward aid, remembering the apos- 
tolic injunction: “Give diligence to make your 
calling and election sure; for if ye do these things, 
ye shall never fall. * * * We have also a more 


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sure word of prophecy; whereunto ye do well that 
ye take heed ; as unto a light that shineth in a 
dark place, until the day dawn, and the day-star 
arise in your hearts.” 2 Peter. What a precious 
testimony, and many such we find while searching 
the Holy Scriptures. 

The first volume of the Works of Isaac Penning- 
ton I think of great value : how has my soul been 
exalted by its deep and sublime teachings, accom- 
panied at times, I trust, by the quickening influ- 
ences of the Holy Spirit, which alone can enable 
us clearly to discern spiritual things. Some let- 
ters in the back part are very instructive. Uncle 
David brought this to me without the asking, — 
what kind friends I have. 

I feel that my faith may be brought to close 
trial in some way during the coming summer, — 
may I stand firm; may my little ship be strong 
enough to brave all the tempests that time may 
develop ; and may I bear in mind that it behooves 
in fair weather to prepare for a storm, and this I 
desire now to do. 0 Lord, help me to gird on the 
armor of righteousness, for without this we can 
never truly fight the great battle of life; without 
this we can never come out victorious and receive 
in the end “the crown of life, ” without which we 
cannot be truly happy and useful in this present 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


127 


sphere to which Thou hast allotted us. It is my 
soul’s desire that I may seek it with all diligence, 
for if I do this I shall not fail. 

Fourth month 25th {First-day ). — It is lovely 
spring-time. I have just been looking out of the 
window, and marking with delight the rapid 
growths of shrubbery and Spring beauties gener- 
ally. Truly our God is glorious and powerful, 
working great wonders in the creation of light 
and beauty both outwardly and in the soul, made 
manifest in love, joy, and peace, the fruits of the 
Spirit. I have long desired this might be per- 
fected in me, that I might be a willing subject to, 
and be led and guided by, the unerring Spirit of 
God. What a high attainment ! and do I not be- 
lieve it is attainable by the diligent and sincerely 
seeking soul? I think I can now say with truth 
that I do believe, though faith was so long waver- 
ing, troubled, and sorely shaken, that I could not 
say, I believe in Thee, 0 God; but my prayer was, 
“ Help Thou my unbelief,” though at times I did 
not dare to pray, being so filled with cruel ques- 
tionings and reasonings, and thoughts of His in- 
justice, which I utterly failed to withstand. Oh, 
how many ways did my soul’s adversary strive to 
ruin its peace and happiness ! As I think it all 


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over now, how doth my soul sing praises to God 
for His unspeakable mercy and infinite goodness, 
that He has raised me “up out of an horrible pit, 
out of the miry clay,” and, if I persevere, He will 
establish my goings, and my spiritual song shall 
be praises to our God. If I am diligent and strive 
earnestly for the guidance of His spirit, it will as- 
suredly be granted; but, 0 my soul, thou art not 
to lie down in lukewarmness and repose by the 
wayside, and deem thy salvation accomplished, — 
and, because thou hast obtained glimpses of His 
exceeding glory, take any rest short of pressing 
forward to the perfect possession of “ new heavens 
and a new earth, wherein dwelleth righteousness,” 
in which is perfect security, though the old “heav- 
ens shall pass away with a great noise, and the 
elements shall melt with fervent heat, the earth 
also and the works that are therein shall be burn- 
ed up,” which, it is said, shall be, and “will come 
as a thief in the night.” (2 Peter ii.) Oh, it is so 
glorious to feel that I am seeking true religion, 
and I do desire that I may not stop short of its 
full possession, but at times I feel much troubled 
lest I may seriously injure its most blessed cause. 
I am naturally very impulsive, which needs close 
watching and prayer to overcome, and for want 
of this due watchfulness I, at times, do and say 


PHEBE M. IRISH.- 


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things which become not a Christian. I am not 
nearly as diligent in this good work as I should 
be: help me, strengthen me, 0 God, — teach my 
soul the great need of this truth, which is the 
Christians very life: “ Watch and pray, lest thou 
enter into temptation.” And creaturely activity 
at times strives hard to gain the ascendancy over 
the pure leadings of the Spirit, being transformed 
into the semblance of an angel of light which I 
am in danger of following. 

I have many young friends, some particularly 
dear to me, and I desire earnestly that they may 
also seek the pearl of great price, that we may 
travel the pathway of true life in sweet commu- 
nion together. This strong desire takes such full 
possession of me, and I so long to say or write 
something on the “ exceeding beauty of holiness” 
and the great necessity of all seeking it, both for 
the happiness of this life and the life to come, that 
I am in danger of doing it unauthorized, which 
might lead to sad results in those I wish to help, 
as I may say that which would weaken their faith 
instead of increasing it, and I be filled with false 
feelings of ijiy own excellence; which gross sin I 
desire not to fall into, and God knows, as I know 
myself, there is much to humble me. 

Received a letter from W — , in which he speaks 


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of some incident that called forth feelings of thank- 
fulness to God for His many blessings, saying that 
it was not often such thoughts passed through his 
mind, — that it was seldom he thought of death, 
being so happy in this beautiful world and his 
mind constantly occupied with its pleasures and 
duties. What terrible words ! I must answer the 
letter soon, and I pray Thee, 0 my heavenly Fa- 
ther, to guide my pen aright, for I desire to do 
Thy holy will and what is required of me, to urge 
my young friends to seek Thee, the only true life. 
I think much might be done by a young person, 
especially who is one of the number, toward in- 
fluencing others, if they seek aright, and this in- 
fluence is sadly needed. “The harvest truly is 
great, but the laborers are few 0 my Father, I 
desire to serve Thee in this great field of labor, 
but I want to do just what work Thou requirest 
of me, — do not let me go astray. Thou hast, in- 
deed, been a tender Father to me, gently remind- 
ing me of neglected duties and showing me the 
“exceeding beauty of holiness,” impressing it on 
me particularly by the glorious words of Thy ser- 
vant, Abel Hull. I desire, 0 Father, that I may 
strive on to the end, joyfully laboring in Thy glo- 
rious cause, and then rest on “the banks of the 
river of life.” 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


131 


Fourth month 27th . — Yesterday was a busy day 
for us; yes, even I did a few little things toward 
helping get Quarterly-meeting fixings ready. The 
School Committee met at Chappaqua; Father at- 
tended, and Alfred Underhill came home with him. 
We enjoyed his society much last night; his con- 
versation is often very amusing, but particularly 
instructive, and he speaks so beautifully on relig- 
ious subjects. One thing he spoke of last night 
concerning futurity I was thankful to hear: he 
said he held Universalist opinions, I think, partly, 
— that, as we believed God to be all goodness, a 
merciful and gracious being, and making us liable 
to sin, it seemed unreasonable to believe He would 
punish us indefinitely for a finite deed after suffer- 
ing for it all our natural life, as we do for sinful- 
ness, and much more that I cannot write (I think 
I never heard any one except H. J. Hallock ex- 
press such views), and said he thought these were 
the views of Friends, but I never gathered it from 
any of their writings or ministry. This has puz- 
zled and perplexed me much, but, believing in God 
as I do, I am willing to leave such subjects trust- 
ingly to Him, and, as so much is made clear that 
I am convinced it is my duty to attend unto, in 
His own good time, perhaps, more will be made 
plain. 


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Fourth month 28th . — I greatly desire that no- 
thing may draw me astray “ through philosophy 
and vain deceit, after the traditions of men, after 
the rudiments of the world, and not after Christ.” 
(See Col. ii. 8.) And glorious is the thought, if I 
look to Christ, He will instruct me, and I may 
drink of the clear water of life flowing pure from 
the fountain, and not adulterated with the world s 
muddy mixtures. Our own hearts, when earthly 
and carnal, will adulterate this, unless washed and 
made white in the layer of regeneration. Earthly 
knowledge cannot distinguish between true and 
false opinions, “and no marvel, for Satan himself 
is transformed into an angel of light.” (2 Cor. xi. 
14.) As I seek strength from Thee to know my 
duty and do it, Thou wilt grant it, 0 Lord, and 
add all things necessary. 

I attended meeting to-day, and enjoyed it very 
much; I had sweet feelings of unity and fellow- 
ship with “ the household of faith.” What earthly 
joys can compare with this? I sympathize much 
with those among us who may be seeking right- 
eousness. 

Wm. Haines and wife, from New Jersey, were 
with us, and spoke sweet words of encouragement 
and counsel. We had twenty-eight to dinner and 
seven to stay the night, among whom were David 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


133 


Barnes and wife. I had an interesting conversa- 
tion with him this evening : he spoke of their visit 
West last fall on a religious concern, the account of 
which I enjoyed. He told of a young man, James 
Haines of Waynesville, Ohio, aged nineteen, who 
has appeared very eminently in the ministry; he 
became a member by request at seventeen years 
of age, his parents are very wealthy and he had 
much to attract him outwardly. What is riches 
but 

“Canker in the proud man’s heart?” 

“ Spare moments are the gold dust of time,” and 
“Constant prayer is, to keep the heart always 
right toward God.” 

Fifth month 9th . — Uncle Joshua came along, 
and I rode to meeting with him. It seemed very 
pleasant for me to get out again, to meet with my 
dear friends in such a gathering, — a meeting for 
Divine worship. After meeting, sister H — and I 
went up to Uncle David's. I have enjoyed this 
evening; Uncle has been reading to us from the 
Journal of Edward Hicks. 

Second day . — We read the Memoir of Catharine 
B. Keese to-day, which interested us very much ; 
the extracts from her letters I think very instruc- 


134 DIARY AND LETTERS OF 

tive. What a beautiful character! may I pay 
close attention thereto. 

Fifth month 11th . — I have read a sermon and 
prayer by Edward Hicks; may I not see within 
myself the sad picture of “ Christ rejected" of 
which he so touchingly speaks! I also read a 
short memoir (in writing) of Rebecca 0. Haight, 
a cousin of Aunt Jane : it is very interesting and 
affecting, — her death was so glorious. Her last 
words were, “All praise to the Lord.” She was 
young, and one of a large family who endured 
much suffering and destitution in a new country 
(Canada) in years past. Again I am almost led to 
ask my soul, Lovest thou the Lord ? I am deeply 
tried in mind at times, my nature is so very ar- 
dent and impulsive, and it is indeed hard to do 
what I believe and know to be right, sometimes 
in things which seem so very little. We are ex- 
horted to constant prayer, which will “keep the 
heart always right toward God,” and this I do de- 
sire, dearest Father. I desire to love Thee above 
all; to submit my will entirely, devotedly, and re- 
signedly to Thine. Thou, 0 Father, art all love, 
— an ocean without bottom or shore; and surely 
Thou would require nothing of me that was not 
for my good. Then, 0 Thou great Searcher of 


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135 


hearts ! show me, I pray Thee, more clearly the 
depth of self that lies within, and do not suffer me 
to leave it there or conceal it with a fair, bright, 
outside covering, not asking the help of Thy great 
wisdom and power to remove it. 0 Lord, let not 
this be the sad state of one who so earnestly de- 
sires to be Thy humble and seeking servant; let 
self in all its varied forms be entirely subject to 
Thy holy will ! 0 glorious Father, I do beseech 

Thee for forgiveness when I have disobeyed the 
revealings of Thy heavenly will; strengthen me 
and aid me to press forward, that I may be a help 
and not a stumbling-block in the way of Thy most 
glorious cause on the earth ! I do sincerely thank 
Thee for my blessings, both temporal and spirit- 
ual, poor, unworthy creature that I am ! how lov- 
ingly hast Thou drawn me with the cords of Thy 
holy love to reflect on the beauty of holiness, and 
seek for a closer union with Thee, from whom flow 
all the issues of life. This is, indeed, a beautiful 
world in which Thou hast placed me! Sweetly 
this morning did the little singing birds remind 
me of Thee, to whom I desire to look, and to give 
thanks for the gifts of great beauty and loveliness 
in nature which I see around me. My desire is 
very earnest to live the consistent life of a Chris- 
tian, that I may thus glorify Thee and set an up- 


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right example before those who walk not as we 
walk. 

This afternoon I am to meet strangers, and my 
mind has been much exercised that I might do or 
say nothing to bring reproach on myself and the 
glorious religion which I desire not to disgrace. 
0 Lord, be Thou with and strengthen me, that I 
may praise and glorify Thy name in my conduct 
and example before men; help me to seek often 
for a renewal of strength in Thee, who hath said 
to the weak, “My grace is sufficient for thee;” 
and by looking to and depending on that all-suffi- 
cient grace, I find a true and loving Friend ever 
near, on whom to lean in every needful time. 

Fifth month 12th . — What feelings of thankful- 
ness have I experienced this twilight, as I sat by 
the open window in our room, beholding the out- 
ward glories of nature and reflecting on the events 
of the day. When I behold the afflicted and sor- 
rowing, who — 

“Travel this rough and thorny road 
Which leads us to the saints’ abode,” 

how I long to whisper, in right wisdom, words of 
consolation and encouragement, and put them in 
remembrance, that — 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


137 


“ When our heavenly home we gain, 

’Twill make amends for all our pain,” 

and ask the Father, in our behalf, for help to be 
more diligent in our journey. I would that we 
might be one another’s helpers in the Lord. 

Fifth month 19th . — How little we who are 
young know what trials we may have while jour- 
neying through time, but if in the end we can say 
the victory is won, the crown of righteousness is 
gained, then indeed we shall not have suffered in 
vain ; but they that follow not this pure principle 
of Truth must and do suffer, as I can testify, very 
keenly in this life, and have not the glorious prom- 
ise of the life to come. It seems to me that, while 
I retract not my intention to strive to serve the 
living God, though I may have and expect to have 
deep trials, even this earth will almost be a para- 
dise ; for has He not said, “ I will go with thee ” ? 
Though cloud-storms and tempests at times toss 
wildly the frail bark, have we not the promise of 
reaching the haven of rest at last? and with that 
hope as a bright star ever before us, let us not 
grow weary. This buoyancy of spirit at the out- 
set of my journey is very precious to me. I ex- 
pect deep trials and provings, but I desire that I 
may come off conqueror; and I press forward with 


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the same elastic step and bounding heart, hoping 
now, in fair weather, that I may fit and prepare 
my little ship for the rough storms it will have to 
encounter. 

Fifth month 29th . — Our people returned to- 
night from attending Yearly Meeting, and gave 
us an interesting account concerning the meet- 
ings and visits. The subject of First-day Schools 
has received considerable attention from a part of 
the members, while some firmly oppose it, consid- 
ering it a step off the good old foundation : now, 
when rightly and prayerfully conducted, I cannot 
think so. I think our Society, truth, and religion 
generally are suffering a great loss for the want 
of pure examples, encouragement, and instruction 
from those more experienced both among the old 
and young. Yes, the seeking mind surely does 
need and crave this; there is such an extent of cor- 
ruption all around us, and this the tender mind is 
inhaling, as it were, almost continually. W e should 
try to counter-balance this, and, as much as lieth 
in our power, exert an opposite influence; and 
though our guiding star, “The Light Within,” is 
ever near and faithful, still there are instrumental 
helps to lead us to this great gift of God for man’s 
salvation, for we are so prone to seek outward help 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


139 


and thus thoughtlessly overlook it. It may be I 
am wrong concerning this, but I think not : I do 
crave right instruction and guidance from the 
true and living Fountain, but much I desire that 
others may come and “taste and see how good the 
Lord is.” 

Sixth month 20th . — Before meeting I read two 
pamphlets belonging to Uncle David, one of “Tes- 
timonies concerning Music,” and one on the “Sun- 
day Question : ” they were very interesting. Our 
predecessors bore strong and faithful testimonies 
against music. I have often wondered if singing 
would ever become a burden to me; it is some- 
thing of which I am very fond, though having but 
little talent that way. I sing a great deal as I am 
about the house, and sometimes I am deeply think- 
ing at the time: my spirits are, naturally, very 
joyous, and this has long been a habit; but if in 
any way it is a hinderance to my spiritual wel- 
fare, and I am required to part with it, I hope 
and pray I may willingly make the sacrifice, feel- 
ing that “He doeth all things well.” 

Sixth month 29th . — How I desire that I may be 
increasingly faithful, and seek not only daily but 
hourly to know the will of my heavenly Father, 


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and have also ability to perform it. My bless- 
ings are abundant; oh! what can I render unto 
the Lord for all these favors which He so bounti- 
fully bestows upon me? surely a heart that seeks 
above all things to do His will ; may I be more 
diligent. As I was desiring this the other night, 
and thinking seriously of my negligence in spirit- 
ual labor, I was reminded that it is not those who 
say “Lord, Lord,” that are accepted, but those 
who do the will of our Heavenly Father, — I wish 
to keep this in mind. 

Eighth month 10th . — There is one thing that is 
a cause of much uneasiness to me, which is this, — 
I have several correspondents, some of whom are 
very dear young friends, who, I am sure, though 
they do not often speak of it, are seekers after 
righteousness; and at times, when I am writing to 
them, I desire earnestly that they, too, may press 
steadily forward. I wish to encourage such, and 
render them all the assistance in my power; as in 
my experience I know there is so much of an out- 
ward tendency; still I often fear that I may mul- 
tiply words without the life, or say that which 
would be a hinderance instead of a help to them, 
so that at times I am much straitened, not know- 
ing whether to go forward or backward, and fre- 


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141 


quently and earnestly do I seek right direction, 
while my mind is thus clouded. I sincerely de- 
sire that it may not be my failing, to move for- 
ward with the appearance, and not with the life. 
Oh, how I crave to be kept clear of it, and to at- 
tain that state, that whatsoever I do, may be all 
to the glory of God. There are many of my young 
friends who appear to be feeding on husks, and my 
spirit mourns for them, but can I love them more 
than God? What a mystery is all this to me. 

Eighth month 15th . — I have been meditating 
this afternoon on my spiritual condition, and, as 
is very often the case, I find myself far in the back- 
ground, — far from that nearness to God which I 
desire to keep; which I long to be the constant 
atmosphere in which I may live. And the cause 
of this unwatchfulness, — negligence in waiting on 
God, — I earnestly crave strength and diligence to 
overcome. I wish to make a constant practice of 
spending some time each morning in waiting on 
my God, and desiring a closer union with Him, 
as only in this nearness can I receive strength to 
battle with the numerous temptations of life. If 
I neglect a quiet season alone with my soul and 
God, my anchorage is less firm, and easier to be 
loosened by the ever-busy, restless, outside world. 


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Eighth month %%nd. — J — C — G — came last 
night to inform us of the death of Lewis Wood. 
One by one our loved friends are laying off their 
earthly habiliments,— are being prepared for their 
spirit home. May we take heed to the many warn- 
ings, that man like time is passing away, and pre- 
pare ourselves for the glorious change. 

Ninth month 8th . — We attended the funeral of 
Melissa Smith; the meeting was very interesting; 
after which I had some conversation with Esther 
Weeks. On speaking of my poor health, she said 
she had learned some of her deepest lessons in sea- 
sons of affliction ; told me about her poor health in 
early life, and, as she left, repeated the promise : 
“I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee.” It 
seemed to be for me ; and at times such promises 
are in some way livingly brought before the mind, 
speaking comfort and encouragement. 

Ninth month 13th . — Libbie and I talked until 
late last night concerning the commonplace things 
of time, of interest to us both : but that which I 
enjoyed far more was in regard to the priceless 
treasures of the soul-life, in which our interest 
seems mutual, and a congenial friend in this re- 
spect of near my own age I greatly prize. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


143 


Ninth month 28th . — Another morning, clear, 
bright, and very beautiful, though cold, has shed 
forth its cheering light upon our pathway. Truly 
there is much, in Nature and the various appear- 
ances of outward life that has great influence over 
our animal spirits, to render them exhilarating and 
joyous, or not so : but if it is a true, healthy joyous- 
ness in every sense of the word, it must be met by 
this peace and joy in the soul-life, which is the re- 
ward of earnest effort on our part to know and 
perform the many duties of life toward God and 
man. 

Tenth month 1st . — Attended the Fair this after- 
noon, and enjoyed it much. We had an address 
from C. 0. North, which was very good. I have 
seen and heard Mary E. and Adolphus North’s 
father, whose memoirs I had read to dear Melissa, 
and we both much enjoyed them. He said he had 
crossed the Atlantic six times; that he had trav- 
elled much and with his eyes and ears open, and 
had noticed .that no matter how good and beauti- 
ful homes people had, or how loving their families, 
they were not truly happy and never could be un- 
less they had the love of God in their hearts ; and 
he prayed that God’s heavenly Spirit might rest 
on the inhabitants of Yorktown. He is a leading 


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Methodist and, I judge, a devoted Christian, and 
all such are dear to my sight, no matter to what 
sect they belong. 


Hallock’s Mills, Tenth month 8th . 
My precious friend J . : — 

Oft times have poor souls, tossed and sorely 
tried with the afflictions of this life, found comfort 
and deep consolation in those precious words of the 
blessed Jesus: “Let not your heart be troubled: 
ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Fa- 
ther’s house are many mansions.” “In the world 
ye shall have tribulation: but be of good cheer, I 
have overcome the world.” And then the blessed 
assurance, that “He will never leave us nor for- 
sake us.” Yes, darling, when we received A — ’s 
letter, which startled us with the sad news of 
F — ’s death, how were our souls rejoiced to hear 
that our heavenly Father did not leave thee, nor 
forsake thee, but was, indeed, with thee in thy great 
hour of need, and enabled thee to bear it all with 
resignation. Oh, is not His a strong arm to lean 
upon? and when we consider our own weakness, 
and yield to the firm conviction that He doeth all 
things well, though it is hard to nature, yet, if we 
look to Him for strength, He will enable us to say, 
Thy will, not mine be done. Our souls have been 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 145 

dipped into close feeling and sympathy with thee 
in thy bereavement. 

It was hard, indeed, that thou could have no 
dying word, no message left for thee; but, my dear, 
was not his life a message of love? And is it not 
the same now, though the veil being dropped, it is 
hid from view ? And then, how thankful must thou 
be for the great consolation, that he lived a Chris- 
tian life; and He who said, “ I will never leave thee, 
nor forsake thee," surely is all truth, and would still 
be with him in the hour of death, and bear him 
safely over the dark waters into the realms of 
light, and peace, and joy. Oh, J — , as we look 
with the eye of faith, is it not all glorious, — thy pre- 
cious friend in Heaven, safely moored on the rock 
of Everlasting Love ! As for thyself, life without 
him, no doubt, seems dark and dreary, only as it 
is upheld with the thought of duty to God, and 
duty in every sense of the word: then, my dear, 
go forth with a brave, trusting heart, clothed with 
the armor of righteousness, which is really only 
to submit to the righteousness of God, — only to be 
passive in His hand, and He will indeed clothe us 
with all the Christian virtues. I was led to think 
deeply last night of this passiveness that is neces- 
sary on our part, in order that we may be led and 
guided by the Spirit of God. I find it very hard 
10 


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for the natural will to submit to the will of God ; — 
which, in other words, is Right and Duty, — even 
in the very trifles, as we term them, of life. But 
we must press on, never fearing, daily and hourly 
striving to partake of His strength who has over- 
come the world. How deeply do I desire for us a 
closer walk with God, that we may be led more 
and more to see and partake of the exceeding 
beauty of holiness. From thy true friend, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Tenth month %4th . — I am so thankful that I 
was able to be with Melissa so much in her sick- 
ness, and think that the scenes of her death have 
proved a great blessing to me : shall I ever forget 
her perfect happiness while life lasts? May the 
thought of her radiant face, speaking so beauti- 
fully of the joys of heaven, ever be the means of 
encouraging me on my way Zionward. 

Eleventh month 7th . — Ardon Seaman, Samuel 
F. Dickerson, and other strangers, were at meeting. 
I felt that we had a favored season: there was 
much said that seemed to meet my state of mind 
perfectly, from which I hope to profit. May I be 
enabled to say and feel, that it is the settled prin- 
ciple of my soul, as did Samuel F. Dickerson in his 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


147 


closing remarks, that all he had was consecrated 
to his heavenly Father. Ardon spoke on this 
text: — “ When I was a child, I spake as a child, I 
understood as a child, I thought as a child; but 
when I became a man, I put away childish things.” 
As Samuel took leave, he said he hoped we should 
lose nothing by this interview. I have thought 
much of his words, and fervently hope the memory 
of their visit among us, with the precious words 
they have spoken, may not be soon forgotten. 

Twelfth month 9th . — How many dear friends I 
possess, and I have been thinking to-night how 
unworthy I am of-the love bestowed upon me. I 
do indeed desire to make myself worthy of the love 
of those with whom I associate, but much more so 
of my heavenly Father; but desire is not exactly 
work, and this is what I so much need, — real soul 
work, — perseverance in the path of humility, — a 
closer walk with God, — a spirit of devotion, and a 
subjection of my will to the Divine will. This last 
I feel in want of so much in little things. Surely 
we must be faithful over the little, before we can 
be made rulers over much. 


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Hallock’s Mills, First month 4 th, 1870 . 
My 'precious friend Libbie : — 

Thy very interesting letter was most gladly re- 
ceived, and, let me assure thee, enjoyed deeply. 
I think I can appreciate iii a measure the numerous 
difficulties under which thou laborest, and do in- 
deed sympathize with thee ; but, my dear, does n’t 
thou often think, when difficulties surround, that 
if we only “ let patience have her perfect work, that 
we may be perfect and entire, wanting nothing,” 
all will be well. For the perfection of this, many 
struggles with the contending elements will be ne- 
cessary ; so, my dear friend, strive continually for 
the victory with a brave, trusting heart. “For I 
reckon that the sufferings of this present time, are 
not worthy to be compared with the glory which 
shall be revealed in us,” if this victory is ever 
gained. 

We now stand on the threshold of 1870: it is 
comparable in my mind to an open blank book, on 
whose pure, unsullied pages we must write some- 
thing. We have just begun this new book, — it is 
of great importance what we write, that it may be 
an improvement on the last; that each day of this 
new year may bring us one step nearer Heaven ! 
What thou said about keeping our heavenly Father 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


149 


constantly in view, I think I can somewhat appre- 
ciate; this is one of my great difficulties. I, too, 
get so absorbed in what I am doing, in idle thoughts, 
or what is passing on around me, that my Guide 
is not followed with the simplicity of a little child, 
which is so desirable and so necessary to our hap- 
piness and best interests. “Oh,” says, my soul, 
“for a closer walk with God.” 

Thy loving friend, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

First month 21st . — I have been prayerfully 
meditating this morning, and thinking of the pre- 
cious mingling we have enjoyed with our friends: 
and I am indeed thankful to my heavenly Father 
for the many privileges I enjoy, but I want to be 
more so; I need it to be an all-pervading feeling. 
I desire .the continual incense of my spirit to be 
prayer and praise to His glorious name, but in- 
stead of this I find unwatchfulness, and hence un- 
faithfulness often has the dominion. Oh! what 
constant dedication it needs; what continual care 
that we “watch and pray, lest we enter into temp- 
tation.” How we need very often to bow ourselves 
in spirit before Him, in solemn meditation and 
prayer, that our wills may be brought entirely into 
subjection to the will of Him, our blessed Father, 


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that He may lead and guide our steps aright. I 
feel the great need of this now, as I am a professor 
of religion, and with so many dear ones, — how sol- 
emn, how glorious, when real and practical ! I often 
think, when I come so far from arriving to the 
standard which I so desire to reach, am I a hypo- 
crite? I am sure people think me a great deal 
better than I am; indeed, I do not wish them to 
think me a strong man in Christ, when I am really 
such a little child in the truth, and so wayward. 
Though this may not be plain to the eyes of my 
friends, I know it to be so; my natural will is far 
from being in free and entire subjection. 

Hallock’s Mills, N.Y., Second month 18th. 

John J. Cornell : — 

Dear Friend : — Thy kind and interesting letter, 
containing so much instruction, kind counsel, and 
encouragement, was very much appreciated, let 
me assure thee, though at first I felt somewhat 
disappointed in thy views concerning First-day 
Schools, in which I feel such a deep interest; but 
after more consideration of what thou wrote, I could 
but say that I fully united with thee. The idea 
of the kind of a school to which thou would lend 
thy assistance, is just such as I desire our schools 
may be : that there are errors in the management 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


151 


of some, and wrong done by getting unconcerned 
minds as teachers, or those without religious ex- 
perience, I do not doubt; but, on the whole, is it 
not better than the way in which the children have 
been brought up, as I have seen in my own exper- 
ience, often with very little right influence, very 
little instruction adapted to the childish under- 
standing, and very little knowledge of the Scrip- 
tures, which, though not the highest guide, are still 
very valuable “for correction, for reproof, for in- 
struction in righteousness." Thou knowest we 
have but very little “Friends’ Literature” adapted 
to the childish mind, while other societies abound 
with books, which, coming in the way of the chil- 
dren, an inquiring mind will read greedily, as I 
have done. This conflicts with what they hear at 
meeting, and has a tendency to raise many doubts 
and queries, which the influence of the world 
around us induces us to look outward to solve; 
and not having those who are calculated to minis- 
ter to our necessities, or toward whom we feel con- 
fidence to ask instruction or advice, it places the 
mind in a sad condition. 

First day 20th . — Attended meeting this morn- 
ing, which was a much favored season ; at least I 
felt it to be so. Daniel H. Griflin and others spoke, 


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and some of the testimonies I felt to be indeed power- 
ful and full of truth ; hut more beautiful than any- 
thing instrumental is the voice of God in the quiet 
of the soul : but, oh, how hard to maintain this 
quiet, humble feeling, which is so necessary in 
order that it may be plainly heard ! How abun- 
dantly has my heavenly Father blessed me with 
dear friends and fathers in Israel. Often when I 
think of it and fe§l how very unworthy I am, 
my feelings are humbled before Him. I have 
a young friend in whom I am much interested; 
she seems somewhat awakened to her soul’s wel- 
fare. I spent last evening in her company, and, 
though I had never spoken to her before on the 
subject, I felt free to offer some encouragement 
by narrating somewhat of my experience. Oh,’ 
how the desires of my soul go forth in behalf of 
the many who are craving a higher, purer life as I 
have done from a little child ! Oh, the dear little 
ones, up and down in the land, who crave the bread 
of life, and know not where to find it : how my 
past experience prepares me to sympathize with 
them ! True, our heavenly Father will teach us, if 
we but seek instruction with our whole heart, but 
there is so much in the world to drown this still 
small voice. Surely all power is in His hands ; for 
cannot He make a way where there seems to be no 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


153 


way ; as I have found in my own experience, when 
almost ready to believe that I should never be able 
to arrive at a knowledge of the Truth. Though I 
feel such deep interest in First-day Schools, I de- 
sire that I may not move in my own will, but first 
carefully examine the motives by which I am gov- 
erned; that it be not merely to drift in the popu- 
lar current, but that all may be done in His own 
good will and time, to His glory and not mans. 

While on our recent visit, we were at D. E. 
Gerows, with whom I had a long and very inter- 
esting conversation on this subject, which move- 
ment he much disapproves, and has lately written 
a piece for the Intelligencer concerning it. I did 
enjoy his society very much, though I cannot feel 
as he does entirely. Would thou be willing for 
me to send thy views on the subject to the Intel- 
ligencer ? I would like to do so, with thy consent. 
I feel thankful for thy kindness in writing as thou 
dost, and hope my life may show this. I do not 
wonder at thy not oftener writing, and doubt not 
but it is all right, though the time seems long to 
me. If I do not write plain enough, I would like 
thee to tell me : if thou wishest to reprove or cor- 
rect me in anything that is wrong, I would be glad 
to have thee do so. I am afraid thou, with many 
others, thinkest me better than I am. I query at 


154 DIARY AND LETTERS OF 

times, am I a hypocrite? God knows I desire not 
to be, and must strive still more for the victory. 
Much love to Judith, and, in near affection, I am, 
Thy much attached friend, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Third month 7th . — In a letter to her friend 
Libbie, she says: — 

I appreciate much the free expression of thy 
feelings on the subject of First-day Schools, and 
am thankful we are so congenial on this subject. 
Hast thou read John G. Whittier’s letter in the 
last Intelligencer f I think it very good, the sen- 
timents are so correct; but, above all, we need 
great care and watching that we attend closely to 
the leadings of Truth, to teach us what shall be 
our work in this day and generation; not in our 
own wills adhering strictly to the form, without 
the life, of our fathers, or going unsent and un- 
prepared into the new fields of labor which seem 
to be opening for the sincere-hearted. As John 
Parrish wrote : “ If we feel a little interest in the 
Life, let us be careful of that little ; it is the only 
right way to get more.” 

After referring to the expressions of a friend, 
who is a church-member, in regard to our silent 
meetings, she continues : — 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


155 


And is this the way our precious silent meetings 
are viewed by the world? by those that know not 
of the soul's communion with God, — the spiritual 
part that, looking up to its Father, seeks instruc- 
tion and guidance ? Oh, how precious ! how glo- 
rious ! what are words, mere words, to this ? but 
how many do not receive it, because they look out- 
ward. Oh, my dear, we that enjoy so many priv- 
ileges, for how much more are we accountable? 
and may we show to the world by our lives that 
our religion is no idle tale, but something vital; 
that our silent meetings are not a silent deadness, 
but life, — vitalizing life. May it be seen in our 
mingling with the world, in our business, in our 
precious home circle, — everywhere, — that there 
is an inner life which the hand of God doth mould 
and fashion to do His will, that seeks not the ap- 
plause of man. Yes, Libbie, great is my desire 
that we may seek earnestly the “best gifts;” that 
we become acquainted with religion in its pure 
spirituality; and know of living near to God, of 
being really led and guided by His spirit. John 
J. Cornell's argument in favor of perfection is truly 
clear and beautiful, and indeed a high standard; 
toward this may we press steadily. Though the 
child of God must meet with many trials and af- 
flictions in this life, do not the joys of the Chris- 


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DIARY AND LETTERS OF 


tian greatly overbalance all these? I much enjoy 
the “Scraps” of letters in the Intelligencer , and 
think they are very interesting and instructive. 

I am reading the Life of James B. Taylor, lent 
by Bachel Tilton. His must have been a truly 
beautiful life, but some things seem so strange to 
me, — I mean, so different from Friends: he was 
an Episcopal Minister, or at least he died just as 
he had entered the ministry, after eight years of 
study. Of course I enjoy Friends’ writings better, 
as they come nearer home, — that is, in one sense; 
in another, I like to become acquainted with the 
feelings, experiences, and beliefs of others. Hast 
thou ever seen the book of Poems entitled, “The 
Changed Cross,” &c.? I think it beautiful: the 
poems are devotional and very good. Hast thou 
ever read Cowper’s “Task”? I should much like 
to show thee some of the parts that I think are 
excellent. 

Fifth-day afternoon . — I have been looking over 
this letter, and fear that the style in which it is 
written will lead some to think I have attained to 
a much higher standard, as to religious life, than 
is true. Now, my dear, I do not want thee to be 
deceived in this. Indeed, I am but a little child 
as to my progress in the Truth, and a wayward, 
erring child, too, who finds it very difficult to keep 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


157 


sufficiently humble to hear the voice of the Good 
Shepherd, and often, very often, goes far astray. 
It is a cause of much trouble to me that I am not 
more consistent in my example; to be so, I must 
live nearer to God. Though the hinder ances seem 
many and great because of sin, I hope my courage 
may not fail. It is quite easy to write, talk, and 
think of what we wish to be, but to attain this, to 
do the work, is what is wanting ; and we can only 
do this through Christ, who strengthens us. 

From thy friend, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Hallock’s Mills, Third month 7th. 
To my dear Cousin : — 

I surely think true marriage is very desirable, 
and much the happier state, and greatly desire 
that yours may be such, — a true congeniality be- 
tween the inward and spiritual life, — that your 
relation may be indeed marriage in the beautiful 
sense of the word; and that, as years glide on and 
you know each other better and better, your love 
may be stronger, and so centered in the great love 
of the everlasting Father as to be, indeed, eternal : 
that it be no mere transitory, fleeting passion of 
earth, subject alike to decay with other earthly 
things. Oh, no! I crave something higher and 


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purer than this for my darling cousin; and, my 
dear, strive to act thy part faithfully, and may 
our heavenly Father bless you both, as He surely 
will all His faithful servants. 

Thy loving cousin, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Hallock’s Mills, Third month 27th. 
Dear afflicted Friends : — 

I have felt much sympathy for you all, since we 
heard of the death of your dear Abbie. This must 
truly be a heart-rending affliction, but how com- 
forting the blessed assurance left you by her peace- 
ful, happy death, that she is now enjoying a far 
more perfect state of happiness than this world — 
so full of fleeting, fading pleasures — can afford; 
and beautiful is the thought that, though death 
makes such devastation with these clay tenements, 
if the love which has bound us together be pure, 
true love, it is not a thing of time to be easily 
rent: it must live more pure and perfect beyond 
the confines of this lower sphere. Indeed such 
love, which springs from and delights and revels 
in that great ocean of love, which is boundless, 
cannot be confined. J — wrote that she seemed 
to be in a beautiful frame of mind, and talked 
calmly of her approaching close. What a lovely 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


159 


example to us who are left behind ; what encour- 
agement for us to strive to live the life, that we 
also may be prepared to die the death, of the 
righteous, — so beautiful, so peaceful, so greatly to 
be desired; so perfect the glory which shall be re- 
vealed in us, as not to be compared with the suf- 
ferings of this present time. I much enjoyed the 
letter she wrote me last Twelfth month, and it was 
so unexpected, too. Now, she is gone, — a great 
void is left in the home circle; it is felt deeply in 
her large circle of friends; may it inspire us all 
with renewed energy in the Good Master's work, 
that we may be prepared to meet her in Heaven ! 
Yes, dear friends, each of you — in the separate 
relation you bore to her — have my heartfelt sym- 
pathies. I often think of you, and mingle closely 
with you in feeling, though bodily distance sepa- 
rate us. Your friend, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Fourth month 20th . — I have been thinking this 
evening with much emotion of the great beauty of 
submitting our lives entirely to the guidance of the 
Holy Spirit, which will free us from that worldly 
selfishness of which we see so much, that the one 
great desire of our hearts may be to serve God. 
Much do I desire this happy state for myself. 


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Fourth month 27th — I have thought about the 
object of our coming together in a Quarterly-meet- 
ing capacity a good deal. Professedly it is wor- 
ship, and I have desired to feel this at heart; but 
there is much to draw the mind outward, — away 
from the true centre. I long for stillness, — even 
amid all these pleasant scenes and the precious 
company of my dear friends, — where I can quietly 
consider these many blessings, and thank my Fa- 
ther for them : He is so good to me, and I am so 
wayward and willful. Oh, that my will might be 
lost in His ; but this is very hard and difficult for 
me to attain. My will is so strong; it is hard to 
give up, even in little things. I think this arises 
from neglecting to “ watch and pray.” 

Fifth month 26th . — Went to meeting this morn- 
ing, and how can words express my deep enjoy- 
ment of both meetings? My soul was prostrate 
with earnest entreaties to my heavenly Father, 
that He would strengthen me to go forward with 
a firmer step, to do my allotted work more faith- 
fully. I was deeply affected, and trust I shall not 
soon forget it or the solemn covering that spread 
over us at the close. Truly the presence of our 
Father’s spirit was precious ; how did my soul re- 
joice and praise God for His unspeakable gifts. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


161 


Fifth month 28th . — I have felt a desire to com- 
pare my feelings in the attendance of this Yearly 
Meeting with those of three years ago, which my 
Diary will show something of. Oh, how my spir- 
itual life has been blessed since that time ! had I 
only appreciated and improved my many blessings 
and privileges, how still more striking might have 
been the contrast. 0 Father, who hast so favored 
me, how I long to be a more loving and faithful 
child. It is not those who say Lord, Lord, that 
enter into the kingdom, but those who do Thy 
will, 0 God. 

Sixth month 5th . — I had a nice talk with Uncle 
E — this morning, about First-day Schools, &c. 
After we had conversed some time, he said : “ Thou 
art a lover of the Truth.” I told him I was, and 
desired to be a more faithful follower, or to that 
effect; and as we were talking, I said it was such 
a comfort to me to be in the society of those whom 
I felt had attained to a high standard of spiritual 
life, which I so desired. Truly his visit has been 
very precious to me, and dear Aunt’s also : what 
ornaments to the Truth! We attended meeting; 
Uncle E — spoke some beautiful words of counsel. 

Eighth month 7th . — Attended meeting/and to- 
il 


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ward evening started on our ride to Shrub-Oak 
Church, where we heard a Temperance Lecture 
by Dr. H. Curry. I enjoyed the ride exceedingly; 
and the lecture — what can I say of that ! and my 
feelings, to see before me a strong and talented 
man, who had known by experience the full mean- 
ing of that dreadful word Intemperance , now using 
his influence and talents against it, and striking 
at the very root of the matter ; urging that, if the 
heart were right toward Cod, such things would 
not be, — eloquently and powerfully he handled the 
subject. Some thought it more a sermon than a 
temperance lecture, — I thought it was both, beau- 
tifully mingled. He took his text from Matt vii. 
25 : “ And the rain descended, and the floods came, 
and the winds blew, and beat upon that house; and 
it fell not : for it was founded upon a rock.” Ho 
words can express how much I enjoyed it, or how 
excellent it seemed to me. It is several months 
since he reformed, and greatly do I desire that he 
may stand firm. This was a public meeting of 
the Sons of Temperance, of which society he is a 
member: he sent word by S — J — to us of the 
lecture, and to me especially. 

Tenth month lJ/ih . — Witnessed that most beau- 
tiful phenomenon, the Northern Lights, this even- 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


163 


ing, — it was very lovely. Young, in his “Night 
Thoughts,” says: — 

“True,— all things speak a God; but, in the small, 
Men trace out Him ; in great, He seizes man ; 
Seizes, and elevates, and wraps, and fills 
With new inquiries, and associates new.” 

I was perfectly delighted with the wonderful 
beauty, and when the white lights began to flash, 
all mingled with the red, and seemed to roll and 
flame up from the North, how very lovely and 
strange it looked to me. 


Hallock’s Mills, N.Y., Tenth month 2§th. 
Dear Libbie : — 

How delighted I was to hear thou was pleased 
with Job Scott, for I enjoy anything so much bet- 
ter to know that some loved one also appreciates 
and admires it with me. It is pleasant, as I read 
something which does me good, to know that thou 
has or will read it too, and may be inspired with 
like feelings. Libbie, such pure devotedness is 
greatly to be desired, more than aught else here 
below : let us choose reading that has a tendency 
to elevate and raise our feelings above all earthly 
things, and, as we strive to do that which we 
know to be right, pure blessings shall attend us. 


164 DIARY AND LETTERS OF 

Much cloud seems to cover my path, — if I could 
feel that I was faithful, let that be as it may ; at 
times I try earnestly, then let slip my hold, and 
darkness covers my mind. I often wonder that 
my heavenly Father can be so merciful and long- 
suffering; but what a comfort to feel that His arm 
is near and around us, and that He will lead and 
guide us aright, if we but submit. 

Thy true friend, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Eleventh month 17th . — Speaking of a lecture 
she attended in New York, in which the follies of 
fashion were spoken against, she writes : — 

It is very pleasant to have a friend who can 
sympathize so well with my feelings on this great 
question of dress and fashion : it makes another 
link to bind us together. Oh, my dear, may we 
ever live up to the dictates of duty in this respect. 
It is something truly of vast importance, when we 
consider the great loss sustained in this day, by 
using the precious time allotted us — time that we 
should spend to the glory of God — to support show, 
extravagance, and fashion, which, as Lydia Maria 
Child says, “ seems so foolish and wrong : foolish, 
because happiness is not promoted by it, while 
health and character are injured; and wrong, be- 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


165 


cause the time, talent, and money thus expended 
are drawn away from wiser and better purposes.” 

First month 8th, 1871 . — Attended meeting last 
evening, and to-day particularly have felt strong 
desires that I may not, from indifference, give out 
by the way to the Holy City; which heavenly 
state I must know something of while here; hut, 
oh, I am so lacking! 

First month 2^th . — We attended the funeral of 
dear Lottie Underhill, which was a very impress- 
ive season to me. She was young like many of us, 
and much beloved; but I trust she now possesses 
everlasting youth, fadeless evermore. Would this 
priceless gem be ours if we were called away, — 
this seems the natural question? 

Hallock’s Mills, N.Y., Third month 5th. 

To ; 

Though a stranger to thee, yet a feeling of duty 
prompts me to pen thee a few thoughts. I attended 
the Chappaqua School Exhibition, and sat nearly 
behind thee. I thought it strange how thou could 
feel inclined to do aught that would lead thy mind 


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away, and take thy attention from the very inter- 
esting address to which we were listening, which 
might give us some higher ideas of life and that 
pure happiness which will surely be ours if we 
strive to fulfill its important duties. The lecturer 
spoke of Intemperance, and I thought both young 
and old should be interested in such an all-import- 
ant subject, — that terrible evil, which brings both 
misery and torture on the millions which indulge 
therein. I know nothing of thee, and I wondered 
if it could be possible that thy inclination or temp- 
tations led thee into this evil. I thought much 
about it, and felt it deeply; and much did I desire 
that thy attention might be enlisted in the higher 
views of life, which would lead thee above all to 
seek a true character, led and guided by pure 
principles of right; and such a mind can surely 
enjoy real pleasure in the right time and place. 
I only write this from a true concern for thy own 
good and happiness, and of those with whom thou 
associates. I noticed thou drew the attention of 
several to what thou was doing (a little mischief 
it might be termed) ; in just the same way thou 
might draw the attention and interest of others to 
good. Goodness always comes from God, and if we 
strive to attain this highest and purest happiness, 
looking to Him for help, He will grant it in His 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


167 


own good time. Influence is very powerful, more 
so than thou may think, and earnest is my prayer 
that this feeling which enjoys pleasure may be al- 
ways rightly guided, by thinking on what is right 
and what will lead to good, which alone can bring 
happiness; and, above all, ever use thy influence 
in favor of temperance. I trust there is no harm 
in penning my feelings as I have done. 

Very truly, thy friend, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Hallock’s Mills, N.Y., Fifth month 14th. 

John J. Cornell : — 

My valued friend . — “ Of myself I can do no 
good thing” : these words came in my mind as I 
began to commune with thee, and well, no doubt, 
thou knowest the meaning of them; but this is 
one of my hard lessons. I now feel free to write 
to thee again after my long silence, though it may 
be little I have to offer. Oh, there is so much to 
struggle through in order to gain this higher life, 
that I often find myself weak and, as it were, well- 
nigh fainting ! It takes me so long to learn the 
only true pathway to happiness, — which must be 
holiness; freedom from the rule of self-will, from 
which I so long to be emancipated. I never could 
be satisfied with what the world has to offer; yet 


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there is such a natural shrinking from what I have 
to pass through, — to be continually laid low at the 
feet of the Master, — that I give way in weakness, 
and walk much in sorrow and bitterness of heart. 
How earnestly do I desire that I may learn by my 
many missteps, and feel more securely fixed on 
the Everlasting Eock. 

The visit we had from thy father and mother 
was much enjoyed; greatly do I prize the society 
of such dear friends, as I soon felt them to be. I 
thought we had an excellent Quarterly meeting. 
If I could retain and practice the beautiful coun- 
sel that I have so often heard, which was handed 
forth with such power by David H. Barnes and 
others, the sweet feeling and exceeding beauty of 
holiness would not pass away, but live and remain 
with me. This requires labor and the sacrifice of 
much, though of nothing really of service to me; 
yet, in times of trial, this truth seems to be lost 
sight of. Thy friend, 

Phebe M. Haddock. 

Fifth month 21st . — A beautiful day; the coun- 
try looks very lovely now. Truly God is wonder- 
ful in wisdom and power : how I desire to serve 
Him with my whole heart, — then He will fill it 
with a joy and loveliness comparable to that which 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


169 


is shown in the outward creation. Oh, that we 
might seek this beauty of a meek and quiet spirit, 
which far surpasseth the outward adorning of this 
poor body, that tends so much to feed a vain mind 
and draw it away from deeper and higher inter- 
ests. 0 Lord, keep me, I pray Thee ! 

Hallock’s Mills, N.Y., Seventh month 7th. 

To : 

I do not see why we cannot have near and 
strong friendships with gentlemen as well as with 
ladies, and prove of great good to both. I believe 
thine has been of use to him, so, darling J — , do 
not think thou carest nothing about living, that 
thou doest no good, or anything of the kind : thou 
should, it seems to me, if consistent with the loving 
Father’s will, wish to live for the sake of others, 
to do good and make others happy with thy love 
and kindly cheer. Yes, there are many sad hearts, 
many heavy and discouraged ones, in this world 
of ours, that need sympathy and encouragement : 
thou may be, and no doubt often art, mingling with 
such ; and, in doing thy duty in this and the dif- 
ferent ways that may be pointed out, can thou not 
feel that love marks out the way and will make 
bright the gentle mission, — that in due time all 
pure love will mingle together in that ocean which 


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is described as having neither bottom nor shore; 
and can a true Christian doubt it ? I know this 
boundless love is thy sweet trust and confidence; 
yet, though F — is gone before, and thou art left 
as it were alone, still, darling, strive not to feel 
alone, but live for others. Love is always bright 
and always needed. Alas ! how sad to think, by 
how many; but the good Father’s love is always 
near, though so many do not heed it. 

From thy friend, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Seventh month 11th . — Last First-day afternoon 
I felt much impressed with a desire to live nearer 
to God, and more in accordance with the prompt- 
ings of His spirit, than I feel I have been doing 
for some time past. 

Seventh month 13th . — Attended the funeral of 
Jesse Hallock: an interesting meeting, I thought, 
and full of instruction. As flowers of the field we 
pass away, soon the places that know us now shall 
know us no more; how necessary, then, that we 
do what we feel sure is required of us. If we seek 
this, we shall know, and it shall be well with us, 
even though we may not please the eyes of the 
world. These thoughts were suggested by reflect- 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


171 


ing on Jesse’s life and death. I shall not forget 
him very soon : it seems so strange to think he is 
gone. 

Eighth month 2nd . — This is a lovely morning; 
we have had so much rain lately, that we appre- 
ciate clear weather. I am a great lover of sun- 
shine, both in the outer world and the inner one 
of the heart; but my experience plainly teaches 
me that it is not always an easy thing to keep in 
such a state as to see or enjoy the blessed rays 
which God doth send to lighten and purify the 
heart; but, as the clouds and rain of the outer 
world are necessary to life and the growth of veg- 
etation, so it is in the spiritual life; and to me it 
is a pleasant thought that the sun is always shin- 
ing, even though we do not see it. 

Eighth month 6th . — My mind has been much 
tried and rather depressed a great deal of the time 
for some months : it seems so hard for me to live 
up to my highest convictions of duty, and I come 
so far short of leading the truly Christian life, 
which I desire to do, that it makes me unhappy, 
and my influence over the three little children 
under my care is not as pleasant as it should be, 
which troubles me much. I often feel such a 


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gentle reminder of what my example, life, and 
conversation should he to them, whose characters 
are forming and whose minds are so susceptible of 
impressions, yet how far I am from this standard. 
None but the Lord can carry on this work in my 
heart : as I look to Him, surely He will strengthen 
me for the great labor of life. I feel deeply the 
need of more love, faith, humility, and submission : 
0 Lord, help me to look to Thee. 

Nettie and I have read aloud Cowper’s “ Win- 
ter Morning’s Walk,” the last part especially; how 
exceedingly beautiful and precious to my soul. 

Eighth month 15th . — I here copy a portion of a 
letter written to Alice Sutton : — 

My precious friend . — I know I have been very 
free, indeed, in my correspondence with thee; it 
has seemed to do me good to tell thee my feelings, 
and it so seems again to-night. I am not in a 
condition to write as happily as I have at times, 
for somewhat of a cloud rests on my spirit, and 
has done so much of the time for months past: 
at times I do not see how I shall ever be able to 
come out from under it; for it seems to be of my 
own making, which makes it sad and heavy to 
bear. I attribute it to the lack of entire faithful- 
ness in little things, more especially from a want 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


173 


of sufficient meditation and prayer : and, oh ! the 
great loss my spiritual life sustains, as well as the 
lives of others, my usefulness being impaired and 
my example being so far from upright. It is sad, 
very sad, though I have felt the love of God dear 
and precious since I last wrote, and my outward 
blessings are so abundant; surely I ought to love 
and serve so good and merciful a Father. I have 
often deeply and very earnestly desired to do this, 
but the desire seems to fade away ere it reaches 
to decisive action. When the times of trial came, 
I would be too weak to resist or call for aid, yet 
knowing, that of myself I could do nothing: it 
may be this is what I need to learn more fully, 
and if so, may I learn it, though it be through 
suffering. But I do want to feel that I am not 
faithless to this pure love of the Father : for this, 
I know, I must strive and labor, and wait for His 
strength to qualify and support through all this 
life of trial; yet I trust it will look more cheerful 
to me, as it surely will, if it is only brightened by 
the light of His countenance, which I seek after 
more than all else beside. Oh, those sweet hours 
of meditation and prayer ! how can any one neg- 
lect them who desires spirituality? Yet how lit- 
tle have I often permitted to hinder what — with 
true devotedness — might have proved precious 


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communion with, the True Guide and Bishop of 
souls. It seems strange and I can scarcely ac- 
count for it, but I trust I am learning some of the 
true lessons of life : may the Lord so keep me that 
I stray not from Him. 

Ninth month 13th . — How much I have to hum- 
ble me : I come so far below the standard I would 
attain, as the teacher of dear little children, that 
it troubles me much. The day before yesterday I 
dwelt much under the feeling sense of prayer for 
Divine aid, and was enabled to pass through it 
very well, though I made some errors. If I con- 
tinually strive for this all-sufficient help, it will be 
well with me, but it seems so difficult. 

Tenth month 12th . — I do not approve of read- 
ing many works of fiction, there is so much other 
reading that seems more profitable, — at least, I 
have felt the need of something more substantial : 
yet there are a few which I have enjoyed hearing 
read, as there seemed so much of solid worth and 
correct views of human nature woven in with the 
story. I think “The Schonberg Cotta Family,” 
“ Stepping Heavenward,” and the “ Diary of Kitty 
Trevylyan,” are valuable. Of course, I met with 
views which I cannot endorse, but such I leave, 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


175 


and accept the many good lessons to be learned 
from them. If wrong in seeming to approve of 
fiction in any form, I hope to be convinced thereof. 
I disapprove of much that is current, and of the 
waste of precious time in reading it. 

Eleventh month 8th . — I want Josie to learn po- 
etry, and to love the good and beautiful in litera- 
ture. I desire that her taste may be better culti- 
vated than my own, and hope she may read and 
know more than myself. My eyes have hindered 
greatly in this as well as in other matters, and I 
feel my ignorance, yet know that real heart-hap- 
piness does not consist in the amount of knowledge 
we possess. Eemember this, dear little sister, and 
that — 

“ If happiness have not her seat 
And centre in the breast, 

We may be wise, or rich, or great, 

But never can be blest.” 

Eleventh month 15th . — Much of the time of late 
I have felt very much discouraged on account of 
my many failings: it seems so difficult to be a 
Christian, that I often fear and wonder if I shall 
attain this blessed state, so greatly desired by me. 

Eleventh month 18th . — Eeceived two precious 


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letters to-night from Alice Sutton and John J. 
Cornell; the latter remarkably encouraging, and 
containing a wonderful insight as to my trials and 
discouragements about my many failures, even re- 
specting my anxiety for having a good influence 
over my four little scholars, that may mark their 
future course in life. The letter was written on 
the evening of the 15th instant, the same time 
that I wrote here about being so discouraged con- 
cerning my many failings. He said much that 
is very comforting, especially so, that I feel that, 
without doubt, it certainly came from the Source 
and Centre of all good; and am I, a poor, unwor- 
thy, unfaithful creature, an object of such loving, 
tender care? How it should humble me in the 
dust before Him whose eye is all-searching, who 
knoweth all the thoughts and intents of the heart, 
who hath done so much for me, and given me so 
many advantages that I am accountable for, yet 
have so greatly slighted! John J. Cornell thus 
writes : — 

“Contemplate our relationship to Deity as we 
may, and trace His goodness and mercy to us in 
all His manifestations and dealing with us, and 
there is much to encourage us to hope on and 
struggle with all our surroundings, for the prom- 
ise is sure and abundant. Why should I write 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


177 


thus to thee? It has not been the result of pre- 
meditation, but as I put my pen to paper to trace 
the thoughts and feelings which might arise, these 
views seemed to present, and I have penned them. 
They may serve to arouse a train of thought 
which may at least interest, if it does not benefit. 
Has the spirit been clouded, and amid its sorrows 
and forebodings, while the face has assumed a 
pleasant exterior, the secret sigh has only been 
heard by the Omnipresent, and the unbidden tear 
flowed only when unseen by human eye, and I 
have thus been led to sympathize and possibly en- 
courage. From thy outlook over the community, 
as well as over our society, brought by thee in thy 
situation as teacher over the little flock entrusted 
to thy care, has the responsibility of implanting 
lessons which shall mark their future course and 
produce good results, made thee fear more for 
thyself than before, and led thee to watch more 
closely thy actions and impulses, and perhaps to 
more often doubt thy own standing with the All- 
wise in the progress of the spirit-life. Ah ! out of 
this will grow plants that shall be an honor to the 
Great Husbandman, and thou wilt bless the hour 
when out of all these tribulations the Master bring- 
eth peace. How such experience qualifies us to 
feel for others who are battling with life’s woes, 
1 ^ 


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and how it qualifies to encourage them to look to 
that Power that can thus preserve ! May we then, 
dear Phebe, take courage, and look upon these ills 
of life as the means of purification of our spirits, 
and we shall find renewed energy to press onward 
amid all our varied trials. I would much like to 
hear from thee soon, and trace, too, the conflicts 
of mind and their results as thou might find a 
freedom to pen them. Any thoughts, too, which 
have been the subject of deep reflection in relation 
to our position here and relationship with Deity, 
or the duties we owe to one another in the family 
or society, would find a cordial, feeling welcome 
and an earnest sympathetic reader, who desires to 
assist where he can, and who seeks strength and 
encouragement from such communings with kin- 
dred minds.” 


Hallock’s Mills, N.Y., Twelfth month 7th. 
My dear friend R — ; 

I was made very happy by receiving thy kind 
and interesting letter a few weeks since : it was 
such a disappointment not to be able to have a 
visit from thee, before thou went to Philadelphia. 
I thought of thee while so confined, and often did 
I think, if I could only make B — a visit, how glad 
I would be ; but that was not in my power. I ex- 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


179 


pected that, while the body was closely confined, 
the spirit was partaking of that rich and glorious 
freedom with which the truth makes free; and it 
was a sweet source of encouragement to know this 
had been so abundantly the case. 

My dear friend, I hope the young people may 
be many that shall be cheered in the path Zion- 
ward by thy precious words of counsel and encour- 
agement. I do not know how it was with thee in 
thy youthful experience, but I deeply need the 
words of cheer from those that have been raised 
above the clouds and discouragements which beset 
the pathway of inexperienced feet. I sometimes 
think, perhaps after all I am learning the way, 
though much of the time I feel almost lost in the 
rolling billows of time, which threaten to engulf 
me in the delights of self and of self-will; yet, as 
John J. Cornell wrote, in his last letter: — “Con- 
template our relationship to Deity as we may, and 
trace His goodness and mercy in all His manifes- 
tations to and dealing with us, and there is much 
to encourage us to hope on and struggle bravely 
with all our surroundings, for the promise is sure 
and abundant. ” How beautiful the Master works 
in us and with us ! 

Thy loving friend, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 


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Twelfth month 9th. — How beautiful is the faith 
in a loving Father, that He has all power to bring 
around that which shall be best for us, if we only- 
put our whole trust in Him; and He alone can 
teach what is best. How blind we are without 
His teachings! Oh, that I may more and more 
strive to gain that wisdom which cometh from 
above ; then all shall be well : if sickness, it shall 
redound to His praise; if health, it shall be spent 
in His service. 

Twelfth month 13th. — My feelings are very ten- 
der to-day, with strong desires after holiness. I 
read some in a record kept of my religious feelings 
and yearnings after a higher life a few years since, 
when I did not know the way as fully as I do now, 
and how, little by little, I was taught; for, “if ye 
seek, ye shall find,” but I have not rightly used 
the precious knowledge. 

Twelfth month 37th. — Susie and I read a good 
while in “Stepping Heavenward” last evening, and 
have finished it to-day. I think there is so much 
of human nature and of common difficulties pic- 
tured therein, that it is highly instructive. 


Twelfth month 31st. — The last day of 1871, — 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


181 


it is evening, and our family circle, except Wright, 
are close around the stand, and, as I look on the 
dear ones and think of the many blessings we have 
enjoyed, I do feel very thankful to God, the giver 
of every good and perfect gift. But I know that 
I have not lived out this thankfulness by a life of 
obedience and close walking with God. Oh, how 
many defects and failings I see in my life, as I 
look back over the pages of the year’s experience, 
and sincerely desire that, if I live another year, 
it may be more to His glory. He has been so 
good to me, but I am sadly deficient; and I earn- 
estly ask for more strength from the never-failing 
source, — from Thee, 0 my Father, — to guide me 
in the coming year; and feel to-night a yearning 
for more of Thy pure love, and that it may show 
forth more faithfully and gently to each one of 
our dear family, and to all with whom I meet, — 
for I have been lacking in this. 

:o: 

First month 1st , 187 2 . — Have school to-day, 
and at the beginning repeated the little verse : — 

“ O God, to Thee our hearts would pay 
Their gratitude sincere, 

Whose love hath kept us, night and day, 
Throughout another year.” 


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We make a practice of repeating texts and verses 
in the morning before we read in the Testament. 

First month 17th . — Went to meeting; have not 
been for several months, except two or three times 
to Preparative meetings : think I never more fully- 
appreciated the deep significance of silent worship, 
though the meeting was not silent, for Daniel H. 
Griffin spoke. Looking at it as we do, that an 
all- wise Father is constantly watching over us for 
good, and has given a portion of His spirit to di- 
rect and guide us in the right, if we listen to His 
teachings; then let us quietly sit down and com- 
mune with our hearts, and He will be present 
with us. What a beautiful and cheering thought : 
would I could realize this better. 

Hallock’s Mills, N.Y., First month 23rd. 
John J. Cornell : — 

My valued friend . — Thy precious letter was 
thankfully received several weeks ago. It con- 
tained much encouragement, which I was deeply 
in need of; and why, thou might well think, sit- 
uated as I am, with such abundant blessings and 
so much, as I can sometimes see, to urge me for- 
ward, to live a closer life with God. But I think 
thou must know something of the infirmities of 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


183 


the flesh, how much there is to drag us down and 
keep us back, — in short, the strength of all that 
resists the right. This is no excuse for my many 
short-comings; for well do I know, that “greater 
is He that is in us, than he that is in the world.” 
But surely thou had knowledge given thee of my 
condition; and, though I have often strayed from 
the- paths of the loving Father, yet thy counsel 
was so tender and feeling, that it touched me to 
the heart. Again and again I stray, yet still feel 
an earnestness of purpose to strive more and more 
with the help of God to gain the victory over my- 
self. A few years ago, when sincerely seeking a 
knowledge of the Truth, in looking at the lives 
of professors of religion around me, I saw much 
which was not in accordance with that holiness 
my soul craved, and it led to doubt and discour- 
agement. I thought, if there is really such ex- 
ceeding beauty and virtue in holiness, and it is 
attainable, why do they not show it in their lives ; 
or, if they possess it in a measure and it is so de- 
sirable, why do they not live up to it fully and 
entirely, that all might see the light and be able 
to recognize its power? Oh, how doubt and diffi- 
culty, brought on by these reflections, have borne 
down my spirit ! yet deeply did I desire the know- 
ledge and full possession of that priceless treasure 


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which is everlasting. As I sought it more and 
more carefully and with tears, slowly did the light 
dawn upon my troubled soul, and at times seasons 
of sweet enjoyment, with a feeling sense of the pres- 
ence of the Most High, were mine, and I could say 
from my soul’s experience, Surely there is a God ! 
(I had doubted this.) As I desired to know how I 
might please Him, it was shown unto me; and well 
do I remember the feeling of joy and peace with 
which I received a knowledge of the beauty and 
simplicity of true religion : that it was, to be will- 
ing to perform every known duty, and to seek with 
our whole heart a knowledge of it and of God. In 
time I felt sure of the goodness of God, although 
there seemed so much to. contradict it. Oh, what 
doubts and troubles my poor soul had known, and 
how I used to long for some one to whom I could 
feel free to tell my feelings and ask advice; but 
light was growing more clear, and the sympathy 
of friends was in a measure made manifest, which 
proved truly encouraging. In time came a corre- 
spondence with thee, which has been a source of 
deep thankfulness and of much encouragement. 
How often have I desired and prayed that I might 
be entirely given up to the Father’s will ; that my 
will might be utterly lost in His; that I might 
not be lukewarm, but zealous in the cause, — in 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


185 


short, a whole Christian. I looked around and 
saw many who seemed so far behind the standard 
which I thought a Christian ought to attain unto, 
and which I set up for myself and a society pro- 
fessing, as we do, to be led and guided by the un- 
erring Spirit of Truth ; and it seemed sad that we 
should come so far short of it. 

And now I must tell thee — what I have long 
desired to, but feared it might sound strangely to 
thee — what my great besetting sin is, which has 
such power to drag me down, and it seems almost 
impossible to overcome. A voice within says : — 
“With God, all things are possible;” yes, this is 
my hope, which keeps me in a measure from utter 
discouragement. My disposition is mtfch given to 
extremes, and I believe that temperance — in its 
broadest sense — is required of me: “that in eat- 
ing or drinking, or whatsoever we do, we should 
do all to the glory of God.” To maintain a due 
temperance in eating is very difficult: I cannot 
explain how hard it is for me. I have sometimes 
tried to comfort myself with the thought, that phy- 
sical derangement was the cause, — that it was a 
morbid appetite; but that could not justify me in 
giving way to what I knew to be wrong and would 
lead to other diseases, which I am confident it has 
done. To explain my views more fully: I think, 


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as a people, we know too little of the laws which 
govern our own frames, and how can we expect 
anything but sicknesses unnecessarily multiplied. 
I have thought much on this subject for several 
years, and the longer I live and reflect on what 
my experience teaches and what I see in others, 
I feel deeply the great need of knowledge in this 
respect, and of earnest effort to live up to what 
we do possess, in the control of our appetite, pas- 
sions, &c. I feel this subject to be very*import- 
ant, — that it weightily rests on intelligent beings 
to seek this knowledge; and, may I not say, to 
just as fully live up to what we are persuaded is 
necessary to our health as we should to right and 
wrong in anything else. Oh, for more light and 
strength ! How deeply have I felt the weight of 
this, when I have heard those standing high in the 
ranks of religious society say, that such and such 
things were an injury to them, respecting eating 
particularly, yet admit they yielded from appetite 
or custom to that which they knew was wrong. Is 
there not a right or wrong in everything, and are 
we not accountable? For one I am, and it has 
rested heavily on my spirit. I wish thou would 
tell me just what thou thinkest of this. I am sure 
thou wilt say, that we should not allow ourselves 
to be slaves to appetite in any way; but always 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


187 


yield to the rule of right in everything, no mat- 
ter how small it may appear at the time. I have 
learned how easy it is to give way to wrong, — to 
that which so persistently clamors for victory; 
then how easy to give way to discouragement, to 
be lukewarm and negligent, and think hard things 
are required; when at almost every turn I am 
urged to give up something which my selfish, lion- 
like will deems necessary to my happiness. Oh, 
foolish blindness ! when I know I am utterly inca- 
pable of judging for myself. Instead of bringing 
happiness, it fills me with sorrow and unhappiness ; 
with a constant unsatisfied craving. Ho, I cannot 
be happy out of the love of God and submission 
to His will. 

When I have been in this condition, having in 
view the standard I would attain as the teacher of 
little children, whose minds are so susceptible of 
influence, I have truly suffered. My kind, patient 
friend, thy words of precious counsel were indeed 
sweet to my troubled spirit, and may I find re- 
newed energy to press onward amid all my varied 
trials. I do enjoy my school, and feel it to be a 
great blessing; and desire to fill the station more 
worthily, for I feel keenly my short-comings. Thy 
words respecting this were truly cheering, — yes, 
dear friend, I feel deeply the responsibility of im- 


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planting lessons which shall mark their future 
course and produce good results. 

Thy loving friend, 

Phebe M. Haddock. 

Second month 20th . — To her friend Bessie, she 
thus writes : — 

Auntie was speaking last evening concerning 
prayer. We were reading something about it in 
“ Stepping Heavenward,” which opened the sub- 
ject. She said, some objected to having set times 
for prayer, lest they should fall into mere form; 
but that she had always felt happier when she 
had appointed times. Her profession is with the 
Free-Will Baptists, and of course our views differ 
on some points ; but I have thought much about 
this. I do think we lose — at least I know I have 
lost much — by not often secluding ourselves from 
the world’s bustle in quiet waiting upon God, — 
yes, waiting for that spirit of prayer which only 
He can give; and, as we try to draw nearer and 
nearer to Him, by meditating upon holy things 
and the blessedness which attends His children, 
He will make us feel and taste of that glory which 
the world and its joys cannot give; and when our 
minds are so constantly filled and taken up with 
earthly things, the time often does not seem to 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


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come for this exercise. Then, perhaps, it may be 
well to set apart some special time to think par- 
ticularly of heavenly things and of our own works, 
to question the thoughts and intents of our hearts 
before God, asking for His guidance and direction 
in all things; and, as we seek in this way, often 
we shall feel especially invited by the Comforter 
within to this service of prayer, which we shall 
find to be most precious enjoyment. Then, again, 
it may seem hard work to set our minds on that 
which is eternal or everlasting, which shall never 
fade away; but certainly -for the labor we shall 
receive rich reward. Yes, when my mind and 
hands have been busy, I have felt urged to with- 
draw and wait upon God; and when I have been 
willing to give up my will to the Divine, most 
richly have I been repaid. 

Thou speakest of thy Aunt Elizabeth’s death : 
it must have been very impressive to see her suf- 
fer so much, yet still keep her faith in God. Must 
we not judge that father unquestionably right who 
inflicts suffering on a dear child, and yet that child 
has perfect confidence, her faith never wavers, she 
knowing that all is right, all is love, though not 
understanding why it should be so ? Surely if the 
one who suffers, trusts and feels that same Father 
to be her comfort through all, it seems to me loud 


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preaching indeed; and it may be that some need 
this seal to their faith. But I am not quite sure 
that our heavenly Father inflicts all the suffering 
by sickness which we have to bear. It seems to 
me that much comes through our not obeying the 
laws of life, which we ought to know more about; 
and I think that people are more ignorant on this 
subject, than on any other vital question. But, 
be that as it may, if a person can pass through 
such intense suffering, and still keep perfect faith 
in the goodness of God, I think it a powerful tes- 
timony to His all-sufficiency to sustain, and that 
“ He doeth all things well.” 

Third month 19th . — This afternoon Nettie and 
I visited Gerow’s people, and we had a nice time. 
I thought much of dear Melissa, and of her father 
also. Bead again the counsel he left for his fam- 
ily; it seemed so touching. What hours of differ- 
ent experiences I have had in that home ! When 
dear Melissa left us to go to her Saviour, with her 
face radiant with heaven’s own light, she told us 
how happy she was, and wanted all to meet her in 
Heaven. Oh, how I thank God for being allowed 
to witness that glorious death ! How beautifully 
her countenance was lighted up with the peace, 
happiness, and joy of her heart, as she talked of 


PHEBE M. IEISH. 


191 


the joys that were and would he hers. She was 
asked if she would rather be with Jesus than get 
well again? She said, “she would rather be with 
Jesus.” It seemed to me almost wrong to ask 
such a question, for she appeared to be so filled 
with eternal joys, that I felt sure she could not 
desire to remain here to take part in earthly 
things, even though earthly hopes were bright. 
Yet still it was pleasant to hear the answer, “ No, 
I would rather be with Jesus.” Dear child! how 
her departure took away from me the bitterness 
of parting. 

Fourth month 6th . — Attended the funeral of 
James Hallock this afternoon : David Barnes’ tes- 
timony was lengthy and impressive. He spoke 
of its being a serious thing to die, and that it is a 
truly serious thing to live ; and said, he felt his 
only safety to be in keeping closely on the watch, 
that his Father’s will might have the preference 
in all things. His speaking of having to keep on 
the watch was soothing to my spirit; it seemed so 
pleasant to hear it expressed as a personal expe- 
rience; to feel in my heart the companionship and 
sweet influence of others, though far in advance 
of myself, yet treading the same narrow, though 
precious, pathway that all must tread, who go 


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Zionward. I feel very weak, yet know He is all 
strength; and, though I fail again and again, I 
must still strive on. 

Fourth month 14 th . — The sweet thought came 
to me to-night, as a precious, ministering spirit, 
that we should try to get all the real good out of 
life that is possible; that, though things may seem 
very unpleasant, there must be something to be 
gained or some good that we may learn. Let our 
prayer be: — Lord, help us to rightly use, to spir- 
itual profit and our proper growth, all things that 
are given us. 

Fifth month 1st . — Dear E — is so joyful. It is 
indeed cheering to be with her and hear her talk ; 
how I wish we had more such happy Christians. 
Surely in that way only is to be found any real 
happiness ; but to speak for myself, what gives me 
unhappy feelings is, not being faithful to the truth 
and right, — Gods own requirings ; and where this 
is the case, the real pure germ of all loveliness of 
heart and spirit remains clouded, and the bright- 
ness is not only obscured to the erring mind, but 
to those with whom they mingle. Sad, truly sad, 
that this should be the case! Oh, that I may 
learn obedience from the deep things which I have 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


193 


suffered, be submissive to whatever is required, 
and truly faithful in the best sense of the word; 
then I may really, as dear Rachel urges, and as I 
know is our privilege, “ Rejoice in the Lord.” 

Fifth month 3rd . — In a letter to her friend, 
L — , she writes: — 

Rachel’s sweet counsel was so cheering to my 
mind. She urged me to rejoice always in the 
Lord, — to feel the blessedness of His goodness, — 
to persevere, and never give way to depression. 
I see it plainer, and trust that I may be enabled 
to tread more carefully this beautiful way. Oh, 
we have so much over which to rejoice! if fail- 
ings and weaknesses encompass us, we know the 
best Friend is always near us, always willing to 
help; and in this way I see we can really rejoice, 
even though our spirits are deeply grieved. I 
have great confidence in the perfect goodness and 
love of God ; I know the way to seek strength and 
knowledge from Him, — to plead for His care and 
support, and every necessary grace; I know He 
is abundantly willing to give, if I am only faith- 
ful. I know He is with me, in and around me, a 
very present help in time of trouble; and why 
should I not rejoice in this, and strive on? 

My dear, I have been truly blessed in the sweet 
1 ^ 


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companionship of experienced lovers of the blessed 
Truth, with whom I have met the last few days; 
Edward also added to my treasury. Thanks be 
to God for His great mercy ! for His unspeakable 
gift! 

Hallock’s Mills, N.Y., Fifth month 6th. 
John J. Cornell : — 

My valued friend . — Feeling pleasant drawings 
in my mind toward engaging in this imperfect 
communion with thee, I have gladly yielded there- 
to. Thy very kind letter was heartily welcomed 
about two months since, and I can truly say it 
was very acceptable to my inmost feelings, which 
have been, since our correspondence, strengthened 
and encouraged by this pleasant intercourse. Dost 
thou realize how much the young people yearn for 
encouraging words from those older in years and 
experience? Often, when quite young and min- 
gling with dear ones whom I felt strongly drawn 
toward by the feeling, that they were walking in 
that pathway of light which my feet so longed to 
tread, — and yet, though I had heard of it with 
my outward sense again and again, felt that I did 
not know the way, — often have I wondered how 
they could sit by, unmindful of the deep feelings 
of my heart, which earnestly craved sympathy and 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


195 


the sweet words of cheer ! When I have received 
this, what deep impressions it made on my heart ! 
It is so pleasant to know that others feel for us; 
that they would gladly assist our stumbling and 
erring feet. So, dear friend, from the fullness of 
my heart, I thank thee for thy kind interest in my 
welfare, and hope that, when permitted by “Him 
from whom all blessings flow,” thou will ever nur- 
ture and speak words of cheer and encouragement 
to the young. 

It seems to me, that if there were more social 
intercourse between young and old Friends, and 
the young were encouraged to speak more freely 
on those things which concern their higher inter- 
ests, it might be beneficial to both, — is there not 
a lack among us in this respect? I have often 
felt this ; meanwhile, adherence to the True Guide 
should be held in view, that all things be kept in 
order, and all things be of God. Where this pre- 
vails, of course, all will be right : however, it may 
be when I have yearned for more freedom in this 
respect, as I often .do now, it might not prove the 
best thing for me. My feelings are truly deep on 
this subject. If the Power of the Lord were in 
our hearts as it should be, why do not our lips 
speak forth His praise more freely in our min- 
glings with each other ? Oh, the want, saith my 


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heart, of true devotedness ! Have I said too much 
about this? Please tell me, when thou writest, of 
thy feelings concerning it. 

Quarterly-meeting has lately passed, which was 
truly a blessed season to me in social commingling 
as well as at meeting. Most precious, indeed, are 
such seasons, and I feel benefited and strength- 
ened by the sweet remembrances and instructions 
received. One valued friend was speaking of the 
Methodists, and on their genial way of mingling 
with the young, and said he thought there was 
room for improvement with us, — I was speaking 
not only of the young, but of those who are older, 
or at least experienced in the Christian life to a 
greater or less degree, why they do not converse 
more freely on those true and beautiful things, on 
the exceeding beauty of holiness, &c. What thou 
wrote concerning our underrating or overrating 
our spiritual condition, I enjoyed: may I rightly 
know myself, as very imperfect and sinful, often 
erring sadly, but desiring to press forward. 

Dost thou not think that there may be writings 
termed fictitious , of real benefit to many minds ? 
I mean those in which the mere events may be 
imaginary, yet true to human nature and the sa- 
cred truths of life. I am quite sure that I have 
received lasting instruction and been strongly 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


197 


stimulated to right and duty by some such works. 
Much of the time, when about sixteen years old, 
my mind was under deep exercise, so that I really 
feared for my reason. While attending school, I 
have sat with my book before me, the tears run- 
ning down my cheeks, — the way so closed, that I 
could not discern the true path and did not know 
how to call upon God. Oh, I cannot explain unto 
thee the darkness of my mind ! At last, I strove 
to give it up, lest I should get quite astray; and 
did in a great measure, but still yearning to open 
my heart freely to some kind friend’s cheering 
counsel, I often thought I would like to write to 
thee. It seems a little remarkable to think of now, 
and how good the Lord has been to me. While 
my mind was in this condition, feeling great rev- 
erence for religion, yet doubting if its happiness 
ever could be for me, as I could not understand 
the way to it, a dear lady friend that was board- 
ing here brought with her the “ Chronicles of the 
Schonberg Cotta Family,” a book written concern- 
ing the times in which Martin Luther lived ; yet 
the story is fictitious. She read this work to me, 
and there is so much beautiful truth and yearn- 
ings after a higher life, — -just what met my state 
of mind, — that it affected me deeply, and I date 
the first change in my mind back to the reading 


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of that book, when I felt that religion must he for 
me, jmd that it was attainable by me. Oh, I can- 
not express the sweetness of those thoughts ! and 
yet doubts would creep in. I remember reading 
of a faithful Christian Missionary, and seeing the 
picture representing his sufferings, which had so 
much effect upon me that I prayed earnestly to 
know more of this wonderful power that could so 
preserve and uphold. The next winter Abel Hull, 
from Maryland, was here, and he preached several 
powerful sermons just suited to my need, and I 
was truly shown the deep beauty of holiness and 
earnestly sought for a knowledge of it. In time 
still more light dawned; but I felt so weak and 
uncertain lest I should not be in the right path, 
that, in a few months after Abel Hull was here, I 
wrote a letter, telling him of my state of mind 
and asking counsel : I received in time a precious 
answer. In a few months commenced my corre- 
spondence with thee, and thus I have been led on, 
little by little. Am I wrong in thinking that more 
freedom is needed with me? Thou canst not know 
how terribly I suffered, unless thou hast suffered 
the same way. I can but think, had there been 
more social mingling with those in whom I felt 
confidence and I gently helped on my way, that it 
might have been of great benefit to me : I did not 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


199 


know how to look within myself to the True Mon- 
itor for right guidance; — imagination and strange 
thoughts were mixed up in my mind. I felt“ that 
I had indeed met with a treasure in “ The Guide 
to True Peace,” or “Method of Attaining to In- 
ward and Spiritual Prayer,” compiled from Fene- 
lon, Lady Guion, &c. How full of precious truths 
it is : it seems to me that many experienced minds 
do not realize the little beginnings which help on 
in the true way. 

Friends are about getting a library for Chappa- 
qua School, and some so strongly oppose fictitious 
reading, not making due distinctions, that I do not 
know what they will think about admitting any- 
thing of the kind. I wanted to send in a list of 
books which I thought excellent, and do certainly 
think the two above-mentioned at least of this 
style, and others, perhaps, if known to be good, 
ought to be had. 

We truly sympathized with what thou so beau- 
tifully said concerning your then suffering Samuel 
D — , who is now doubtless in the realms of perfect 
bliss. We feel deeply for the bereaved family, but 
when we can have the best of consolation, how 
much there is to be thankful for ! 

Thy sincerely attached friend, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 


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Fifth month l%th . — Have had sweet refreshings 
from the fountain of pure love this evening, and 
have deeply enjoyed and feel thankful for the same. 
It is a great blessing to feel that our foundation is 
based on the Eternal Eock ; that Christ, the power 
of God, is revealed in our hearts, showing us that 
right is that Eock; and may we never forsake this 
sure, this loving guide, which will lead us, — oft- 
times, it may be, through dark and lowering 
clouds, over rough and thorny pathways, yet ever 
surely onward and forward; and we shall be sus- 
tained and comforted, and made to feel that “He 
that is with us is greater than he that is in the 
world;” that in Him and from Him is the alone 
sure and everlasting happiness. Surely the things 
of time, — all that mere earthly love can give, all 
that wealth can purchase or the outward sense 
enjoy, — could never give me the sweet, pure hap- 
piness I have felt to-night, and many times before ; 
but now it seems more full and sweet with the 
great blessing He has given me, of the love and 
inexpressibly dear companionship of such a true, 
feeling, sympathetic heart : oh, that I may be more 
and more thankful ! And what I so deeply feel, 
and am especially called to be thankful for, is, 
that our spirits and yearnings after a higher soul- 
life are so sweetly united. Oh, what a blessing ! 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


201 


beyond the power of my poor pen to describe, the 
feelings of my heart are so great; how unmer- 
ited does my unstable mind feel this boundless 
love of the good Father to be! How I earnestly 
desire that I may not be so wavering as I have 
been much of the time for the past two years; 
but that I may be more faithful to G-od, who is so 
good to me, and to the dear one to whom belongs 
my earnest sympathies in the great cause of right 
and duty, as a co-laborer in the usefulness of life. 
0 Father, I pray Thee, keep us both in Thy love ; 
let us not depart from the path of life; and, as 
this is our true prayer, we shall not. 

Fifth month 22nd . — This morning I felt miser- 
able, as I often do, and almost doubt my ever get- 
ting well, as it seems as if I were losing instead 
of gaining strength. I do feel more desirous to 
live for David’s sake, but want to be willing to 
leave it entirely to our heavenly Father, after try- 
ing to do what I can to improve my health, which 
is a duty, but it seems hard to pay due regard 
to it. 

Fifth month 24th . — In a letter to a friend, she 
thus writes : — 

It seems so wonderful that I should be blessed 


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with such a powerful influx of spiritual joys : I 
who am so unworthy. It is all His great love, 
though so unmerited. But I do not think this is 
to last, — oh, no ! it is to fit me for a greater love 
and more earnest purpose in life’s work, and I 
must bear with patience the times when I feel not 
this surpassing joy, — must do my work the best I 
can, and all will be well. The good Father will 
give me the great and unspeakable blessing of 
the pure light of His countenance when it is best 
for me, if I am only faithful. I crave earnestly 
for us both that, in our journeying together, we 
may ever feel His love to be our guiding and 
crowning star. Please give my heartfelt thanks 
to Edward for his kind and precious words. 

Thy deeply attached, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Hallock’s Mills, N.Y., Fifth month 28th. 
My precious Bessie : — 

I was so glad to get thy dear letter, and I have 
enjoyed it much. I fear I shall do it poor justice 
in an answer, as I am a quiet home-body now-a- 
days, and it tires me to write long at a time. I 
suppose it is not so that thou canst attend Yearly 
Meeting? How I wish thou could. I enjoyed it 
very much last year : this year I cannot be there 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


203 


in body, but what a blessing that thought is not 
thus confined! We had a good Quarterly Meet- 
ing, — how I did enjoy it; and the society at home 
of such dear ones, with whom it was a pleasure to 
converse, knowing of their deep experience : their 
words of cheer, love, and encouragement were truly 
precious. How much there is to cause our spirits 
to sing for joy, even through thick clouds it may 
be; for we know the all-glorious Sun does shine, 
and will — if we are faithful — shine in direct and 
pure brightness, — heaven’s own rays. Then shall 
our hearts indeed rejoice, and give thanks and 
praise to His holy name, that we were kept from 
murmuring in the seeming darkness. Yes, we can 
rejoice; and, if we are only faithful, the good Fa- 
ther will help us more and more to the truest and 
sweetest peace and happiness. I know many who 
desire to be Christians, are unhappy and gloomy 
in appearance; and why? my own experience an- 
swers, — for want of entire dedication. For want 
of true faithfulness we go groaning, and are blind 
and weary, when the dear Lord would so gladly 
give us light and happiness, if we were willing to 
love Him better than all else. Oh, who should be 
happy, if not a Christian ? and happiness so pure 
and sweet as not to be described. I want to be 
deeply rooted in this holy faith. 


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I feel thankful to thee for telling me so much 
about thy long, pleasant visit in the city : the ser- 
mons thou spoke of, I think, I would like to have 
enjoyed with thee. I desire that we may fill the 
place designed for us by the dear Father, whether 
in one association or another. The Lord knoweth 
what is best for us, and where we can do the most 
good, — if we rely entirely on His direction, our 
movements will be right. Friends do not all see 
or think alike, — indeed, it seems very unreasona- 
ble to expect this; there are so many degrees of 
advancement, and such varied influences ofttimes 
act upon the mind. There are some prominent 
principles that unite us together : and there may 
be unity without uniformity, if we only try to cul- 
tivate and possess more of that “charity which 
thinketh no evil.” 

How many pure and noble minds there are who 
suffer keenly in various ways ! how many dear, 
precious little children who lack food, clothes, and 
culture to make them what they are capable of 
being made, — promoters of good influences in the 
world ! Oh, how we need all the good we can get ! 
How fully and deeply we feel this, when we look 
about and see the wickedness, misery, and dire 
corruption in our very midst ! Does it not make 
us feel: 0 Father, all we have is Thine? Teach 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


205 


us, and show how to use it to the best purpose : 
whether we may not in some way help Thy crea- 
tures and circulate food for the mind, — that style 
of reading which will raise the tone of character, 
which will help to inspire to the noble, the beau- 
tiful, and the true; and so the chain of good will 
go on increasing, link after link, until it reaches 
unto and around us, and the visible influences of 
individual labor in quickening desires for further 
advancement in good and holiness will be felt. 
What can move the masses like individual labor? 
Though we feel that it is so little we can do, each 
one must act; and if we are faithful to our part 
all will be well, and we shall be blessed more than 
we can think. Dear Bessie, do we not feel the 
vast difference between this and the use of so 
much on these poor, frail tenements, which soon 
pass away? indeed, the next hour, the next mo- 
ment, they may not be ours. 

The dear, loving Father is so good to us: my 
dear friend, I do feel very thankful that thou so 
sweetly recognizest His love and wisdom, and oh ! 
how earnestly I do crave that we may both grow 
up together in spiritual knowledge, and have the 
sweet pleasure of exchanging views, feelings, and 
desires. I am fully convinced that nothing in any 
way will be wanting in our advancement but faith- 


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fulness. I have been instructed at times in con- 
sidering how natural it would be for us to labor 
faithfully for earthly beauty and luxury, for earthly 
prizes and crowns ; but when we seek the spiritual, 
that which moth and rust cannot corrupt, how oft 
are we lagging by the way ; yes, taking sleep and 
ease, when we should be earnestly laboring to be all 
and just what the dear Lord would have us to be. 

Thy sincerely attached friend, 

Phebe M. Hallock. 

Sixth month 5th . — Aunt Jane says I ought not 
to think of getting married while my health is so 
poor. I do not know, or see yet, how I can be, 
feeling as miserable as I do much of the time now, 
— so weak, and I get tired so easily. But how com- 
forting the thought that the right will be shown 
us, and that, though my health be very poor, the 
good, dear Fathers supporting arm will be ever 
ready to uphold us in every trial, however bitter 
or hard it may be. Oh, that we may seek more 
and more this strength ! for this will make hard 
things easy and bitter things sweet, — yes, I am 
sure of this, thanks and praise be unto His holy 
name for evermore! Have thought much about 
the “ Dansville Cure” or “Home" this afternoon: 
felt a strong desire to try their treatment on my 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


207 


weak frame, but knowing that father is so unfa- 
vorable to it, I felt somewhat heavy-hearted for 
a while; then desired to give up all to the loving 
Father's hand, who has all power and whom I can 
trust, and in this confidence and love I felt very 
happy indeed. How beautiful is this happiness, 
that can trust for the right even though clouds 
and darkness encompass the pathway! We know 
that, as we try earnestly to do our part, all will 
be well, all will work together for good. I want 
to watch more closely, to be shown what my part 
may be as respects my health. 

Sixth month 22nd . — I have not been watchful 
enough lately, — coldness has crept in; and can I, 
the recipient of such wonderful blessings, grow 
neglectful of the Great Giver? During Davids 
first two visits I was especially blessed with a fa- 
vored sense of the marvelous goodness of the dear 
Father, as manifested in this precious and won- 
derful gift, and my heart seemed almost continu- 
ally uplifted in the sweet feelings of thanksgiving 
and praise. I do not wish to lose this feeling. I 
desire not to look upon it as a common blessing; 
for I have accepted it with a renewed covenant to 
serve God more earnestly, and desire that nothing 
outward or earthly may take away my love from 


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Him, without whom life would be a dreary blank, 
though I might be deluded for a time. Oh, how 
I pray that this may not be ! I want to walk more 
firmly in that path over which I have faltered so 
much. I fear that dress may demand too much 
thought: 0 Lord, help me in this, I pray Thee. 

Sixth month 27th . — Feel somewhat troubled as 
to J — ’s dress, and fear it is not quite in that sim- 
plicity which I desire might be better appreciated. 
I wanted it to look nice and pretty, and did en- 
courage some of it. I want to do right, and de- 
sire not the passion for show in dress, which seems 
to be so greatly developed in the present day, to 
get control over my feelings as to what is right 
and best in this respect. It is really wonderful 
what an amount of time, thought, labor, expense, 
and strength is used in this way, and so diverted 
from better, purer, and nobler purposes, which 
should redound to the honor and glory of God 
and exalt and increase our everlasting happiness. 

Sixth month 28th . — Attended the funeral of a 
small child : it looked perfectly lovely and angelic. 
The gathering was quite small. Daniel H. Griffin 
spoke of the Saviour within that will save from 
sin, if we attend to its still, small voice. I rode 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


209 


home with him. He spoke of my prospects, of 
which they had heard, and I was glad he did so. 
I had been wanting to know what he would think 
of it; and, as I asked him, he said he felt it was 
all right. As I spoke a little concerning what my 
feelings were at first, my deficiencies, etc., he re- 
plied, that all had not the same gifts, — some had 
treasures in limbs, some in disposition, character, 
etc., and some in dress. It did me much good to 
hear him speak in that way, as I feel that I have 
need of all the graces whioh are in my power to 
possess. May I be more faithful in striving after 
that beautiful leaven, which smoothes down the 
rough plaoes into its own pure nature. He gave 
me some precious advice, and said he felt we had 
best not wait long: he thought I would be better. 

Seventh month ^J^th . — Attended the Preparative 
Meeting; had a very good season, considering the 
whole. Felt troubled because I drift so far from 
the True Centre. Have great cause for sorrow on 
this account, yet was comforted in the feeling that 
I could persevere, and encouragement was sweetly 
given me. 

Eighth month 30th . — Last night a few words, 
containing much nourishment, in “The Guide to 

14 


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True Peace” were very pleasant to me, and re- 
mained with me much of to-day. “He himself 
has said: 1 Walk in My presence, and be thou per- 
fect.’ {Gen. xvii. i.) How much to feel that we 
are really in His presence, — if we could think of 
and realize this more, how much purer would our 
thoughts and actions be; and then, it is by prayer 
that we are brought into and maintained in His 
presence. This dedication of spirit I neglect so 
much and sadly; why should it be? It seems to 
be want of right labor, — real slothfulness, I fear. 
Again, it says: “When once we have fully known 
Him, and the sweetness of His love, we shall find 
it impossible to relish anything so much as Him- 
self.” Yes, it certainly is impossible: nothing can 
satisfy but His love; and to feel that I am so un- 
worthy makes me sad and troubled. I must try 
to be more diligent in this great work. I do pray 
Thee, my heavenly Father, to be very near to aid 
and support me : I am so weak, so utterly help- 
less, without Thy powerful assistance, and almost 
constantly erring. 

Eighth month 31st. — To-night, as I was reflect- 
ing on my failures, and feeling much discouraged, 
a pleasant language seemed to address me: “lam 
here, close with thee always:” what words can 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


211 


express my feelings! Yes, I do know the dear 
Lord is always with me to help, and with Him I 
could commune as with the most precious Friend, 
— even the faithful, merciful, and loving Friend 
of all, — if I were only upright and strong of pur- 
pose and earnest in practice ! Should I allow my- 
self to feel discouraged, when I know help is so 
near, and when I believe, if I try to do right, I 
shall not be allowed to fall? But this experience 
may fit me to feel with others, and, in some way, 
be productive of good. 

Tenth month 7th . — I have felt much elated this 
evening, and in want of that which keeps true 
balance. I need to seek for that which will en- 
able me to “carry the cup steady when it is full.” 

Tenth month 8th . — Toward morning, as I was 
lying awake, these words passed pleasantly through 
my mind: “All things are but dross, if we win not 
Christ,” and this I feel and realize in a measure, I 
trust. “Ye know these things, — happy are ye if 
ye do them,” were the words with which William 
Dorsey closed a very powerful sermon at Schem- 
merhorn street, on a Yearly Meeting occasion. 
They impressed me much then, and I have often 
thought of them. Sat a little while this morning 


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by the front window in “our room,” thinking of 
my situation, and feeling to desire help to enable 
me to pass my time as I should, and in the right 
spirit. Indeed, I do desire this; but how fallible 
I am ! Only one week from to-day, and I expect 
to enter into the holy bonds of marriage with him 
whom I love so well. What a precious trust I feel 
thus reposed in me, if I only can fulfill aright the 
beautiful mission which will be mine! I desire 
earnestly that our lives may be useful and happy, 
— a happiness which can only spring from hearts 
at peace with God. I have felt deeply to-night 
concerning the happiness of a dear friend, who 
says, in a letter received this evening: “There 
seems to be a great deal of sickness, and a great 
many are passing away, to be seen by us no more, 
unless we see them in the hereafter, which to me 
is all uncertainty and doubt. I wish I felt as thou 
and thousands of others do; but I do not, and 
know not that I ever shall. Everything seems to 
tend toward the wrong way.” 

Hal lock’s Mills, N.Y., Tenth month 1(M. 
My precious Bessie : — 

Thy dear letter was gladly received. Many 
thanks for thy kind wishes as to our happiness. 
We feel that great blessings have thus far attended 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


213 


us. Last night, most beautifully was brought be- 
fore my mind the picture of a life, — where the 
sweet will of God was the guiding star of two lives 
united in one ; where each sought above every- 
thing else the Divine rule whereby to weigh and 
judge the things of time, which are often so deceiv- 
ing, that without this Guide it is impossible for 
us to see things in their true light, and hence fol- 
lows great unhappiness and reproach to the cause 
of truth and righteousness in the earth. Oh, my 
dear friend, how easy it is for me to see what 
should be done, but oft how difficult to do ! But 
can we expect so great reward without earnest 
labor? and how sincerely do I desire that thou 
may be more faithful in following in this glorious 
pathway, even though the thorns and briers of 
earth do make slight marks on the most precious 
happiness while here. With life is given us such 
a great and precious trust, and how truly neces- 
sary that this beautiful mission be fulfilled aright. 
“As many as are led by the Spirit of God, they 
are the sons of God.” What a glorious thought, — 
sons and daughters of such a wise and loving 
Father; and the condition, to be led by the Spirit 
of God, — how high, how exalted the truth ! 

Thy very loving 

Phebe M. Hallock. 


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Tenth month 15th . — And thus, in the dear 
Lord’s great love and tender mercy, He has not 
allowed aught of earthly hinderances, though to 
me there seemed so many, to separate us, who felt 
to be so sweetly and strongly united in spirit : and 
to-day we have been united in outward marriage, 
in the presence of a precious company of relatives 
and friends. 

Let me not, to the marriage of true minds, 

Admit impediments. — Shakspeare. 

This is a day long to be remembered, not only 
for the great change made in my life, but for 
the sweet happiness experienced. Perhaps my 
thoughts and aspirations were not quite enough 
turned to the dear Father; but I knew and felt 
His blessings to be abundantly upon me : oh, the 
sweetness of feeling in this respect ! I cannot be 
a true wife without closely watching to keep in 
the blessed path, seeking guidance from God : and 
this I earnestly desire to do, — for, oh, how I long 
to be a blessing to him who is so inexpressibly 
precious to me ! 

Oh, let us walk the world, so that our love 
Burn like a blessed beacon, beautiful, 

Upon the walls of life’s surrounding dark ! 

Gerald Massey. 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


215 


How can I ever be thankful enough to the dear 
and tender Father for blessing me so truly and 
wonderfully ? 

The day was very pleasant, — another cause of 
thankfulness, and one greatly appreciated. 

Tenth month 21st . — Soon after dinner we took 
leave of the dear ones and the precious home of 
my childhood, and started on our way to “the 
home which is to be,” with many thoughts of the 
past and for the future, but felt the promise, “ I 
will be with thee,” and the feeling that, if faithful 
to the many precious privileges received from such 
a loving Father, I had nought to fear. 

Twelfth month 31st . — Will the next year record 
a continuation of such great blessings? If but 
faithful, all will be well. 


First month 1st , 1873 . — David and I have talked 
of the past and the future, as the old year (fraught 
with abundant blessings, whose pleasant recollec- 
tions are so sweet to us) has passed away, and the 
new one is now before us, bright with the hopes of 
youth and prayers for usefulness; yet a shadow 


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falls, — I feel my many short-comings, but will try 
for renewed courage and perseverance in the great 
work. I have much to labor for, much to encour- 
age me, or that should encourage me, to strive for 
the highest cultivation that may be in my reach; 
that I may be a true wife as far as lieth in my 
power, and a good, loving grand-daughter to dear 
grand-parents; in short, to be prepared to meet 
what each day may bring me of the future re- 
sponsibilities and joy or sorrow that may be ours. 
I am going to try to care for my health first, if I 
have to leave some things, or many things, which 
I want much to do, undone; though, at best, it is 
little I can do for his convenience and comfort, 
and it is so difficult to keep evenly balanced. How 
precious he is to me, and how hard I should try 
to fulfill my highest duty to him whom the dear 
Father has given me, for surely do I know it was 
His power that brought us together and smoothed 
the many difficulties in the way, — so plainly was 
it perceivable to us; and, in the added sweetness 
we so often experienced together, our Father s 
love and approbation was unmistakably felt and 
deeply enjoyed. 


First month 10th . — How oft little things teach 
us important lessons, which lead to higher thoughts 


PHEBE M. IRISH. 


217 


and aspirations ! It is very necessary that earthly 
things move not the forward, steady current of our 
lives; but this is my great trouble, because my 
little current is so very wavering and unsteady : 
when I seek that the one great aim and object of 
my heart be, to please my heavenly Father, and to 
rest all the little, petty cares and trials of time, 
and my own welfare and desires for good and use- 
fulness, right in His loving arms. Oh, that I could 
do this more and more, with so many favors sur- 
rounding me! What a thankful, faithful child I 
should be, — clinging to Him for support, that I 
may rightly bear up under, and be thankful for, 
and use to His glory, all that life may give! I 
truly feel that it has opened before me with very 
deep, yet sweet responsibilities, and the great cry 
of my heart is, that I may fulfill them aright. 


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THE LOVED AND LOST. 


THE LOVED AND LOST. 


“The loved and lost.” Why do we call them lost? 

Because we miss them from our outward road. 

God’s unseen angel o’er our pathway cross’d, 

Looked on us all, and loving them the most, 
Straightway relieved them from life’s weary load. 

They are not lost, — they are within the door 
That shuts out loss and every hurtful thing ; 

With angels bright and loved ones, gone before, 

In their Redeemer’s presence evermore, 

And God himself their Lord, their Judge and King. 

And this we call, a loss ! Oh, selfish sorrow 
Of selfish hearts ! Oh, we of little faith ! 

Let us look round, some argument to borrow 
Why we, in patience, should await the morrow ; 

That surely must succeed this night of death. 

Aye, look upon this dreary, desert path, — 

The thorns and thistles whereso’er we turn, — 

What trials and what tears, what wrongs and wrath, — 
What struggles and what strife the journey hath! 
They have escaped from these, and lo! we mourn. 

Ask the poor sailor, when the wreck is done, 

Who — with his treasure — strove the shore to reach, 
While with the raging waves he battled long, 

Was it not joy, where every joy seemed gone, 

To see his loved ones landed on the beach ? 


THE LOVED AND LOST. 


219 


A poor wayfarer, leading by the hand 
A little child, had halted by the well 
To wash from off her feet the clinging sand, 

And tell the tired boy of that bright land 
Where, this long journey past, they longed to dwell 

When, lo ! the Lord, who many mansions had, 

Drew near and looked upon the suffering twain. 
Then pitying, spake, — “Give me the little lad. 

In strength renewed and glorious beauty clad 
I ’ll bring him with Me, when I come again.” 

Did she make answer selfishly and wrong, — 

“ Nay, but the woes I feel he, too, must share ! ” 

Or, rather, bursting into grateful song, 

She went her way ; rejoicing and made strong 
To struggle on, since he was freed from care. 

We will do likewise. Death hath made no breach 
In love and sympathy, in hope and trust : 

No outward sigh or sound our ears can reach ; 

But there’s an inward, spiritual speech 
That greets us still, though mortal tongues be dust'. 

It bids us do the work that they laid down, — 

Take up the song where they broke off the strain, — 
So journeying, till we reach the heavenly town 
Where are laid up our treasures and our crown, 

And our lost loved ones will be found again. 


Stuckey, Printer, 57 North Seventh Street, Philadelphia. 









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